262.6/ 7.4 lbs lost (retaining water)

The day after I wrote my last blog I unexpectedly wrote an email to my sister, and this time it was different. I was in-your-face (but not rude) and tough. I put it all out there. The week that I spent mulling it over allowed me to look at what she said from different angles. I realized that I became active in the gay community 6 years before she even came out of the closet (up until then, she was living the straight life). I realized that of all the texts, emails, phone calls and fb posts through which I have reached out to her over the years, she didn't respond until I challenged her in the email I wrote a few weeks ago; that is messed up. The email she sent me a week later said that she was going to talk with me at Thanksgiving dinner last year, but turned it around on me by saying "but you weren't there." I challenged that too. I asked her why she didn't call/text/email me after dinner? I asked her why she had set me up, why she had made a rule that this was my one and only chance with her yet not telling me about it.

No matter what I wrote to her in the original email, she found a way to twist it and turn it back on me. When I complimented her and told her that I have always respected her and looked up to her, she threw it back at me and told me that she never asked to be my role model. When I told her that I have stood up for her during the time she refused to speak to me, she said that she didn't need me to do that. Can you see what I'm dealing with? She's decided to not like me, to despise me actually. I've done absolutely nothing to deserve it and it's apparent that there's nothing I can do to change it.

I didn't send the email. I wanted to wait and be sure. While I was writing it I was shaking all over and my heart was racing. Within an hour of saving it to my draft folder, I felt all lit up inside. I thought it was because the sun was shining for the first time in weeks, but I realized that I felt free and I felt strong. Even though I still haven't sent it, I feel that I've stood up for myself to a powerful force, stood up and said, "I don't care anymore, you no longer have the power to hurt me. I've taken control and taken that power away from you."

I never expected to feel this good. I really feel like I've shaken off the last, painful chunks of stone that I've been chiseling away at for the past 2 decades. I no longer care what my mother, sister or any other member of the family thinks of me. I was conditioned by my mother to be her emotiona punching bag and she has shown the rest of the family that it's acceptable for them to use me the same way. It's not O.K. It's not right. I am going to be just fine without them. Great actually.

I honestly can say that I can't wait for the rest of my life to happen.

What I am grateful for:

1) ME!!!!!!!!
2) My strength
3) my wonderful support system
4) the shining sun

Goals for today:

1) go to my internship even though I don't want to
2) choose the right foods
3) smile alot
4) brighten up someone's day (especially my own)

LL xoxo

Short & Sweet

264.8 (day 5 of induction phase)

My mind is completely pre-occupied with my sister's accusations. I am a good person and I've never done anything wrong to her or her girlfriend; just the opposite actually. This isn't about how bad things happen to good people (that's a question for the powers that be, fate, etc.). This is about being good to people for 30 years (I didn't really know my sister before then), about living my beliefs (been in the Pride parade several times, attended Pride with this same sister twice, etc. etc.) and being accused of being a homophobe. It blows my mind, truly. :-(

My family participates in this. No one is standing up for me, least of all our mother. Heard yesterday that she's badmouthing me to A's grandmother. Nice huh?

If I was reading this, I'd tell the writer that she deserves better and to just let these people go, however I'm having a hard time taking what would be my own advise.

I'm at work, later than I wanted to be because I'm a bit depressed and when I'm depressed I stay in bed. It's my refuge. However, I did get up, made breakfast, prepared lunch, straightened the kitchen, showered and dressed for work. I am here.

LL xoxo

Back on Track

263.6 (day 4 of induction phase)

Last week I went off my diet plan for about 48 hours due to being with A and his family through the wake and funeral of his grandmother. I ate very few carbs but I did have sugar in the form of 2 desserts, and one or both of these caused me to hold about an extra 3 lbs of water. On Thursday I jumped back on board and I've stuck to it even better than before.

Sugar of any amount is a big no-no, so I'm reading ingredients more carefully. We found out that bacon and sausage all have sugar (why?), so I bought ground pork from the butcher and added mixed in spices myself. It was great actually! Me and A had some for breakfast yesterday and it was really good. I never knew I could do that, and its so much cheaper to buy the unseasoned meat and make the patties myself. I also bought uncured, uncut chunk of what will be sliced into bacon. I'll let you know how that one goes. :-D

 

Last week I received a response from my sister regarding the email I sent her two weeks ago, and it's stressing me out. It looks as if either her girlfriend wrote it or that she dictated it to my sister. My sister is a head person, always letting her head rule her emotions while her girlfriend is the COMPLETE opposite. Well, the email was VERY emotional and some of the things mentioned are things that I know for a fact are issues of the girlfriend.

I want to write back but I've been trying to figure out what to say. I told a friend that I wasn't going to defend myself because it's a waste of time and will make me seem petty, but after letting 5 days pass I don't feel any less of a need to defend myself. I might write a draft today just to start working through it.

The semester is almost over and I couldn't be happier. I need an academic break like nobody's business, and I'm looking forward to earning a full-time paycheck again. I am going to treat myself well this summer. I'm going places, and I'm spending money on myself. I want to try new things, like maybe ziplining. I don't want to sit in the house and hide out. I want to see my friends. I want long weekends out of town with A. Boy I just can't wait. :-D

LL xoxo

Mediocre

264.8

I've been really busy the past two days with the wake and funeral of A's grandmother. I cooked breakfast which made us 20 minutes late in getting to the funeral home (only had 5 hrs. sleep the night before) but then the church provided lunch and a relative took the family out for dinner. I made the choice to just eat whatever. I had already decided to restart the induction phase of the diet based on some more info that I found online, so taking a "day off" was not going to be detrimental. I still made good choices though and even though I wasn't sticking to the plan, I didn't go hog wild either. I enjoyed what I ate and only ate until I was full.

I went into this diet rather suddenly and therefore was ill-prepared, so there are a few things I want to do differently this time around. For one, I wasn't tracking my carbs and I'm certain I had more than what I should have had. I didn't have any condiments but during this time I found recipes for mayo and bbq sauce (I am a Midwestern gal after all), so I'd like to make up a few things to have on hand. I also need to do better meal planning. The past two Sundays I grilled a LOT of meat for the purpose of having it throughout the week. Unfortunately, not only did other people take too much, but while I was sleeping this past Sunday night my child's friend ate about half of what I had set aside for myself, so I also need to label what is mine. Also, simply because I could, I ate a LOT of food. I can't afford that. So rather than have 6 sausage patties with breakfast, I've reduced it to 2. Since I'm saving money by not buying the book, I want to put together a list of foods and carb counts.

(to be continued . . .)

From Good to Frustrating or Is This What Yin & Yang are All About?

263.6 (& holding water, so have lost another 1-2 lbs.)

I've had a good weekend. I spent 4 hours scrubbing the heck out of my kitchen Saturday morning. While it was NOT fun, I am VERY glad to have a shiny floor, no dirty dishes, a clean fridge, lovely cabinet doors and a sparkly stove. I've implemented a rule that for the timebeing no shoes are allowed. I worked too damn hard to have it all ruined with dirty shoes. ;-)

Me and the Man went to dinner at a Meditteranean (sp?) restaurant using a Groupon he bought. It was the first time I've been out since I changed my diet, and I did very well. It didn't bother me at all to pass on dishes that I've always loved. The Man said he's very proud of me and that he's never seen me so dedicated to getting healthy.

I relaxed Sunday, didn't push myself at all. I made brunch for me and the man and later I grilled a ton of stuff for dinner which fed 4 of us plus enough for a few lunches.

I kept the T.V. off yesterday and got lots of schoolwork done (YAY!!), but it was a bit tainted by my financial worries. This diet I'm on is neither cheap nor convenient. More than half the food budget is gone, and I'm constantly cooking. My plan when I grilled Sunday was to have enough to get me through the next 2-3 days, but a 4th person came to the house after I went to bed and at about half of it. I'm happy to share, but right now it's not convenient for me. :-(

For example, right now I've only got 2.5 hours before I have to leave the house and I won't be back until almost 10p. I have to eat now and then make stuff that I can take with me. I don't have the luxury of buying a box of health bars or packing a banana since those aren't allowed on this diet. *sigh*

Anyhoo, writing about this is making me a bit crabby, so I better just stop here.

Love to all!!

LL xoxo

A Nice, Peaceful Day

263.6 (-6.4lbs/9days)

Everything is heading in the right direction: school, homelife, weightloss/get-healthy plan, child's progress toward adulthood, friendships, separation from family.

I've been extremely tired the past two days, so I gave myself permission to just chill. The house is an embarrassing, disgusting mess, and that's O.K. Today I feel much better and I'm actually excited to get the house clean.

The semester is winding down and I couldn't be happier. I need a break like nobody's business. I'll be working full-time for the department this summer and I'm going to continue my internship as a volunteer position. I also have a mini vacation planned with the man. We're going to Branson for a 4-day-3-night stay at a lovely resort. Oh man I can't wait! As if that weren't enough, I'll be down at least 20 lbs by then, so I'm looking at being 245 lbs or less (depends on when we go, of course). I have't weighed that since I met the man nearly three years ago.

My mother called last night but she didn't leave a message. I still haven't received an email from anyone in the family. I'm keeping my eyes open but I don't expect any communication from them. If they do, I expect it will be to tell me how terrible and selfish I am, or that I'm not thinking of them and what they are going through (none of them are going through anything, this is just the standard "You're a rotten daughter/sister!" attack I get on the offchance that I stand up for myself).

Too Tired to Think

264.2

All of the work I've been doing these past three months has caught up with me. I left my internship early yesterday because I realized I had been listening to a woman talk for about 5 minutes and I hadn't done so much as nod my head or give a "uh huh" to let her know I was listening. I was dizzy and also had some sharp shooting pains in my abdomen and upper chest, so I canceled my afternoon appt. and went home to rest.


I slept for 3 hours, the longest nap I've had in ages and the deepest sleep I've had in at least a couple of years, no joke. I woke up for a few seconds and didn't know where I was, what time it was (was it day or night?) or what day of the week it was. I had tried taking a nap a few days before--I laid down for about 45 minutes and only fell asleep for 5. That is how it always goes for me.

So I took last night off. I didn't clean or do homework, and I wouldn't allow myself to even think about it. I felt better when I got up today but when I got to the conference I felt exhausted again (and all I did was sit for 3 hours). After I ate my lunch I saw that everyone from my department had left so I did the same. I'm home now, have had a snack, and the exhaustion is back. I'm going to lie down and take the night off again (although I'm sure I'll do some housework later, but at a relaxing pace).

LL xoxo

Yeah Baby!!

262.4

I'm moving my grateful list and goals list to the top of the blog so it's easier to see.

What I'm grateful for:

• being able to see my ankles!
• losing weight
• feeling more energy than I have in years!
• being loved by a wonderfully dedicated man
• getting along with my college-aged child :-D

Goals for today:

• go to work for a few hours
• clean the kitchen
• eat according to the diet plan
• feel good!!!
• be a friend
• fantasize about my vacation and other things I'll get to do this summer as my body gets smaller

As you can see this diet is working, very well! I've cut out all carbs aside from veggies and for the most part I'm eating healthy protein. I chose this updated version of the Atkin's diet because I have a serious problem with water retention. It's not weight related, it's activity related. I had my first office job 14 years ago and I was 100 lighter than I am now. Sitting at a desk for up to 10 hours a day proved to be a problem, one that I couldn't fix. I used to bind my feet every night with several scarves just to relieve the swelling.Now I sit more than ever and the water retention has become debilitating, preventing me from moving my body (thus unable to exercise, clean the house, run errands) and even keeping me from desk work (so I've lost hours at work, at the library, and doing homework). I went to a conference a few weeks ago, and between the bus ride there and back and two days of sitting, the retention was so bad that I couldn't move my ankles and my calves were so tight I could barely move the muscles. My legs were like bricks all the way up to my knees.

I tried OTC water pills, 3X the dose, and it didn't work. I've tried everything I can, so last week I decided to do Atkins and I'm SOOOOOO glad I did :-)

Another great thing about this is how energetic I am. I had my burst of energy kick in two days ago. I can't sit still! I don't get tired at all now, and I have no problem doing things from morning till night. My acid reflux has also gone away WOO HOO!!!

I track my weight at online fitness journal http://www.fitday.com/ and there is an option to set a weight-loss goal. I'm a big fan of setting small goals so I chose my birthday which is six weeks from now. I'm going to be 40! that number sounds so huge because, I've gotta tell ya, I don't FEEL 40. I feel 28! Anyhow, at three pounds weightloss per week I'll be at 245 on my big day. I looked at my weight chart for the past year and the lowest I've been is 253, so it's been a while and I'm really looking forward to it :-D I have beautiful and stylish clothes in my closet that are just begging me to wear them, and in about 6 weeks I'll be able to :-)

So for my birthday A and I are going to a Branson resort for 3 nights and I can't wait! I need a vacation like nobody's business. I haven't been away from home in over a year, and it's been nearly two years since A and I have gone away by ourselves. I don't care if it rains the whole time, I'm gettin' the heck outta dodge!

One last thing: my family. I haven't heard a thing from my mother since Monday (two days ago) and that was just an email telling me about the day trip she took with her friend last week. I haven't received a response from my sister, and I doubt that I ever will. I was so down on Sunday, realizing that if the members of my family don't try to make things right, I will never see them again. I will be without a family. Think about that, the gravity of that. No holdiay get-togethers, no chatting about your day or sharing your accomplishments . . . none of that. That was hit me hard on Sunday, but by Monday morning I was fine. I felt free! I no longer have to pretend like I'm O.K. when I'm actually very hurt from being ignored time and time again. I don't have to listen as my mother attacks me with some BS that she says for the sole purpose of hurting me (last time she did that was last October, and it was a doozy let me tell you). I no longer have to feel the rejection from my brother as he, once again, tells me no to my invitations. I no longer have to be reminded that my sister has gone off the deep end and cut me from her life just because I told her it was wrong to skip my graduation (she knew about it nearly 2 months ahead of time--plenty of time to make arrangements). I am a good person, I care deeply about people, and in my daily actions I stand up for people. I am wholeheartedly against racism and sexism, and I am definitely not the homophobe that my sister's girlfriend/partner accuses me to be. I don't deserve to be treated as if I'm a disease that no one wants around. I don't pick fights, I don't criticize my sisters, yet I'm the outcast. It makes no sense.

But it no longer has to. I didn't realize how bad it was until I woke up Monday and felt inner peace for the first time in my life. I had no idea how much this was all integrated in my family. I never saw so much because I was raised to be this way. My mother has never loved me or treated me the way she does everyone else. She will (and clearly has) drop-kick me to the curb just to keep her relationship with my sisters, and my brother? Boy, he can do no wrong, yet he's like so many "men" today. He's in his mid-30's yet up until a year ago he was living in her basement, jobless for most of the prior 10 years, drinking with friends at all hours of the night and running up mom's bills (can you say pay-per-view porn to the tune of $200? Oh yeah). However, I have almost always had 2 jobs, sometimes 3, have raised a child almost single-handedly, attend school full-time (honor student thank you very much), and care for my home. I've learned to do auto repair in order to a) save money and b) not get snowed by mechanics. I shovel snow and cut grass. I keep everything well-stocked, we never go without shampoo or toilet paper. I cook when I can, and not crappy stuff. I make nice meals when I have the time and hardly ever fry anything. I do all of this and never say a word about it because I was yelled at if there was any thought that I might be bragging or saying things to get attention. I've taken part in some wonderful things that people don't even know about because I'm afraid to tell them (that's my family for ya).

So, do I miss my family?  Not one damn bit ;-)

LL xoxo

What will today bring?

My first reaction at the start of yesterday's panic attack was to go to bed. That is a coping mechanism that I've had since I was 12-years-old. I was in intensive therapy two years ago and spent some time addressing this. When the pain became too much for me, I'd stay in bed 1-3 days until it had subsided. I haven't felt that way in a long time, but yesterday it came back. I briefly considered it, but then while sitting at my dining room table I looked outside at the beautiful sunny day. I didn't want to hole myself up and hide from life, so I called a neighbor and asked if I could come over because I was fighting a panic attack. She met me at her door with a large glass of iced tea and gave all her attention to me for the next hour.

She, a very tough ex-military woman, said that she would go to the restaurant where my family was going to be for dinner and and tell them all how terribly they were treating me, and tell my sister what a you-know-what she was being. Hearing her say that helped me see how bad things are because I was witnessing her reaction to the sickness that is my family. Feeling her care and concern at a moment when I was feeling very unloved definitely helped. She has seen me go through rough times with my child and with men and she's never said this before, so now you can understand the gravity of her words.

My head was in a cloud for the rest of the day, and it was clear that I was feeling down, BUT I mostly went about my day as I would have any other. I did some homework, helped my child with homework, cooked, and even went for a long walk with the man (I'm just going to call him A from now on). Not as great as I would like to become but it was definitely heading in the right direction.

As for food, I stuck to my diet except for the 1.5 Cups of ice cream I had. That was the stress being fed. It may backfire on me, but the entire day I was battling the urge to eat junk, cookies and chips (a mindless act that seems to soothe me). There was a moment late last night where I just went for it. Oh well. It was a bad day. I'm human, not perfect.

As for my family, my mother called 4 times and even sent me an "Everything OK?" message on facebook. If that isn't a guilty conscience I don't know what is. She never does that. How can a mother support, no, take part in, ostracizing one of her children? Yeah, that's just a small glimpse of who my mother is. Me? I could NEVER do that to someone.

I know this post is all over the place, but I'm trying to limit my rambling so I'm fast-forwarding to today. I've removed and blocked all of my family from facebook. I can't stand to see anymore evidence of how unwanted I am, and I don't want them having access to my life at all.

For the past year or so I've been fantasizing about moving to another state mainly so that I can get away from my family. When I imagine it, I feel peace and freedom and the chance to be myself for the very first time. Right now I feel the same way. When I think about my family completely leaving me alone (as opposed to seelcting what events they expect me to attend and which ones they'll hide from me), I feel like I can live my life and be myself. Damn, it feels good!!

So this post went from sad to very happy. I want happy. I'm aiming for happy. I deserve it. I've certainly paid my dues.

Things that I am grateful for:

• wonderful friends who support me and see things in me that I was never allowed to see
• a man who loves me in a way that no one person has ever loved me
• a child who is healthy and strong and preparing for adulthood
• the wonderful spring day and the breezes flowing through my house
• making a friend with a fellow blogger with whom I have so much in common
• my cats
• finding the strength to stand up for myself

Goals for today:

• continue with the diet
• work on my paper
• Be happy!

LL xoxo

Not Today

I feel like absolute crap today. I am fighting off a panic attack as I write this. There are family issues that are being dangled in front of my face, forcing me to make a decision on how to handle them. I just sent an email to a sister who has refused to talk to me for the past three years. Today is a very big day for her and the entire family minus my child and me have been invited to the event and the dinner that follows. No one has said a word to me, so everyeone is actively supporting this. I know about it because they keep talking about it on facebook. I think my blood pressure has changed; I feel differently. There is an odd feeling in my neck, shoulders and upper back. I think my heart rate has picked up as well. I don't like this.

Since I was born I have never felt real love. I've had three fathers, all of whom mistreated me or ignored me. My mother, too much to explain. I was close to one sibling but we grew apart, and no matter what I do now, there is no interest to improve the relationship. The other siblings were raised in another home but as adults we've had waves of closeness. I think about 5-6 months ago I shared some of the current problem on the blog. Unfortunately I don't have the energy to do it now. Suffice it to say, I've done nothing wrong, I never have. I was raised to be afraid to avoid doing anything to upset people. I spoke up about my disappointment regarding a sibling's nonattendance at an important event for me, and that sibling hasn't spoken to me since. I didn't cuss or raise my voice, there was no name calling or insane off-the-topic accusations (not on my part anyway), but the fact that I spoke up and demanded better is a big no-no in my family, so, I've been cut out.

I barely slept last night and right now I can't concentrate on anything and I don't want to see anyone. I think this means I should do the complete opposite and get outside (it's beautiful today) and spend time with people.

LL :-(

Ready to Live

Not sure what my weight is today but yesterday it was 268.2. I am holding water so honestly that will account for the extra couple of pounds.

I've started the two-week induction phase of the new and improved Atkin's Diet. I went to Denny's last night and had some skillit breakfast with veggies, meat and chease (all of which is allowed) but also some potatos (not allowed). It was the best I could do since they've gotten rid of their low-carb menu options.

I went to the store afterwards and bought some good stuff, like single-serving sizes of salmon (pkgd in marinades), breakfast sausage, bratwurst and some veggies. Yeah, it doesn't sound healthy, but one of the changes in the Atkin's Diet is to not eat processed meats like lunch meat and hotdogs. When I did this years ago, I honestly lived on hot dogs and lunch meat and rarely ate pure chicken or beef. I also couldn't have veggies, so I'm happy I can now. As far as veggies go, I honestly never eat them, so the fact that I will be now is great. I'm happy to have the variety (i.e. not just protein) for the next two weeks.

It's a beautiful day so my man and I are going to grill a bunch of different meats for our respective homes, like chicken, pork steak, bratwurst, burgers and pork chops. For brunch I'm having a veggies omelet and sausage. Yummy! :-D With dinner I will have a fabulous salad too!

Another thing I'm working on is my insomnia. There is a new product called "Beauty Rest" that is sold at QT next tot he 5-hour Energy, and man does it work. I bought one of each last night (one so I could sleep, the other so I cold wake up LOL) and it worked. I slept :-) Unfortunately it was a late night so I still didn't get to sleep until 2a.m., so I'll take it earlier tonight.

I feel a deep dedication and committment to getting better and feeling better. I am looking forward to not having puffy ankles and tight calves that prevent me from doing the smallest things. I'm looking forward to getting out of my house and living my life again. I want to go with friends to small cafes and not worry about being able to get around the tables or how uncomfortable the chairs will be for me. I want to take my man to the Fox, a place he's never been. I wantt o get on a plane and fly somewhere, maybe to Disneyworld (where right now I can't fit into the rides).

I'm so done with this baggage I've been wearing for the past 10 years. I am no longer afraid to let go of my protective force (the fat) and my source of comfort (food). I am finally ready to live.

LL xoxo

More Changes

268.2

As you know I'm in the process of doing a Life Inventory in order to make necssary changes and identify the strengths that will get me where I want to be. I've been eating much better. I was even 2 hours late to work yesterday because I made from scratch several healthy food items: oatmeal for breakfast (with a chopped apple and agave) and chicken salad (so delicious!! LOVE the recipe I found). This worked well in that I was never starving and therefore never overate. I wasn't even hungry at dinner time (YAY!!), not that I'm trying to skip meals, but nighttime is the WORST for me, so I know I'm on the right track.

However there is one problem that I have GOT to fix ASAP: swollen ankles. As a student, I sit. For my job, I sit. And when I sit, my ankles swell. Not only is it uncomfortable, it prevents me from doing just about anything other than more sitting. I wanted to go to the library after work last night but I was so uncomfortable that I had to go home and prop my feet up. If I would have continued to sit as I had been, my calves would have swelled too. This makes my jeans extremely tight (which certainly just makes it all worse), and I can't walk because I can't bend at the ankle and can't stretch my calves. See? It sucks.

I used to take prescribed water pills, but we lost our health insurance, so that't not an option. Last week I bought some OTC water pills, and even after taking 3x the allowed dosage my ankles continued to swell.

Because of all this I've decided to go back on the Atkin's diet. I did it about 15 years ago and interestingly after about 3-4 days, all the extra water left my body (you know how) and my ankles . . . oh my wonderful ankles . . . they came back! I saw the bones and could wiggle my feet :-D It was wonderful! I had read the book and this was not one of the intended effects of this diet, so it was a great surprise.

So for the next two weeks I'm in the induction phase, which is pretty common for a lot of diets. I see it as a cleansing phase, one that shocks the system. Luckily the diet has been recently modified so no more eating any kind of meat or fat I can get my hands on. Now it's healthier, unprocessed meat. Also, it used to be that only meat and fat were allowed during the induction, but now it states that I must eat 12-15 grams of healthy carbs per day (vegetables), and I'm so glad about that. No fruit or anything containing any sugar at all.

This may or may not all make sense. I'm not being as picky about my writing as usual because I don't feel well. I didn't sleep well at all last night. I'm tired of being tired (oh that's another wonderful side effect of Atkin's--the burst of energy that hits a few days in). Right now I don't even want to leave the house. Just thinking of it is overwhelming me, but all that's for another post :-D

LL xoxo

Let's Analyze Yesterday, Shall We???

There are a few things that I'm working on, all of which support the other things, all of which point the big goal of improving my quality of life. It's ony been a few days but I've been waking up every day with a passion for what I'm doing.

Calories
I ate over 3,000 calories yesterday, but it wasn't the quantity, it was the quality of the food. In all I had 2.5 hamburgers, french fries, popcorn, 2 apples and a sweet potato. If you spread out that quantity over the day it's not bad. It's just what the food was. Well you see, I'm not stupid. I knew that the fat content and calories were far more than I should have been ingesting. I always know. But rather than just "know," I've started recording what I eat on FitDay.com so that I can see how many calories and where those calories are from. Yesterday I ate 50% more calories than the day before.

Timing
I skipped breakfast because I had an early meeting. I wasn't hungry and didn't really think about it. If I had, I would've done what I always do--assumed there was nothing I could put together and eat quickly and skip it anyway. I also would've just made plans to go to lunch or brunch after the meeting. Guess what? This just makes me hungrier, more desperate for calories, and no matter the good intentions I have, I always, ALWAYS go for the most calorie dense food, and too much of it.

I have a late class on Tuesdays, so I took a baked sweet potato to eat while at work as well as 2 apples to eat during the class break. I knew I'd still want to eat something when I got home (which is after my 9p cutoff for eating) but I figured I'd just have the salad that's sitting in the fridge. Well on the way home I called my boyfriend and got upset with him. Before I got off the phone, the oil for the french fries was heating up on the stove and I was making patties out of ground beef for the hamburgers. I knew what I was doing and why, I just didn't care.

I made three burgers and ate around 10:30, 1.5 hours past my cutoff time. I wanted more fries but decided to eat another hamburger. They were sitting there, not being eaten. I thought about how I could aspirate from eating too close to bedtime, but I did it anyway. Wanna know what I did to prevent aspirating? I slept on the couch. I can sleep on my side better on the couch than the bed because I can put my weight against the back of the couch, which then sort of props me up. Also, the center of the couch sinks a bit, so that puts my stomach lower than my head, so I don't aspirate.  Sad, isn't it?

Sleep
I was so tired from not getting enough rest the night before, and at midnght my body was ready to sleep. I did a few things around the house and then watched 2 too many episodes of Third Rock from the Sun, so I didn't go to sleep until 1a.m.

Focusing on the Positives
Because I don't expect to be perfect, because I understand that I will reach my goals by making small changes, by not allowing myself to use the mistakes and shortcomings as tools for self-abuse, and by not allowing the downfalls to to keep me from continuing on my journey . . . here are the things that I'm proud of from yesterday:

• eating something healthy
• taking food with me to work and class to aleviate late-night hunger
• cooking at home
• going to bed an hour earlier than usual
• tracking my calories

The day was not a waste. While the calorie intake will not make me healthier, my attitude change and persistance will.

I'm writing this while sitting at Panera. I came her to eat (skipped breakfast, again) and do homework. I wasn't sure how I'd do with the calories, but I came in knowing that I'd skip the pastries. To my wonderful surprise, I saw that they've added the calories of each item next to each item listed on the menu. Oh Happy Day!! I actually ordered by the numbers! I chose the lowest calorie soup and the lowest calorie sandwich (tuna salad of all things); however I did get chips for the side ;-) I then went online and added this to today's food diary, and so far I've had 500 calories, 32% of it from fat. Not bad!! Yesterday half of my calories were from fat. So if I eat well for dinner and a snack, I'm sure that 32% will drop some. YAY!!!

LL xoxo

Gettin' ready for bed. I'm finally tired, really tired. Could've gone to sleep an hour ago but I wanted to straighten up and then work on my food diary and blog. Well, this'll be short cuz like I said, I'm tired.

I had 3,222 calories today. I ate 2.5 hamburgers which I figure was about a pound of hamburger meat. I also had a bunch of french fries again. I know what the issues were that led up to my eating 1.5 hamburgers and fries at 10:30pm:

• had a late class
• wanted something to eat when I got home but the only meat thawed out was ground beef, so I made burgers.

I have a salad mix but I wanted grilled chicken with it. Since the chicken is frozen I just ate burgers instead. Of course the clear thing would've been to just eat the salad.

Well I'm off to bed.

LL xoxo

I only got 4 hours of sleep last night, if you can even call it sleep. I've had insomnia for weeks and it pretty much sucks. I'm not able to go to sleep until 2a.m., I toss and turn (or even worse, I get up several times), and then I "sleep" until about 10a.m. When I finally get up, I'm so tired that it can take hours for me to be functional. Then I've only got a few hours to do everything and the cycle starts all over again.

I attended a bi-monthly meeting this morning that started at 8a.m. Now given what I just shared with you, you can imagine how important this must have been for me to push myself to go after just 4 hours in bed. I'm back home now, had a bite to eat, and am going to take a nap so that I can make it through work and class (which ends at 9:40p.m.).

As I am apt to do, I've been thinking about my life inventory. I realized that the hardest thing to do when making a change in yourself is to balance the realization of how messed up you are while loving yourself enough to let go of it and move forward. There are no full-length mirrors in my house, so when I get ready to go somewhere all I see is my head. I fix my hair and put on makeup that brings out my eyes. I look in the medicine cabinet mirror and smile, seeing the pretty, honest face that I've just decorated. I put on dress clothes, nice heels and some earings. I feel good, I walk tall, and I tell myself that I'm going to impress with my professional look and attitude.

But on ocassion I walk by a glass door or well-polished glossy sign and I catch (or more acurately, I avoid) a glimpse of myself. When I approach glass doors I focus on doorframe so that I won't see how bad I look. Well this morning as I was leaving the meeting, I walked past one of those large, black, well-polished signs. I saw how big I am. Round actually. *Sigh* I had just introduced myself to the chair of a committee I want to join and he was rather unreceptive. Could it be because I don't look as professional as I feel?

I walked out to my car thinking about how I had just seen what I really look like. I faced it and accepted it. I then immediately moved on to how good I feel that I've started this process of making myself better. That's when I realized that there has to be a balance between facing who I am, the bad choices that got me here, the terrible emotions that pushed me to overeat, and how physically debilitated I've become. I'm finally facing the reality that is my future if I don't reverse the damge I've done . . . if I don't put a halt to the imminent downfall of my health.

I've tried doing this before, but I guess I wasn't ready until now. Of course, I wasn't as bad off as I am now. I'm about 10 lbs heavier than I've ever been. The limitations it's having on my life is greater than ever. I guess that was OK for a while when I was retreating further and further from life, my friends and opportunities, but now I see all that I'm missing. I want to travel and visit places. To do that I have to be able to fit into seats. I also need the energy and stamina to move. I'll have to climb stairs or hike up to a waterfall or take long walks around a new city.

LL xoxo

Personal Inventory

Today I started putting together a personal inventory. I spent quite a bit of time online trying to find a step-by-step but alas one does not exist, so that means this is going to tak a little longer since I have to both outline what I need to inventory and then fill it out. I thought I'd actually be done today, but I didn't. That's OK. I've been learning to not be hard on myself when things don't go as planned (do they EVER go as planned? I think not). The important thing is that I took an initial step to making some important life changes.

As for food, I did as I said and ate what I wanted, but I still listened to my body and used and my head. At dinner, I didn't force myself to eat everything I cooked. I even threw away some of the leftovers because I knew they wouldn't reheat well. Typically when this happens, I force myself to eat what won't save. I'm not good at letting go of hot, tasty food that's right in front of me. It actually wasn't even difficult. I'm so proud of myself!

Now for what I ate today:

• 1 1/3 pork steaks
• 1/2 cup of ice cream
• 1/2 lb hamburger
• white bun with 2T mayo
• steak fries, fried
• about 2 qts of iced tea w/rasberry syrup and sweet 'n' low

I've entered these items into Fitday.com and it's telling me that I've eaten 1653 calories, 108 grams of fat (972 calories, 59%), 71.4 grams of carbs (285.6 calories, 17%) and 94.3 grams of protein (377.2 calories, 23%). Not good at all. I had twice as much as the maximum amount of fat allowed, and of course none of it was good fat (or good protein for that matter). Wow. That's a lot of meat and fat with a bit of sugar for good measure. No fruits or veggies, even though there's a dark green salad mix, baby carrots and baked sweet potatoes in the fridge and apples in the fruit basket.

I ate around 8pm and at midnight I was ready to eat again, however, one of the rules to healthy eating is to not eat before bed. I have an additional problem in that my weight pressing on my chest while I sleep causes me to aspirate, and I don't want to die yet (or that way) so I didn't eat anything.

During dinner I realized I was starting to eat too much, but, because I'm working on being more positive with myself (as opposed to constantly seeing myself as a failure), I recognized that normally I'd force myself to eat the other hamburger and finish all the fries. I overate, but not as much as usual; not by a long shot.

I've already made some better choices, and the best part is that I didn't use anything at all as an excuse to put myself down. As long as I continue adding up positive choices and praise myself instead of tearing myself down, I'll be fine. :-D

LL xoxo

More BIG Changes

266.8

Hello again! I've been MIA from the blog for two months but for now, at least, I'm back. I have been overwhelmed with responsibilities and trying to figure out how to juggle the oh-so-many things I'm overseeing. I dropped a class which which freed me a bit but didn't actually make for more free time. It's like wearing a pair of jeans that are so tight you can't breathe. I went up a size, and breathing isn't quite as difficult, but it's still not the right size. Make sense? Good :-D (I love analogies, they can make everything crystal clear).

I was seriously behind in my internship hours, but an unexpected two-day out-of-town trip to a conference and a couple of extra meetings bumped me up to where I'm now on target to a successful finish. I won't even need to take the delayed grade that the director offered me. YAY!!

On the downside, I've gained 7 pounds since December. I bought some new jeans in early January and they are way too tight now. There are days that I have no choice but to wear them, and I hate every second of it. I keep wondering if I should break down and buy more in the larger size or push myself to lose the weight. The reality is that I feel so fat in what I've got now that it's bringing me down, and the more down I feel, the less apt I am to exercise and eat well. But I feel that buying the next size up could also prevent me from losing weight. Weird huh?

I think the best thing is for me to part with the money and purchase some jeans that I can feel comfortable in. I do enough negative thinking, so that really is the most important thing to avoid right now. I've noticed lately that when I feel good about how I look (i.e. clothes fit, makeup and hair done), I feel lifted overall and tend to want to do better for myself. So yeah, I'll buy the jeans. :-D

So a few months ago I started working on my outlook (a.k.a. attitude, but that sounds so negative), and I have done very well. I hardly ever yell, when I'm upset I am more to-the-point, and I don't feel overwhelmed with stress all the time. I've also made a conscious effort to not knock myself around. I've always found any reason at all to feel worthless. With my responsibilities, rather than feeling good at whatever I have accomplished in a day, I berate myself for all that didn't get done. I'm so bad that I would attack myself because a) I chose rest over getting up at the crack of dawn to get started on the work, b) I took a couple of hours to relax during the day or night instead of working, and/or c) I didn't push myself hard enough (military folk and Amish people work nonstop, so why can't I? See? Told you I'm good at this. Who on Earth compares his/herself to Amish people??). Well, for the past few weeks I've stopped doing that. Well, I still do but once I see it happening, I put a stop to it.

Now back to my weight. It's bothering me in sooooo many ways, and I really have to do something. I overate yesterday, ate again before bed, and in my sleep I aspirated food into my lungs. Sadly this is not the first time that I've done this (aspirated). My eating is a problem, and my current weight sits on my chest and weighs me down to where I can't even breathe, thus causing me to choke when the food comes up from the pressure of my weight on my stomache. Isn't this terrible? I am killing myself in more ways than one through my eating crutch. And you know what? I got up and had a porksteak and ice creams for breakfast. I knew it was wrong but I couldn't stop myself.

I haven't slept well in weeks, I have heartburn every day, something is wrong with my left hip/upper thigh and I can't lie on it (it hurts like you-know-what), and now my right side is starting to do the same, so my only option is to sleep on my back, but guess what? I can't breathe on my back and that's why I aspirate. My legs hurt all the time (from all the sitting I do I guess) and it hurts to move/walk. I can't bend over because my weight pushes on my lungs and I can't breathe. I am out of breath just from bending or from walking up the basement steps. I have never felt this out of shape. It's critical now, I know it is, but I don't know how to change it. In the past, I'd have a regular schedule and could fit in regular workouts; the exercise would push me to eat healthier and Voila! I'd lose weight. Unfortunately my schedule right now is all over the place, so I have no idea when I can work out, and I'm no good at just "working out when I get the chance." That's disorganized and simply doesn't work for me.

So, what I've decided to do is take today off from all work (although I will do some here and there, I just won't push myself to do it) so that I can completely focus on doing a LIFE INVENTORY on myself. I need to see the details of who I am, what my life currently is, what I want it to be, and what I can do to get there. It's not all going to be bad either. I will list my strengths so that I can use them to make changes, as well as to learn how certain strengths can pick up the slack of the weaknesses. Yes, I ate badly this morning, but I've decided that today is not about exercise or eating well (unless I want to), because with those things in mind I'll just start feeling down on myself again (and isn't that partly what got me here?).

So that is the goal for today, and writing this very open, very honest blog was the first step for today's work.

What I am thankful for:

• Being alive
• Living in a time and place where I have free will and choice
• Being mentally healthy and strong
• Having the ability to make my life better all on my own (i.e. I don't need to be hospitalized)
• Having an independent, intelligent child
• My very supportive friends
• My ability to recognize what's not working and to be able to fix it

Wish me peace and love,

LL xoxo