Still Trying ...

It's been a crazy few weeks, at least in my head. I really am my own worst enemy. I can't figure out whether I should be happy with who I am or keep trying to be different. Should I accept my body the way it is and feel strong and sexy, or should I work on losing weight? Am I lazy when I don't do any work or am I just bored of it all?

I've been trying really hard to figure this all out, to figure out who I am. I've been slowly reading "Eat, Pray, Love" and some of it has inspired me to think differently about who I am. For example, she says that she's outgoing and very talkative (like me), and thinks it's a bad thing, so she decides to remain silent for the next several weeks while staying at an Indian ashram. As fate would have it, she is told the next morning that her new job at the ashram is to basically be a cruise director for all the new visitors, and that she was chosen to do this because of her outgoing personality. She realized that there is nothing wrong with her talkative nature. However, she decided to look at this part of herself and modify what was not good about it: the fact that she habitually interupted people (like me), so she made it her mission to become a better listener.

I really like that. Accept yourself for who you are (it's a big planet, everyone is welcome) and modify what needs improving. Easy enough.

However, I don't quite know who I am, so I'm working on that. I'm also working on my lack of motivation for nearly everything in my life: school, work, caring for my home, caring for myself. As a true Gemini, I need change, something to create a spark in my life to keep things interesting for me, a new driving route to work, new work hours, rearranging and/or redecorating a room ... but I haven't had the time or money for that. Well, I've thought about it, but it seems so overwhelming, and that's the last thing I need.

Whatever it is, I need something to happen, and it looks like I'm going to have to make it happen. I just feel blah and bored, and there isn't one spark in me to do anything at all. I've been wasting hours and hours playing computer games and watching T.V. even when I don't want to. I've been sleeping a lot more too. It just sucks. :-(

I bought a book tonight that I hope will help me think differently about what I need to do. Skimming through it, the author states that we all have self-destructive thinking that holds us back from so many things. That is me.