Monday, June 27, 2011

The Morning After

Last night I made a point of getting to bed by midnight so that I could be at work by 8a.m. After three nights of the best sleep I've had in months, I thought I would just continue the same at home. Insert LOUD gameshow buzzer here! No way. I've been fostering an adult cat and some kittens for the past month, and the adult has to stay in my bedroom because she's afraid of my adult cats. True to her species' nocturnal nature, she's up all night making noise which in turn keeps me awake all night. There was also a storm that woke me up (geeze, what's with the storms this year?!), so I got dressed and ran outside to make sure the car windows were up (they were). I read for a few minutes and went back to sleep, but not for long.

I finally put the adult foster cat out of my room because it was clear to me that there is nothing wrong with me, I'm not a freak who just can't sleep. There are things at home preventing me from doing so. Unfortunately it was already too late. I tossed and turned and the overcast morning made it seem earlier than it was. I got out of bed an hour after I wanted to be at work. It's only Monday and I already have 2 hours of work to make up. *sigh*

I told A last weekend that of all the areas of my life where I'm falling short, getting enough sleep has to be the priority. When I'm tired I'm late to work and have to work weekends to make up the time. When I'm tired I don't have the energy to plan/shop/prepare healthy meals which of course has stalled my weight loss. When I'm tired (and working weekends) I'm not able to exercise, and I desperately need to exercise (more on that later). So if I'm going to get on track I absolutely MUST get enough good sleep.

The other factor that's negatively affecting me is how broke I am. No matter what I do, how much I plan, or what I give up, I never have enough money. It costs money to eat well, even bottom-of-the-barrel eating well. Although my weight loss has stalled, I've lost enough that my pants don't fit, but I can't afford new ones. I sprang for a cheap pair of shorts last weekend, but I had to return them last night so that I could buy cat food for the kittens and deoderant for my child. I'm not even joking.

I emailed the director of the fostering program and explained that I cannot afford to do this right now. I don't feel good about this, but I do feel good about taking a stand. Fosters are told that the only expense is food and litter, but my gosh, these kittens still won't eat dry food regularly, and their appetites are growing along with their little bodies. I was told last night that I need to buy supplies to treat all the cats for ringworm. Um, that was not part of the deal. What makes it worse is that I have to treat alllll of the cats, including mine, but who's going to pay for my cats' meds? Yep, it's up to me. Again, I didn't sign on for this. I told the director that the only way I can continue this is if someone else buys all of the supplies for the fosters.

This morning I wrote a letter to my child explaining that a) I'm broke, b) there are things we need that I can't afford (such as food) and c) the guinea pig has to go because he eats about $10 worth of produce each week (add this to the needs of my cats and the foster cats and it comes to $35 per week).

So this is why I haven't been posting regularly--I don't want to dump a bunch of negativity on anyone. However, this is life, this is real. I'm struggling right now in just about every area of my life right now. No one has died, no one has cancer. I am grateful that it's not worse than it is, but it's tough to remain positive when putting forth sooooo much effort only to keep falling behind.

LL :-(

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Where to Go Now?

low-to-mid 250s

As I stated in my last post, I've been frustrated lately with my inability to manage my life. Even though I'm quick to share internal feelings with friends, I typically work things out internally, letting my thoughts simmer over a few days or weeks until I've had the chance to look at all the options and possible solutions. Unfortunately it didn't work for me this time, so I just sort of gave up; not in a defeatist way, but in a let-it-all-go way. I can see now that it's exactly what I needed.

A and I went to Branson for a few days of R&R, our first getaway in 18 months; our first getaway alone in nearly 2 years. I slept like a log, a LOG I tell ya, all three nights. I was in bed before midnight each night and almost immediately sank into a deep sleep. No drifting or slipping off gently to a sweet slumber. I crashed, hard, each night, and when I woke up, I was awake and ready to go. A said I snored which is a sign of how exhausted I've been. There are many signs that one has become an adult, and one of them is when one uses vacation time to do nothing in order to get the rest they don't get at home (whereas younger folks don't sit still).

So as of this moment I've kicked the insomnia I've suffered for the past couple of months. My mind is clear (not racing with thoughts of everything I'm NOT doing) and I'm completely calm and relaxed. I feel absolutely nothing pressing on me, and it's wonderful.

As for my diet, there wasn't a carb I said no to, and I don't regret it. My diet has been an added stress, mostly because it's so strict. Unlike a low-cal diet where you can indulge for a meal or a day without serious repercussions, I've found that the low-carb diet is much less forgiving. If I eat pizza for dinner, it'll be a full week before I see more weight come off. It sucks! It's not realistic. It's summertime and it's hot, and I'd like to have a scoop of low-sugar ice cream from my favorite family-owned frozen custard shop every so often, but no chance if I want to see the numbers on the scale continue decreasing.

Here's the thing--I've lost weight before with no trouble by doing low-cal/low-fat. It was super easy too because I could pack premade granola bars in my bag for on-the-go snacks, have low-cal popcorn while watching a movie, etc. Problem is, I've mentally bought into the low-carb diet, so I'm not sure what to do. Actually, I am sure. I'll have to adjust my diet to fit my lifestyle. I can still stay away from bread, white pasta, white potatoes and processed food, but I shouldn't feel guilty about eating a banana (a SUPER easy take-along snack) or some popsorn.

So that is what I'm doing this week--I'm going to take it a day at a time and figure out the best way I can do this. I am tired, and I am tired of constantly reading, planning, running, preparing and scheduling every little detail of my life, especially my food.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Don't Stop Till You Get Enough

I am realizing that I have a very hard time managing my life. The struggle is between doing the things I want and need to do and having the time to do them.

It dawned on me today that I am falling short in every single one of my endeavors. My weight loss has stalled, I eat healthy MOST of the time, my house is not quite clean, my paper has yet to be completed, doing fun things and visiting friends rarely if ever happens, I get to work late all the time, I'm always struggling to get the last few hours in before a time sheet is due, and I don't even get enough sleep.

A told me a few nights ago that I do too much, and he's right. However, what is the alternative? I cried as I told him that the only things I can cut out are the things that only benefit me (weight loss, healthy eating, schoolwork, visiting friends, etc.), and that I'm tired of denying myself. The alternative would put me right back where I've always been--busting my ass to get everything done and being miserable while I do it. I'm so done with that, but what am I supposed to do?

A third of the way through summer, I've made little progress toward my summer goals. I need to feel something, excited about something. I am bored with everything but work, but even that's not enough to get me out of bed at a decent hour in the morning. I need something, I just don't know what yet.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

No Title for this Post ;-)

I find that that blogging has become a source of support for me, whether anyone is reading or not. The past few weeks have been a bit challenging as far as sticking to the diet is concerned. I've also been feeling so good about the weight I've lost that I'm surprised when I look in the mirror and still see an overweight woman. Huh? I can pull my pants off without unzipping them so clearly my bum is shrinking, so why do I still look like this? That may be confusing to read so let me clarify that I'm not upset about how I look, it's that I feel really great. Mostly anyway LOL.

The newness has worn off. I was excited about the new meals I was making, the changes to my diet, and I thought the time-consuming aspect of researching, planning and making meals would go away. Because the excitement has worn off, so has the drive to put so much effort into this. Unfortunately this is reflected by the numbers on the scale. I have not gained any back because for the most part I've stuck to the plan. For that I'm very happy. However, I need to lose weight at this point, not maintain. Therefore, I need to accept that the hard work of losing weight. I thought that "hard work" meant I'd have to make sacrifices, put in the time at the gym and spend more time cooking (and thus cleaning). But in order to be successful I have to continue finding new recipes, and planning meals and snacks a week at a time. of course the other challenge is doing this on about $5 a day. *sigh*

Tomorrow I will put together a plan for the week, hopefully without having to buy too much stuff from the store.

Also, I've been craving exercise all week but haven't indulged once, and I'm not really sure why. Last Sunday I actually jogged on the treadmill, and since then I've been thinking about how good it feels to move and and use my body in ways that I used to do every day as a kid. It's not normal for me to do things I want, only things that I have to do, so maybe that is the issue here. If I have to exercise, I will, but if I want to, I deny myself because it's all I know how to do--but that's a different topic for a different day.

So in addition to preparing my meal plan for the week, I'm going to treat myself to a trip to the gym. Right after I treat myself to a discount morning movie, at an actual movie theater, something I haven't done in months.

Also, I've relisted my summer goals--which are also rewards--as a reminder of some of the things I'm working toward.

LL xoxo

  • Attend an outdoor theatre show
  • Attend an off-broadway show 
  • Take two out-of-town trips
  • Do a bit of yard work
  • Spend some time with friends 
  • Read

Monday, June 6, 2011

No More Dating My Food

254.2 (6 lbs & 17 days from Vacation milestone goal)

What I've done these past two months is redefine my relationship with food. I used to date my food. Nothing serious, just fun get-togethers. It was always a party. Like a hot date, I was always excited to spend time with food. I actually looked forward to my alone time with food. There were nights when I'd have the house to myself and I'd pick up a meal from somewhere and have dessert too. I'd select the perfect thing to watch on TV, get comfy on the couch, and the date would begin. I'd be in heaven. It was my perfect escape. Food was the key to what I thought was happiness.

Like many hot dates though, the excitement would wear off and I'd have to deal with the consequences. My stomach would hurt from overfilling. I'd have heartburn every day and take 2-4 antacids (no joke), and at night, well, we all know that nighttime is the worst when a hot date has broken your heart. The food would come back to haunt me. I'd fall asleep and shortly after wake up coughing and choking because I had aspirated food into my lungs. The sheer overload of food and the weight that pressed down on my stomach created a potential deadly threat. Dating food was going to kill me, directly or indirectly.

It was time to stop dating food. I had to look at the relationship and get serious about what I wanted from food. I had been looking at immediate gratification but decided to look at the long term. I didn't want to have heartburn, stomachaches or suffer late-night aspirations. I didn't want to miss out of fun times because I couldn't fit into the seats. What I did want was to feel energetic and free to choose whatever fun activity sounded good. I recreated my relationship and made a long-term commitment with it. I got serious with food and it got serious with me. No more quick fix, no more picking up the first cute thing that caught my eye. Instead I went for cleaner items, food that had matured over time in a field rather than mass produced in a few minutes, brainy food over drug-filled food.

Just two month later I feel better. I'm happier, less stressed and sleep better. The aches and pains of dating are gone and in their place is a relationship based on mutual respect--what I do with food and what food does for me.

LL xoxo

Saturday, June 4, 2011



That's all I'm gonna say right now . . .


Friday, June 3, 2011

The Incredible Shrinking Woman!

255.6 and going!

I really look forward to mornings now because it means I get to step on the scale, which now is usually a great start to the day. It reflects my efforts in the prior days which motivates me to continue with those efforts.

A took me to dinner last night using a Groupon he had for a new sandwich shop. I was very concerned because a lot of times the salads at these places are tiny and seriously lacking substance and flavor. Lucky me they had a gyro salad, two sizes, so I gobbled down the large and was quite satisfied.

After dinner we walked around a part of a lake that is very popular in this area. It was just a leisurely 1.7 mile stroll but the alternative was to sit on the couch. We both wanted to get outdoors too, so this was terrific. There are nearly 10 miles of paths around this lake, and we took part of one that neither of us had been on before (turns out we've only touched on the same 2 miles our entire lives) so it felt like a vacation. We saw a bog and imagined we were in Florida swamplands, then walked near a very tall highway bridge that was so surreal we felt like a T Rex might come around one of the legs at any minute! It was fun, relaxing, creative and fun.

The milestone goal I'm working toward right now is 245 by June 23, 20 days from today. It is possible but I think I'll miss it by a couple of pounds. I am more than O.K. with this because hey, I will be in the 240's during this time, more than 20 pounds lighter than when I started this. I am so excited!! I'll get to do some shopping for better fitting clothes then too :-D

That's all for now. Hope all are well.

LL xoxo

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Gettin' Bored but Pushing Through

Not sure what I weigh today. The scale is still at 256.2 but I'm retaining water; can't WAIT to see those lower numbers!

I've been tempted to eat some off limit carbs like cake and french fries, but I pushed past the temptations each time. I've really got it in my head and heart that I have goals I want to reach. At 2-lbs per week (a modest rate for me), I would be 233 when school starts up again (a total weight loss of 37 lbs). If I do more I could dip into the 220's. By the holiday break I'd be below, maybe well below, 200. It has been more than 10 years since I've weighed less than 200.

So anyhow, I'm bored and tired of all the preplanning, shopping, preparation that takes place even before a workday morning when I have to figure out what to eat all day. A few weeks ago. However, in spite of feeling this way, I'm determined to stick to it. I've hovered at the same weight for about 3 weeks now because I indulged (which I do not regret) so I'm determined to get this moving again.

Any suggestions? My biggest thing is being excited about food, which I'm not right now. I don't even want to eat but as I explained in an earlier post, skipping meals leads to pigging out on lots of bad carbs, so for this reason alone I'm forcing myself to eat.

I'm tired today too, so I'll end here. I hope all are well.

LL xoxo