Where to go next

My disappointment in myself (a.k.a. lack of weight loss) has kept me from blogging, but it's the day after Christmas and I'm feeling a renewed sense of self, so here I am.

There have been a few times in my life when I was able to diet and exercise to a point of losing quite a bit of weight. The key factor in each of those was that my life followed a set schedule, one in which I could easily plan for working out a few days a week. The first time was when my child started prexchool at the local YMCA. I would take the little one to the top floor for a few hours of play time and education, and I would head to the basement to exercise. It was great! I then supplemented this with step aerobics at home when I felt the urge to jump around when she wasn't in preschool.

The next time in my life was when she started at a different preschool and I was a nanny for other children her age. After taking everyone to their respective preschools, I would head to my neighborhood community center to exercise. I then went home (we had moved back in to my mom's where my brother also lived) to a quiet, empty house to spend an hour pampering myself. I'd crank up my music, shower, curl my hair, and dance. At noon I'd pick up the kiddies and start the second half of my day in very good spirits.

The third time was a few years later. I'd drop my child off at school and then head to campus where I worked and studied. Arriving a couple hours before my first class, I'd head to the gym to work out and then take time to shower. It was great. The rest of the day was filled with energy and a strong, positive mood that was useful for all the things I was juggling.

The one reason I'd stop, every time, is because I'd start a relationship and give up myself to the new man. However, the second time (as listed above) I was already in a relationship, and I felt myself drawing away from him. I felt so good about myself (exercise does wonders for my mood) that I started to not care about the relationship based on the fact that he wasn't giving me what I needed; I felt myself pulling away from him. When I realized this, that I no longer cared about being with him, it scared me to death, and I gave up working out so I could refocus on keeping him near me. Which brings me to a much deeper problem, how I find myself in relation to my relationships. There isn't one relationship that I've had, since childhood on, that hasn't proven to be highly conditional. This applies to parents, a grand-parent and siblings. Even when I've done nothing wrong except break the dysfunctional rules laid down by the other person (e.g. refuse to keep lying in order to even have a relationship), even when I've played their games to the best of my ability, every relationship has turned on me. So I guess it makes sense that the only time I could feel good enough about myself to focus on my health is when I've been single.

I've been in a difficult relationship for over 2 years now. Because he has done a LOT of work on himself, it is much better than it was, but I still find it impossible to let go and get lost in the zone that is necessary for dedicated weight-loss. Between that and my absolutely insane schedule, which doesn't allow for regular workouts, I just don't know what I'm going to do.

To be continued ...

Gettin On Track

260.6

Howdy!

I took a couple days off because, believe it or not, writing this blog actually takes a bit of time and ends up taking me away from schoolwork. I've had a rough time this week. I've been home every day but have found it hard to stay focused on the oh-so-many tasks at hand. Monday I was able to finish the 20-page paper that took far longer than I expected--12 days! The good thing about it is that I used the same paper for two classes (the professors were aware of this). Today I was VERY focused and worked ALL DAY on assignments for one class. I just finished it all and am totally done with this course. YAY!!

As for eating and exercise, as you know I've been watching The Biggest Loser Season 10. At the start of the season half of the contestants had to compete in a 500-step challenge using a stepper (as in step aerobics). It was really hard for them and I was wondering if this li'l couch potato could do it. I have a step that I used to use regularly, so I brought the cob-webby thing up from the basement and went to work. It was hard but I did it without any trouble.

I've been very sore the past two days but I didn't exercise. That's not good. It doesn't do a thing to just exercise once every three months, so this morning I did it again--500 steps. This time I added arm movements to about half of the steps. I'm already starting to feel better and I honestly wish I could've done it again tonight, but I decided to work instead.

I've been making better choices with food too. For one, I'm doing my best not to overeat. Monday night I met my man at Subway. The sandwich wasn't very healthy but I went for the baked chips and iced tea to reduce calories (I realized later that the chips did nothing for me, so I think I'll pass next time). I ordered a foot-long because I was starving, but I didn't eat the whole thing. I saved some for lunch the next day. Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to NOT finish really tasty food? That was a big step for me.

Additionally I've started tracking what I eat with the notepad on my phone. I'll add them to my food log on http://www.fitday.com/ when I get some time.

So I weighed myself and I'm 260.6. After my shower I took a hand mirror and held it to my right to see the profile of my body. My abdomen is huge and is further out than my chest. This isn't just my stomache, this is my entire abdomen. What's odd is that it's the uppoer part that is so far out. The lower "gut" part is not sticking out as far. I tried sucking it in and it barely made a difference. I didn't feel badly though, wich is great. I did it so that I can face my body for the first time in a very long time. The only mirror I have is the medicine cabinet mirror and the hand mirror, so I never see below by shoulders. Doing this little exercise simply reinforced why I'm making changes.

As for my mood and focus ... Monday was good, Tuesday was pretty good (got up earlier than normal but I avoided work and just played online most of the day), but yesterday was not good. I woke up and was exhausted physically and mentally. I'm sure it would've been legit to take the entire day off but I can' afford that at this point. I sat and watched t.v. and played online for hours. I got up at 8a.m. and didn't start working until 2p.m. Terrible, I know. Of course as soon as I started I got a call from my child that a tire had blown on the highway. I had to go and change it (I was within a few feet of cars wizzing past me ... I felt kinda brave for doing this) and when I got back I made something to eat cuz my child had to go to work. I did just a few minutes of work before my man came and got me at 6:30 to go to the store. I hadn't changed out of my bed clothes (which are regular clothes I wouldn't be caught dead in out of the house) all day (not even when I changed the tire) and I was embarrassed. I washed my face and brushed my teeth and changed my clothes but that was all. My hair was not clean and I hadn't showered. We went to the store and had dinner. I started doing more work while he was still here and later continued working until 2a.m. It was past the time I should've gone to bed, but I had started the day wanting to accomplish this one thing, so I pushed myself until it was done.

I felt so good about this that I started off today feeling much more dedicated. I got up at 9a.m., did the dishes, straightened the house, had breakfast and exercised. Then I got to work. I was distracted for a bit by talking with a friend online but I didn't avoid the work for long. I started working at about 1p.m. or so and I didn't stop except to eat until 11p.m. Ten hours of work time is not bad at all. It's about what I want to accomplish at this point in the semester, so I'm really proud of myself.

So tomorrow I plan on doing it all over again: dishes, straightening, breakfast and exercise, then work.

I can't wait!!

Day 1, Part II: Today's issue

Lately I've been afraid to step on the scale, but today I felt lighter and able to suck in my belly more than I could last week (oh last week, the monthly visit). I've been in a rather positive mood as well which is of utmost necessity when facing scary high numbers. My weight bothers me but I've come to terms with it, however, unless ready to make changes, knowing my actual weight will do nothing but make me feel sad and frustrated.

So I did it. I got on the scale. Twice (just to be sure). 261.6 lbs. The most I've ever weighed. Recently two people told me that I've been losing weight, but I guess it just shifted around a bit while collecting more friends (a.k.a. fat globules) because I'm 5 lbs heavier than I was a few months ago. BUT, because I stuck to my rule of facing the scale only when in a positive mood, I'm OK with it. I've started feeling not-so-good when I eat sugar and fried food, and have been craving clean food. This morning I ate a plate of fruit for breakfast. I NEVER do that!! But I loved it.

Much has happened through the course of my life to make food an addiction, and much has happened in the past few months (and past few weeks) to give me the strength to let go of it. While I've desperately asked, "Can't we all just get along?" of certain people in my life, recent events have shown me that no, we cannot. Although I'm still in the process of accepting the things I cannot change (thank you Pre-Alateen), I've started changing what I can--me! I've effectively removed myself greatly from one person's life, and the strength I have from that one step has made me stronger all around. Yay!!

My life is crazy; plans hardly ever work out and often I am suddenly faced with an event that demands immediate attention (broken down cars, child who needs helps, a loved one gets hurts, court cases, financial woes, etc.). I tried to start a workout program last May, but I only made it to the gym twice. TWICE!! You have no idea how mad I was that life was actually preventing me from taking care of myself! But now things have eased up significantly and I'm no longer spending hours at a time on the couch (with plates of food on my lap) in retreat from all the chaos surrounding me.

Wish me luck though cuz I'm sure gonna need it.

LL :-)