So, I'm 40 today. This is a milestone birthday. Time to reflect on the first half of my life and look ahead to the second half.
Compared to turning 30, turning 40 is a piece of cake. We all think that we'll have life figured out by the time we are 30 which is why so many of us live wildly during our 20s. However, maturity doesn't magically appear. I turned 30 and felt like I was 20, like I was no further ahead than a responsible teenager. So my 30s turned into a time when I struggled with choices. I chose the wrong man. Everyone knew it but me. I was standing in the middle of my own life and I couldn't believe what I was seeing, but didn't know how to stop it. I knew so much was wrong, but felt completely helpless.
Why? Because I had always been helpless in my own life (which is probably why my heart and actions go to people who have suffered helplessly). My birth was not a happy one for anyone in my family. I always felt this but was explicitly told when I was just 10 years old. For the most part, how I've been treated has depended on how a person felt at the time. In need of a lunch companion? Everything's good, kind words and actions are received. In need of proving loyalty to another, or to redirect anger from the actual offender, reminders of how unwanted I am are hurled my way (or even worse, am ignored while they act as if I never existed).
Because of this, I've never truly enjoyed my own experiences; if I was caught enjoying them, severe punishment was a guarantee. Good feelings were ripped apart and bad things that happened to me were always my fault. In an effort to disuade this as much as possible, I learned to think ahead several steps and act accordingly, however, as bad people go, they will do what they want regardless.
This has all clouded my judgement; I wasn't working with a normal mind in a normal world. I was working with a dysfunctional mind to survive my dysfunctional world. Unfortunately it also created dysfunction. One of the negative side effects has been my 26-year crutch to overeat. What you see are layers of decades of pain, and I've been afraid to let it go because of what would happen: I would become strong and happy, and as I've explained, being strong and happy are personal invitations for my family to treat me badly.
Many people don't know all of this about me because, unless you are very close to me, I am an expert at hiding it. I learned how to do this at the age of 13 when I'd go to school and excel, covering up what was the worst year of my life taking place at home. However, what people see is not a total lie. It's another part of who I am and also who I want to be: happy.
So what does the 2nd half of my life have in store? I graduate in a year and will start a brand new career. I strongly suspect that I will be getting married around the same time. My child might be ready to live independently from me after earning an associate's degree. I will be at my goal weight, giving me the energy to live my life and the hips to do it (i.e. will be able to fly and attend theater because I won't struggle to fit in the seats). I will learn to smile more, and more genuinely. I'll laugh honestly. I will reach for the things I want and not care that someone may feel intimidated. I will excel because I enjoy the challenge and personal growth and won't think twice about how uncomfortable it may make people. However I will still be compassionate and will stick to my belief that bragging is an ugly trait (which is very different from sharing good news). I will travel and will learn that it's O.K. to keep my earned money for myself rather than feeling guilty that I have more than someone else (which always causes me to spend more money on other people than my own self). I will enjoy the rewards of this money. I will travel, buy nice clothes, and maybe even a car that doesn't have holes in the bumper or in the dashboard where the stereo should be. I will allow myself to feel love from other people and not block out compliments. I will learn how to do what is good and right for me, even if it doesn't fall within the ideally accepted American dream (like Leonardio DiCaprio's character in "The Beach--I really envy that). Heck, maybe some day I'll move to an island. Why not? :-D
I may not have been wanted, but I am here and I intend to make the best of it.
LL xoxo
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