I've spent the past week really focusing on managing my time better and cutting myself a LOT of slack. I sort of let go of just about everything in an effort to strip it all down to the bare bones to start rebuilding myself. My first priority was to repair my foundation--sleep. I did my (almost) best to be in bed by midnight each night, regardless of any excuse I could make otherwise. One night I was standing at the kitchen sink filling it with soapy water for a needy stack of dishes. It was midnight. I initially felt bad about myself because a) I should have done them sooner rather than veg on the couch, and b) I "had" to do some housework before bed, therefore I'd be up late again, therefore this is my punishment for vegging on the couch. I then suddenly decided that the dishes could wait while I could not, so I walked away and went to bed. I haven't regretted that choice.
Each day I've arrived at work between 8a and 9a and I've stayed for a full 8 hours; no going home early with the lie that I will do more work at home. Working at home, well, it doesn't work for me. Too many distractions, real and self-made. Doing this meant that I was free each night to do what I wanted, and what I did each night was veg on the couch, guilt free. I needed this. Mentally and emotionally I needed to experience giving myself permission to let go and to not chastise myself about it later. There wasn't one night that I felt guilty, and that is huge.
I spent about an hour or so one evening cleaning the kitchen--washing dishes, cleaning out the fridge and scrubbing the stove. I typically would freak out because, rather than focus on what I was doing, I would instead think about alllll the other things that needed my attention. I would then kick myself into high gear with the thought that "My gosh, I've got so much to do and so little time. I HAVE to move fast and bust my tail!" Again, more punishment. This time, however, I continually reminded myself to focus on all that I WAS doing and getting done. I reminded myself that I am one person and I'm doing a great job. I thought about how I would praise someone like me for doing such a great job and how impressed I would be by this person. I also thought that no one was watching me, therefore no one was judging me. I finally let it all go, and I went to bed with a clean kitchen (this too was a huge mental change, from thinking of all that I had NOT done to thinking of what I HAD accomplished).
I also accepted that I haven't lost more weight than I have at this point, and I also accepted that we are in a financial bind at the moment with barely any money for food (it's OK, we're not starving) and that I couldn't afford my diet right now. So you know what? I ate a banana. That's right, sugary banana, only allowed in small doses. I have no idea how many carbs I've eaten, but I've avoided them as much as a) possible and b) my will would allow. I enjoyed biscuits and gravy a couple of times as well as some sweet treats. Apparently I haven't done too badly because my weight is lower than it was last time I braved the scale.
Finally, I have decided that, for the time being, I'm not going to make lots of plans or schedule my life to death (hmm, life to death, sounds odd ya?). Instead I'm really focusing on one day at a time, one task at a time. I've spent the past decade constantly thinking about what's to come and it has really messed me up. I can't slow down if I'm constantly running to catch up.
So what are my plans for the week? Well, I HAVE to get my paper done so that I can defend it before graduation (which is in 4 weeks!!), so I told A that I can't see him for a few days. I will continue going to bed at midnight, taking care of what I can/want to before then. I'm going to do what I can to avoid sweets cuz I'm craving them now LOL. I will return to my diet as much as possible. As for exercise? I don't know. That is something I will take a day at a time. Probably won't this week, but if I feel like it, I will.
LL xoxo
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