Livin' Large

I have sunk into a depressive state and am not doing well. I will not share everything that's going on in my head, not here or with anyone. Some thoughts must be heavily guarded . . .

I have lots of trouble with my child regarding selfishness, as bad or worse than what I imagine other parents experience. I reached my breaking point this morning, so I packed up my stuff and left. I am far too depressed to explain any of this right now, but I saw last night that C is no better than my anyone else in my family. I explained very kindly to C last night that it hurt my feeling when C didn't do anything to recognize my 40th birthday and Mother's Day (yep, both days). C's response? "Why would you tell me that? Now you made me feel bad. I already feel guilty but now you've hurt my feelings." Not only do I deal with C's lack of appreciation and respect, I now know that, like my family, it doesn't matter what someone does to me and how it makes me feel--what matters is that I keep my mouth shut or else I get punished.

I'm sorry, but fuck that! I am hurt and I am angry, so I packed up and left. Right now I'm sort of frozen and very tired (I believe that this type of fatigue is a coping mechanism that I acquired when I was 12-years-old and dealing with an abusive father), so I'm going to take a nap.

Right now, one of the things that's running in my head is to take my refund checks and just run. Leave the house (it's a rental) and everything in it, and just go. I don't feel there is very much here for me, not enough to counteract the pain anyway. I'm just so ready to go . . .