Friday, July 22, 2011

Things are getting better in some ways and worse in others, and of course the "worse" wins in the emotional tug-of-war. My fiance broke my trust again and I didn't see him for several days while I thought through the possibility of this relationship surviving. I told him that we've been together too long for this to still be an issue, and that we should be focusing and working on other things than this in preparation for our marriage. I've taken on a lot to be with him, compromising and settling in many ways. I did this all in the name of companionship and love.

I've never seen him so upset. It was like the reality of his choices really hit him in a way I've never seen. It hurts me to see him this way. For the past 14 hours I've tried forcing myself to find a way to be with him, but my heart isn't in it. I worry that in the name of self-protection I'm losing the one thing I've never had: someone who really, truly loves me.

Unfortunately, love does not always win personal battles. A person can love someone with all his/her heart and still choose to do things that will hurt the other. At this point though, the price of having his love is not trusting him. I've been concerned that at some point in our relationship he would leave me for someone else; it's possible that I took matters into my own hands and ended the relationship before he could get the chance to. I hope I made the right decision.

I'm tossing around the idea of writing a book--I've already got the title and premise in mind. If my tends-to-bore-easily Gemini self can stick with it, it could be really good, a book that I would pay to read.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Not exactly sure what to write about but I feel I must make some sort of contact with the blog so that the most recent post isn't about how badly I was feeling last week.

Tuesday was not a good day, but I've been feeling better each day since then. I'm feeling a renewed sense of interest in one of my big work projects, and although this next week is jam packed with appointments and meetings, I'm looking forward to the business. I'm a very task oriented person, so these things can be very good for me.

I found out that C left home the same day I did but didn't bother to tell me. The animals went without food for nearly 2 days. I can't even find the words to describe how wrong that was. Disrespecting me is one thing, but abusing animals by not feeding them is something entirely different. We communicated a bit via texting Thursday night and it was clear that C believes I'm wrong and is nowhere near prepared to apologize. I said that it is time for C to move out, and the response was "But I don't have a car, so I have to live there until I get one." I asked what living in my house has to do with not having a car, because my car is off limits until C does the things I wrote in Tuesday's note (sincerely apologize and agree to do the things I ask on the actual days that I ask them [as apposed to never or days later]). I haven't heard a word since. Can you believe it? The stubborness? it baffles me that C is that much against being a decent human being.

I spoke with C's father and he agreed that tough love is the only recourse. I was married to C's dad at this age, working, caring for a home, paying bills . . . one time we were almost without any food, and no one could or would help us. We struggled, but we survived. I don't wish that on anyone, especially my own child, but this flat out refusal to give me the respect I deserve has pushed me too far.

For now, the house is quiet, but I'm not completely relaxed because I know that at any moment C can call or walk in through the door and unravel the peace that currently (mostly) fills this house. It's sad to feel like this about your own flesh and blood. However, I've spent the past few years pulling back emotionally because I don't want to fall apart when C makes bad choices. I can't be concerned about C's safety, not at this point. I won't be walked on and disrespected. C will always have a home here, but it is no longer unconditional. There isn't a single human being I would allow to live in my home who treats me this way. C has been, but no longer is, the exception.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

I have sunk into a depressive state and am not doing well. I will not share everything that's going on in my head, not here or with anyone. Some thoughts must be heavily guarded . . .

I have lots of trouble with my child regarding selfishness, as bad or worse than what I imagine other parents experience. I reached my breaking point this morning, so I packed up my stuff and left. I am far too depressed to explain any of this right now, but I saw last night that C is no better than my anyone else in my family. I explained very kindly to C last night that it hurt my feeling when C didn't do anything to recognize my 40th birthday and Mother's Day (yep, both days). C's response? "Why would you tell me that? Now you made me feel bad. I already feel guilty but now you've hurt my feelings." Not only do I deal with C's lack of appreciation and respect, I now know that, like my family, it doesn't matter what someone does to me and how it makes me feel--what matters is that I keep my mouth shut or else I get punished.

I'm sorry, but fuck that! I am hurt and I am angry, so I packed up and left. Right now I'm sort of frozen and very tired (I believe that this type of fatigue is a coping mechanism that I acquired when I was 12-years-old and dealing with an abusive father), so I'm going to take a nap.

Right now, one of the things that's running in my head is to take my refund checks and just run. Leave the house (it's a rental) and everything in it, and just go. I don't feel there is very much here for me, not enough to counteract the pain anyway. I'm just so ready to go . . .

Friday, July 8, 2011

It's Friday!

I didn't eat any sweets at all yesterday, and almost no carbs. I went to sleep after 1a.m. but woke up just 6 hours later. I slept fairly well and have been pretty energetic all day. I've been thinking of peanut M&Ms all freakin' day though, but I'm avoiding them. I keep thinking of the next 20 lbs I want to lose and how the "I'll get back on track tomorrow" at some point has to start today. I have better paychecks coming so I'll be able to purchase smaller sized clothes, and I've got my food money today so I can purchase what's needed to get back fully on track with the low carb diet.

I've maintained a low level of stress all week, mostly because I've been focusing on the here-and-now instead of freaking out over everything else. I have yet to touch my paper, but I made my choices this week in addition to dealing with some serious fatigue, so I'm not upset. After I post this I'm going to attack this paper. I have a feeling it's not going to be difficult at all. The only real work I have is to redo some of the statistical analysis.

We discovered a FABULOUS wing restaurant last night, so I think we're going back tonight to pick up dinner and take them to a nearb lake where we can eat and then walk. It's GORGEOUS here today, and it's Friday, so I want to take advantage of it :-D

Love to all!

LL xoxo

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Need to Make Adjustments


I was stunned to say the least when I stepped on the scale yesterday. I've wandered from the rules of this diet quite a bit, but apparently the efforts that I HAVE made were still effective. Yay! This is giving me some momentum to keep moving forward. Only thing I don't understand is, why did my weightloss stall when I was being stricter with it? It was way too soon for a plateau . . .

This week has not started off very well. I'm stressed about earning a full paycheck because of having July 4th off (no holiday pay for students) and I'm freaking out about getting my final research paper completed before graduation. A and I took the week off, but it's a short week, and Tuesday and Wednesday were useless because I've been so tired. I actually was alseep before 10pm the past two nights. I've had mild headaches and have been absolutely exhausted. I have to wonder if this is because I've been indulging in carbs, particularly sugar (cold ice cream cones on hot, steamy days, oh yeah! LOL). I haven't had this many carbs at once since early April.

Let me clarify exhausted: A and I went on walks through the neighborhood Monday and Tuesday (he stopped by to pick something up Tuesday and since I was too tired to work I thought a walk would help--no such luck) and both times I was dead, really forcing myself to take the steps.

So let's recap: I'm getting enough sleep but have been eating sugary treats; I have headaches and am super exhausted all the time. I think it's time to give up the sweet treats and signigicantly pull back on the carbs. My guess is that within 2-3 days I'll be good as new.

As for my paper and work hours, I will just do the best I can. It looks like I may have to give up this weekend of free time to focus on getting this all done.

One day at a time, right? Works for everyone, every situation, not just alcoholism.

LL xoxo

Monday, July 4, 2011

One + One = Me!

The prior two posts are about how I've been working on myself to be happy, content, satisfied with myself and my life. I've let my family go, a tough choice, but one that led me to where I am now--giving myself permission to be human, to be simple, to be me. These two things have led me to so much more, all of which is taking place at my job.

I started a new campus job in January and little did I know just how much more beneficial it would be than just a paycheck. I don't even know where to begin, so I'll list it out:

  • My boss:
    • He compliments me all the time. He knows I don't take compliments well, so last week he explained why he does (because I'm a wonderful, intelligent employee, one of the best he's ever had).
    • He explained last week that I will be successful in anything I choose to do, because I am a hard worker, caring, and attentive to details. He said if I go on to get a PhD. that I will do very well. No one has ever, ever said these things to me. I've had a hard time with the compliments, but I'm listening now.
    • I'm learning so much academically, professionally and personally. I get one-on-one that other students don't get. I get opportunities to pick his brain. Last week I asked how he balances work and home and he admitted that it's still a struggle.
    • He involves me in meetings and projects that expand my experiences, knowledge and networking.
  • My main job:
    • It involves doing something that most students have to pay to learn (through a classroom setting), and I'm getting far more experience and time than I would in a classroom setting. 
    • I can take these new skills and start my own company.
    • My job introduces me to many new people through which I'm learning interviewing skills, listening skills and how to talk to older adults. This will benefit every area of my life, for the rest of my life.
    • The people I meet also touch me personally. I learn more about myself with every interview. Again, something that most students will never get to experience.
I am so happy to go every day. I love being there. I'm getting more from this job than most other jobs I've had. This is a catalyst to the rest of my life, and I'm taking full advantage of it. I am counting my blessings daily, hourly, for my very good fortune.

LL xoxo

Family Update

It's been a while since I've written about my feelings regarding my family. I've spent the past 3 months working through some interesting feelings which I think coincide with the stages of loss (anger, denial, etc. etc.). The day that I stood up to my sister had me on the brink of a panic attack. The next day I woke up feeling very good about life, free. This lasted for a few days. It was unexpected. It was during these days that I realized just how bad it has been for me, how controlling my mother and other family members have been of me. I realized that I truly had made the right choice.

Then one day I woke up angry. There was a fury in my head that I couldn't shake. I was not prepared for this, but I accepted it. Although surprised and caught off guard, I handled it well, mostly because I didn't fight it but rolled with it.

I've also had days when I would wonder what was going on in the lives of my family members. I'd look them up on Facebook to see what, if anything, they had posted. It didn't make me feel better, but I believe that it served a specific purpose--it gave me the opportunity to sort of transition them out of my life. It's always hard to quit something cold turkey, especially people.

I've just now stopped being curious. I no longer care that they are outwardly loving to one another. I no longer think about the cost of it to me. I've stopped wanting to pick up the phone to call my mother (a habit from times when I'd be in the car and wanting to chat with someone). I have imagined what I'd say to my other sister if she ever contacts me and asks why I've done this. Until recently, I've imagined that I'd respond with hurt and anger, both verbally and emotionally. This week I imagined it very differently, that I would be calm, honest and distant. I see that I'm coming through this ugly thing to a peaceful place where I'm happy to be.

LL xoxo

Rebuilding from My Foundation Up

253 (17 lbs lost)

I've spent the past week really focusing on managing my time better and cutting myself a LOT of slack. I sort of let go of just about everything in an effort to strip it all down to the bare bones to start rebuilding myself. My first priority was to repair my foundation--sleep. I did my (almost) best to be in bed by midnight each night, regardless of any excuse I could make otherwise. One night I was standing at the kitchen sink filling it with soapy water for a needy stack of dishes. It was midnight. I initially felt bad about myself because a) I should have done them sooner rather than veg on the couch, and b) I "had" to do some housework before bed, therefore I'd be up late again, therefore this is my punishment for vegging on the couch. I then suddenly decided that the dishes could wait while I could not, so I walked away and went to bed. I haven't regretted that choice.

Each day I've arrived at work between 8a and 9a and I've stayed for a full 8 hours; no going home early with the lie that I will do more work at home. Working at home, well, it doesn't work for me. Too many distractions, real and self-made. Doing this meant that I was free each night to do what I wanted, and what I did each night was veg on the couch, guilt free. I needed this. Mentally and emotionally I needed to experience giving myself permission to let go and to not chastise myself about it later. There wasn't one night that I felt guilty, and that is huge.

I spent about an hour or so one evening cleaning the kitchen--washing dishes, cleaning out the fridge and scrubbing the stove. I typically would freak out because, rather than focus on what I was doing, I would instead think about alllll the other things that needed my attention. I would then kick myself into high gear with the thought that "My gosh, I've got so much to do and so little time. I HAVE to move fast and bust my tail!" Again, more punishment. This time, however, I continually reminded myself to focus on all that I WAS doing and getting done. I reminded myself that I am one person and I'm doing a great job. I thought about how I would praise someone like me for doing such a great job and how impressed I would be by this person. I also thought that no one was watching me, therefore no one was judging me. I finally let it all go, and I went to bed with a clean kitchen (this too was a huge mental change, from thinking of all that I had NOT done to thinking of what I HAD accomplished).

I also accepted that I haven't lost more weight than I have at this point, and I also accepted that we are in a financial bind at the moment with barely any money for food (it's OK, we're not starving) and that I couldn't afford my diet right now. So you know what? I ate a banana. That's right, sugary banana, only allowed in small doses. I have no idea how many carbs I've eaten, but I've avoided them as much as a) possible and b) my will would allow. I enjoyed biscuits and gravy a couple of times as well as some sweet treats. Apparently I haven't done too badly because my weight is lower than it was last time I braved the scale.

Finally, I have decided that, for the time being, I'm not going to make lots of plans or schedule my life to death (hmm, life to death, sounds odd ya?). Instead I'm really focusing on one day at a time, one task at a time. I've spent the past decade constantly thinking about what's to come and it has really messed me up. I can't slow down if I'm constantly running to catch up.

So what are my plans for the week? Well, I HAVE to get my paper done so that I can defend it before graduation (which is in 4 weeks!!), so I told A that I can't see him for a few days. I will continue going to bed at midnight, taking care of what I can/want to before then. I'm going to do what I can to avoid  sweets cuz I'm craving them now LOL. I will return to my diet as much as possible. As for exercise? I don't know. That is something I will take a day at a time. Probably won't this week, but if I feel like it, I will.

LL xoxo