Livin' Large

Things are getting better in some ways and worse in others, and of course the "worse" wins in the emotional tug-of-war. My fiance broke my trust again and I didn't see him for several days while I thought through the possibility of this relationship surviving. I told him that we've been together too long for this to still be an issue, and that we should be focusing and working on other things than this in preparation for our marriage. I've taken on a lot to be with him, compromising and settling in many ways. I did this all in the name of companionship and love.

I've never seen him so upset. It was like the reality of his choices really hit him in a way I've never seen. It hurts me to see him this way. For the past 14 hours I've tried forcing myself to find a way to be with him, but my heart isn't in it. I worry that in the name of self-protection I'm losing the one thing I've never had: someone who really, truly loves me.

Unfortunately, love does not always win personal battles. A person can love someone with all his/her heart and still choose to do things that will hurt the other. At this point though, the price of having his love is not trusting him. I've been concerned that at some point in our relationship he would leave me for someone else; it's possible that I took matters into my own hands and ended the relationship before he could get the chance to. I hope I made the right decision.

I'm tossing around the idea of writing a book--I've already got the title and premise in mind. If my tends-to-bore-easily Gemini self can stick with it, it could be really good, a book that I would pay to read.