Monday, July 4, 2011

Family Update

It's been a while since I've written about my feelings regarding my family. I've spent the past 3 months working through some interesting feelings which I think coincide with the stages of loss (anger, denial, etc. etc.). The day that I stood up to my sister had me on the brink of a panic attack. The next day I woke up feeling very good about life, free. This lasted for a few days. It was unexpected. It was during these days that I realized just how bad it has been for me, how controlling my mother and other family members have been of me. I realized that I truly had made the right choice.

Then one day I woke up angry. There was a fury in my head that I couldn't shake. I was not prepared for this, but I accepted it. Although surprised and caught off guard, I handled it well, mostly because I didn't fight it but rolled with it.

I've also had days when I would wonder what was going on in the lives of my family members. I'd look them up on Facebook to see what, if anything, they had posted. It didn't make me feel better, but I believe that it served a specific purpose--it gave me the opportunity to sort of transition them out of my life. It's always hard to quit something cold turkey, especially people.

I've just now stopped being curious. I no longer care that they are outwardly loving to one another. I no longer think about the cost of it to me. I've stopped wanting to pick up the phone to call my mother (a habit from times when I'd be in the car and wanting to chat with someone). I have imagined what I'd say to my other sister if she ever contacts me and asks why I've done this. Until recently, I've imagined that I'd respond with hurt and anger, both verbally and emotionally. This week I imagined it very differently, that I would be calm, honest and distant. I see that I'm coming through this ugly thing to a peaceful place where I'm happy to be.

LL xoxo

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