... Part II

... continued

I'm noticing things about myself, like how I never, ever live in the moment. I'm always focused on the future, be it an hour or a week. On the extremely rare occassion when I'm able to stay in the moment, I feel calmer and my mind has peace and clarity. I've been trying very hard to do that all day today. It got better as the day went on. My man came over for a bit and while he was doing some homework, I cleaned the kitchen. The house is fairly disorganized and messy (by my standards of course), and typically I would get very upset when I'd start cleaning due to how much I was focusing on the mountain ahead of me rather than on the fact that I was actually taking steps to reduce it to a mere molehill.

As the evening went on, I was able to get a few things done in addition to enjoying some downtime. Not bad. I had actually shut off the laptop so I could get to bed when I felt the urge to press on a bit and do a couple more things (such as work on this blog), so I fired the laptop back up and here I am.

It's 1:08 a.m. and I'm very tired, so I doubt this is all going to make sense, but I wanted to share my current emotional state.

Something clicked in me yesterday that caused me to step down from the high horse I've been riding and embrace my man. He has trouble concentrating, sometimes for more than a few seconds, and I became very frustrated two days ago because of it. I gave up and begrudgingly accepted the fact that he will never be any different. I decided that I had no choice but to deal with it. Now this wasn't a good thing, it was born of bitterness. I am a very logical, analytical person, and to be with someone who is the complete opposite drives me batty. Earlier that day he had gotten lost twice while driving to some stores. I refused to help him even though he kept asking for my help. I couldn't believe that I was riding in the car with a native of this city who somehow forgot how to get around. I even admonished him for failing to read the highway signs which resulted in him heading south instead of north.

Fast forward 18 hours (give or take a few). He mentions quite randomly that I had been upset the day before. I calmly explained that I just didn't understand how he could do something for years on end and still need help (driving, putting away dishes, etc.). This is the moment that did it for me--he said simply, "I don't know. You're right, I do blink in and out. I don't know what's wrong with me." Therre was something in his admission as well as his sadness that melted the ice wall I've had up for nearly the past year. He said that he was just not good with directions, and I told him that from now on, I will help him (inside I was saying that I would help him without saying things to make him feel badly about needing my help).

Add to this that on the same day he was taking me to dinner, one of his Christmas gifts to me, to a restaurant I had never been to before. It touched me that all he wanted was to take me out, show me a nice time at a romantic restaurant, and do it without any expectations of getting anything in return. He was happy simply by doing something nice for me.

The admission of confusion over his forgetfulness and his dining-out gift somehow showed me what an amazing person he is becoming. This is not the man I got together with on August 16, 2008. That man was selfish, self-centered, and didn't care about anyone but himself. He had no conscience, didn't care if his actions hurt anyone, and his moral level was almost as low as it could go. I've fought him tooth and nail to be a human being and to treat others the same. He's done a major overhaul and has successfully modified the beat-up, rusty clunker to a shiny, solid body with warm, plush interiors. He's done it for me, and he's given me all the time I need to be sure that this is now the real him.

I missed him today while he was at work. That's something that pretty much never happens. I hugged him sincerely before he left to go back home tonight, and when he kissed me (a series of pecks), I didn't tense up like I usually and turn away after a few seconds. I relaxed and allowed him to lead me through his ritual good-night pecks. I told him that he's amazing, in part because he loves me even when I'm unlovable. He laughed alot at that! Then he agreed with me :-D

I really hope that this is a sign of things to come, not just with us but in my outlook on aspects of my life (and there's certainly alot of 'em).