Hello again! I've been MIA from the blog for two months but for now, at least, I'm back. I have been overwhelmed with responsibilities and trying to figure out how to juggle the oh-so-many things I'm overseeing. I dropped a class which which freed me a bit but didn't actually make for more free time. It's like wearing a pair of jeans that are so tight you can't breathe. I went up a size, and breathing isn't quite as difficult, but it's still not the right size. Make sense? Good :-D (I love analogies, they can make everything crystal clear).
I was seriously behind in my internship hours, but an unexpected two-day out-of-town trip to a conference and a couple of extra meetings bumped me up to where I'm now on target to a successful finish. I won't even need to take the delayed grade that the director offered me. YAY!!
On the downside, I've gained 7 pounds since December. I bought some new jeans in early January and they are way too tight now. There are days that I have no choice but to wear them, and I hate every second of it. I keep wondering if I should break down and buy more in the larger size or push myself to lose the weight. The reality is that I feel so fat in what I've got now that it's bringing me down, and the more down I feel, the less apt I am to exercise and eat well. But I feel that buying the next size up could also prevent me from losing weight. Weird huh?
I think the best thing is for me to part with the money and purchase some jeans that I can feel comfortable in. I do enough negative thinking, so that really is the most important thing to avoid right now. I've noticed lately that when I feel good about how I look (i.e. clothes fit, makeup and hair done), I feel lifted overall and tend to want to do better for myself. So yeah, I'll buy the jeans. :-D
So a few months ago I started working on my outlook (a.k.a. attitude, but that sounds so negative), and I have done very well. I hardly ever yell, when I'm upset I am more to-the-point, and I don't feel overwhelmed with stress all the time. I've also made a conscious effort to not knock myself around. I've always found any reason at all to feel worthless. With my responsibilities, rather than feeling good at whatever I have accomplished in a day, I berate myself for all that didn't get done. I'm so bad that I would attack myself because a) I chose rest over getting up at the crack of dawn to get started on the work, b) I took a couple of hours to relax during the day or night instead of working, and/or c) I didn't push myself hard enough (military folk and Amish people work nonstop, so why can't I? See? Told you I'm good at this. Who on Earth compares his/herself to Amish people??). Well, for the past few weeks I've stopped doing that. Well, I still do but once I see it happening, I put a stop to it.
Now back to my weight. It's bothering me in sooooo many ways, and I really have to do something. I overate yesterday, ate again before bed, and in my sleep I aspirated food into my lungs. Sadly this is not the first time that I've done this (aspirated). My eating is a problem, and my current weight sits on my chest and weighs me down to where I can't even breathe, thus causing me to choke when the food comes up from the pressure of my weight on my stomache. Isn't this terrible? I am killing myself in more ways than one through my eating crutch. And you know what? I got up and had a porksteak and ice creams for breakfast. I knew it was wrong but I couldn't stop myself.
I haven't slept well in weeks, I have heartburn every day, something is wrong with my left hip/upper thigh and I can't lie on it (it hurts like you-know-what), and now my right side is starting to do the same, so my only option is to sleep on my back, but guess what? I can't breathe on my back and that's why I aspirate. My legs hurt all the time (from all the sitting I do I guess) and it hurts to move/walk. I can't bend over because my weight pushes on my lungs and I can't breathe. I am out of breath just from bending or from walking up the basement steps. I have never felt this out of shape. It's critical now, I know it is, but I don't know how to change it. In the past, I'd have a regular schedule and could fit in regular workouts; the exercise would push me to eat healthier and Voila! I'd lose weight. Unfortunately my schedule right now is all over the place, so I have no idea when I can work out, and I'm no good at just "working out when I get the chance." That's disorganized and simply doesn't work for me.
So, what I've decided to do is take today off from all work (although I will do some here and there, I just won't push myself to do it) so that I can completely focus on doing a LIFE INVENTORY on myself. I need to see the details of who I am, what my life currently is, what I want it to be, and what I can do to get there. It's not all going to be bad either. I will list my strengths so that I can use them to make changes, as well as to learn how certain strengths can pick up the slack of the weaknesses. Yes, I ate badly this morning, but I've decided that today is not about exercise or eating well (unless I want to), because with those things in mind I'll just start feeling down on myself again (and isn't that partly what got me here?).
So that is the goal for today, and writing this very open, very honest blog was the first step for today's work.
What I am thankful for:
- Being alive
- Living in a time and place where I have free will and choice
- Being mentally healthy and strong
- Having the ability to make my life better all on my own (i.e. I don't need to be hospitalized)
- Having an independent, intelligent child
- My very supportive friends
- My ability to recognize what's not working and to be able to fix it
Wish me peace and love,
LL xoxo
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