The Morning After

Last night I made a point of getting to bed by midnight so that I could be at work by 8a.m. After three nights of the best sleep I've had in months, I thought I would just continue the same at home. Insert LOUD gameshow buzzer here! No way. I've been fostering an adult cat and some kittens for the past month, and the adult has to stay in my bedroom because she's afraid of my adult cats. True to her species' nocturnal nature, she's up all night making noise which in turn keeps me awake all night. There was also a storm that woke me up (geeze, what's with the storms this year?!), so I got dressed and ran outside to make sure the car windows were up (they were). I read for a few minutes and went back to sleep, but not for long.

I finally put the adult foster cat out of my room because it was clear to me that there is nothing wrong with me, I'm not a freak who just can't sleep. There are things at home preventing me from doing so. Unfortunately it was already too late. I tossed and turned and the overcast morning made it seem earlier than it was. I got out of bed an hour after I wanted to be at work. It's only Monday and I already have 2 hours of work to make up. *sigh*

I told A last weekend that of all the areas of my life where I'm falling short, getting enough sleep has to be the priority. When I'm tired I'm late to work and have to work weekends to make up the time. When I'm tired I don't have the energy to plan/shop/prepare healthy meals which of course has stalled my weight loss. When I'm tired (and working weekends) I'm not able to exercise, and I desperately need to exercise (more on that later). So if I'm going to get on track I absolutely MUST get enough good sleep.

The other factor that's negatively affecting me is how broke I am. No matter what I do, how much I plan, or what I give up, I never have enough money. It costs money to eat well, even bottom-of-the-barrel eating well. Although my weight loss has stalled, I've lost enough that my pants don't fit, but I can't afford new ones. I sprang for a cheap pair of shorts last weekend, but I had to return them last night so that I could buy cat food for the kittens and deoderant for my child. I'm not even joking.

I emailed the director of the fostering program and explained that I cannot afford to do this right now. I don't feel good about this, but I do feel good about taking a stand. Fosters are told that the only expense is food and litter, but my gosh, these kittens still won't eat dry food regularly, and their appetites are growing along with their little bodies. I was told last night that I need to buy supplies to treat all the cats for ringworm. Um, that was not part of the deal. What makes it worse is that I have to treat alllll of the cats, including mine, but who's going to pay for my cats' meds? Yep, it's up to me. Again, I didn't sign on for this. I told the director that the only way I can continue this is if someone else buys all of the supplies for the fosters.

This morning I wrote a letter to my child explaining that a) I'm broke, b) there are things we need that I can't afford (such as food) and c) the guinea pig has to go because he eats about $10 worth of produce each week (add this to the needs of my cats and the foster cats and it comes to $35 per week).

So this is why I haven't been posting regularly--I don't want to dump a bunch of negativity on anyone. However, this is life, this is real. I'm struggling right now in just about every area of my life right now. No one has died, no one has cancer. I am grateful that it's not worse than it is, but it's tough to remain positive when putting forth sooooo much effort only to keep falling behind.

LL :-(