It's midnight, February 1 (or 2nd depending on how you view it) as I sit at home alone riding out what was predicted to be the storm of the century, a bonafide blizzard, but St. Louis has "dodged a bullet" as one news report stated. Looks like we'll end up with about 3" of snow instead of the 12"-16" that was predicted (my neighbors due north and west are not so lucky). At first I was simply happy to have an excuse to stay home for a few days (everything, I mean EVERYTHING has shut down, including government offices, schools and malls), then I was briefly concerned about staying home for 48hrs by myself for fear I'd simply vegitate, but now I'm rather enjoying it. I've done very little, I will not lie, but what I've done has been simply, easy and at my own pace.
I've spent the past few weeks really working on myself internally and it has been paying off, like lottery-winnings paying off. I haven't had extreme reactions to things, and my stress level is way down. I am so happy about this. Now if I can just lower my voice when I react to things (not yelling, no, I don't really do that anymore, just raising my voice which is loud to begin with) . . .
I've been standing up for myself lately and I'm beginning to like it. Well, after two years of grieving over my sister's choice to cut me out of her life completely, I finally was able to let it go a few months ago. I suddenly reached a point of I-no-longer-give-a-damn and suddenly the sadness was gone. I've never experienced an honest to goodness don't-give-a-damn about anyone in my life who has mistreated me. I've always internalized it and wondered why I was so unworthy of good, positive things from these people. I guess I finally accepted that not everyone is going to like me; sometimes it'll be because of something I've done wrong and sometimes it'll be because we aren't a good fit (as friends, co-workers, sisters, you name it).
It's OK. I no longer feel the need to be liked by everyone. I know people who are loved by everyone they meet, and I've always wanted to be that person, but, at least at this point in my life, I don't want that. I don't have time to attend 3 birthday parties a week or to spend hours a day on the phone talking with people. My life is full, jam packed actually, and I barely have time for the friends I have now. And guess what? The friends I already have love me, very much. They tell me nice things about myself that I don't always see. These are genuine friends and I'm blessed to have each and every one of them.
I've been learning to accept myself, my personality, and I've realized that I don't have a personality that everyone will love, and that's OK. I imagine what the early feminists were like and I'm sure they made lots of enemies. They weren't likable. They didn't smile and pretend everything was OK. They took stands against injustice and inequality and sacrificed popularity for greater causes. I too want to change the world (so to speak) but those who hold mirrors to society's face will suffer in their private lives. I'm not making myself to be a martyr, but because I speak out (and firmly so), I'm not invited to many parties or long weekends in the country.
And you know what? That's OK. You know why? Because the world needs people like me. Just like it needs people like you ... and you ... and you ...
LL xoxo
