Sunday, April 10, 2011

Not Today

I feel like absolute crap today. I am fighting off a panic attack as I write this. There are family issues that are being dangled in front of my face, forcing me to make a decision on how to handle them. I just sent an email to a sister who has refused to talk to me for the past three years. Today is a very big day for her and the entire family minus my child and me have been invited to the event and the dinner that follows. No one has said a word to me, so everyeone is actively supporting this. I know about it because they keep talking about it on facebook. I think my blood pressure has changed; I feel differently. There is an odd feeling in my neck, shoulders and upper back. I think my heart rate has picked up as well. I don't like this.

Since I was born I have never felt real love. I've had three fathers, all of whom mistreated me or ignored me. My mother, too much to explain. I was close to one sibling but we grew apart, and no matter what I do now, there is no interest to improve the relationship. The other siblings were raised in another home but as adults we've had waves of closeness. I think about 5-6 months ago I shared some of the current problem on the blog. Unfortunately I don't have the energy to do it now. Suffice it to say, I've done nothing wrong, I never have. I was raised to be afraid to avoid doing anything to upset people. I spoke up about my disappointment regarding a sibling's nonattendance at an important event for me, and that sibling hasn't spoken to me since. I didn't cuss or raise my voice, there was no name calling or insane off-the-topic accusations (not on my part anyway), but the fact that I spoke up and demanded better is a big no-no in my family, so, I've been cut out.

I barely slept last night and right now I can't concentrate on anything and I don't want to see anyone. I think this means I should do the complete opposite and get outside (it's beautiful today) and spend time with people.

LL :-(

2 comments:

  1. I hope you went out today and enjoyed the day. I hope you were able to focus on what you can change, yourself in how you react to others and not on them, because no matter what we can never change how others act/are. I totally can relate to you about family drama and the pain that goes with it. But if you can try and step away from it all, don't dwell or over think about the past because we cannot change them. Take things for what they are, if you are able to do something then do so otherwise let it be.

    I think the one thing that has helped me was to realize I kept on living in the past or the future, that I hadn't been living in the present for most of my life. That I was missing out on my life, that regardless of how much I thought about things it would never change, in ways it helped break the chains of guilt and remorse that has weighed my heart and soul for most of my life. These things that were instilled in me by my culture, this society and my family and then by my self. A vicious cycle repeating itself, in which I kept running in the circles hoping for something different. When in reality nothing would never till I stepped away outside the circle.

    I totally agree with you about the expectations that our society has on woman to be perfect (physically, emotionally and intellectually)that we need to raise perfect children, to be a marytr and not expect anything in return. So we become our harshest critic and we punish ourselves, over and over again.

    Feel better, you are a beautiful and wonderful woman.

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  2. Thank you so much for your kind words. It really helps to know I have support while I go through this. It reminds me that I'm not a terrible person who deserves to be treated badly, and that it's my family, not me, that is messed up. It helps me walk away from their sickness.

    I just realized a few months ago that I was also either living in the past or the future, never the present. I started making a point of focusing on the now, and interestingly my stress started to diminish. I became so much more calm! Thank you for reminding me of this, especially on a day like yesterday :-D

    I did get out a couple of times, once to talk with a neighbor until my nerves calmed down and later after dinner to walk through the neighborhood. It was still a hard day and certainly not perfect (still felt down most of the day) but each time I got out it made a big difference.

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