Where to Go Now?

low-to-mid 250s

As I stated in my last post, I've been frustrated lately with my inability to manage my life. Even though I'm quick to share internal feelings with friends, I typically work things out internally, letting my thoughts simmer over a few days or weeks until I've had the chance to look at all the options and possible solutions. Unfortunately it didn't work for me this time, so I just sort of gave up; not in a defeatist way, but in a let-it-all-go way. I can see now that it's exactly what I needed.

A and I went to Branson for a few days of R&R, our first getaway in 18 months; our first getaway alone in nearly 2 years. I slept like a log, a LOG I tell ya, all three nights. I was in bed before midnight each night and almost immediately sank into a deep sleep. No drifting or slipping off gently to a sweet slumber. I crashed, hard, each night, and when I woke up, I was awake and ready to go. A said I snored which is a sign of how exhausted I've been. There are many signs that one has become an adult, and one of them is when one uses vacation time to do nothing in order to get the rest they don't get at home (whereas younger folks don't sit still).

So as of this moment I've kicked the insomnia I've suffered for the past couple of months. My mind is clear (not racing with thoughts of everything I'm NOT doing) and I'm completely calm and relaxed. I feel absolutely nothing pressing on me, and it's wonderful.

As for my diet, there wasn't a carb I said no to, and I don't regret it. My diet has been an added stress, mostly because it's so strict. Unlike a low-cal diet where you can indulge for a meal or a day without serious repercussions, I've found that the low-carb diet is much less forgiving. If I eat pizza for dinner, it'll be a full week before I see more weight come off. It sucks! It's not realistic. It's summertime and it's hot, and I'd like to have a scoop of low-sugar ice cream from my favorite family-owned frozen custard shop every so often, but no chance if I want to see the numbers on the scale continue decreasing.

Here's the thing--I've lost weight before with no trouble by doing low-cal/low-fat. It was super easy too because I could pack premade granola bars in my bag for on-the-go snacks, have low-cal popcorn while watching a movie, etc. Problem is, I've mentally bought into the low-carb diet, so I'm not sure what to do. Actually, I am sure. I'll have to adjust my diet to fit my lifestyle. I can still stay away from bread, white pasta, white potatoes and processed food, but I shouldn't feel guilty about eating a banana (a SUPER easy take-along snack) or some popsorn.

So that is what I'm doing this week--I'm going to take it a day at a time and figure out the best way I can do this. I am tired, and I am tired of constantly reading, planning, running, preparing and scheduling every little detail of my life, especially my food.

No Title for this Post ;-)

I find that that blogging has become a source of support for me, whether anyone is reading or not. The past few weeks have been a bit challenging as far as sticking to the diet is concerned. I've also been feeling so good about the weight I've lost that I'm surprised when I look in the mirror and still see an overweight woman. Huh? I can pull my pants off without unzipping them so clearly my bum is shrinking, so why do I still look like this? That may be confusing to read so let me clarify that I'm not upset about how I look, it's that I feel really great. Mostly anyway LOL.

The newness has worn off. I was excited about the new meals I was making, the changes to my diet, and I thought the time-consuming aspect of researching, planning and making meals would go away. Because the excitement has worn off, so has the drive to put so much effort into this. Unfortunately this is reflected by the numbers on the scale. I have not gained any back because for the most part I've stuck to the plan. For that I'm very happy. However, I need to lose weight at this point, not maintain. Therefore, I need to accept that the hard work of losing weight. I thought that "hard work" meant I'd have to make sacrifices, put in the time at the gym and spend more time cooking (and thus cleaning). But in order to be successful I have to continue finding new recipes, and planning meals and snacks a week at a time. of course the other challenge is doing this on about $5 a day. *sigh*

Tomorrow I will put together a plan for the week, hopefully without having to buy too much stuff from the store.

Also, I've been craving exercise all week but haven't indulged once, and I'm not really sure why. Last Sunday I actually jogged on the treadmill, and since then I've been thinking about how good it feels to move and and use my body in ways that I used to do every day as a kid. It's not normal for me to do things I want, only things that I have to do, so maybe that is the issue here. If I have to exercise, I will, but if I want to, I deny myself because it's all I know how to do--but that's a different topic for a different day.

So in addition to preparing my meal plan for the week, I'm going to treat myself to a trip to the gym. Right after I treat myself to a discount morning movie, at an actual movie theater, something I haven't done in months.

Also, I've relisted my summer goals--which are also rewards--as a reminder of some of the things I'm working toward.

LL xoxo

• Attend an outdoor theatre show
• Attend an off-broadway show 
• Take two out-of-town trips
• Do a bit of yard work
• Spend some time with friends 
• Read

The Incredible Shrinking Woman!

255.6 and going!

I really look forward to mornings now because it means I get to step on the scale, which now is usually a great start to the day. It reflects my efforts in the prior days which motivates me to continue with those efforts.

A took me to dinner last night using a Groupon he had for a new sandwich shop. I was very concerned because a lot of times the salads at these places are tiny and seriously lacking substance and flavor. Lucky me they had a gyro salad, two sizes, so I gobbled down the large and was quite satisfied.

After dinner we walked around a part of a lake that is very popular in this area. It was just a leisurely 1.7 mile stroll but the alternative was to sit on the couch. We both wanted to get outdoors too, so this was terrific. There are nearly 10 miles of paths around this lake, and we took part of one that neither of us had been on before (turns out we've only touched on the same 2 miles our entire lives) so it felt like a vacation. We saw a bog and imagined we were in Florida swamplands, then walked near a very tall highway bridge that was so surreal we felt like a T Rex might come around one of the legs at any minute! It was fun, relaxing, creative and fun.

The milestone goal I'm working toward right now is 245 by June 23, 20 days from today. It is possible but I think I'll miss it by a couple of pounds. I am more than O.K. with this because hey, I will be in the 240's during this time, more than 20 pounds lighter than when I started this. I am so excited!! I'll get to do some shopping for better fitting clothes then too :-D

That's all for now. Hope all are well.

LL xoxo

Gettin' Bored but Pushing Through

Not sure what I weigh today. The scale is still at 256.2 but I'm retaining water; can't WAIT to see those lower numbers!

I've been tempted to eat some off limit carbs like cake and french fries, but I pushed past the temptations each time. I've really got it in my head and heart that I have goals I want to reach. At 2-lbs per week (a modest rate for me), I would be 233 when school starts up again (a total weight loss of 37 lbs). If I do more I could dip into the 220's. By the holiday break I'd be below, maybe well below, 200. It has been more than 10 years since I've weighed less than 200.

So anyhow, I'm bored and tired of all the preplanning, shopping, preparation that takes place even before a workday morning when I have to figure out what to eat all day. A few weeks ago. However, in spite of feeling this way, I'm determined to stick to it. I've hovered at the same weight for about 3 weeks now because I indulged (which I do not regret) so I'm determined to get this moving again.

Any suggestions? My biggest thing is being excited about food, which I'm not right now. I don't even want to eat but as I explained in an earlier post, skipping meals leads to pigging out on lots of bad carbs, so for this reason alone I'm forcing myself to eat.

I'm tired today too, so I'll end here. I hope all are well.

LL xoxo

Mmm Hmm

Milestone Goal: Vacation, June 23, 245 (11lbs & 23 days to go)

Before bed last night I wrote how I typically don't take a 2-lb weight gain too seriously because I tend to retain water, etc. So a day or two ago I weighed 259. It sucked, I won't lie, but the day before I weighed 257. Today however I weigh 256. Yeah that's right, I've finally broken through the 257 mark! And it's gonna keep getting better because a) I'm still retaining water, and b) it's that time. So yeah, it's all good.

LL xoxo

Well That's a Relief

Every so often I see my weight jump up about 2 lbs in one day and stick around. I typically cut myself some slack because a) 2 lbs isn't a big deal, and b) the body does what it does. But I have to say, women have one bit of relief that men don't when this happens: the wonderful monthly visitor. :-) Days like today when this turns out to be the case, I jump for joy (figuratively; read yesterday's post), not just because I know where those 2 extra pounds came from, but also because I will see a nice little reduction on the scale in about 5-7 days.
So unless I dip below 257, I'm not going to post my weight until next week. Here's to hoping for a loooow number!

Can you say "Out of Shape?"

Instead of heading indoors to a fitness center, A and I decided to take it outdoors by walking through one of the city parks. Fate was definitely involved as we quickly came upon a workout station (the first of several) and I literally jumped right in to the challenges.

The first one was a row of 6x6's and the challenge was to hop over each one, preferably without stopping. Well, I didn't realize until I tried this that, hey, I don't jump! Not anymore. It was really hard, but I did it, one at a time. A was able to do them faster but he also weighs 90 lbs less. We took a walk around the neighborhood later after dinner and I jumped over a few curbs. It was amazing that just one jump increased my heart rate.

The other stations were for leg lifts (yeah, right, did 2 or 3), step-ups (like what we do with step aerobics; each post was a different height though, so it progressively got harder), and a couple of arm exercises. A and I were a bit worn out when we finished. Even though I did very little, what I was diong was a LOT for me. There is an ache in my arms today, so what does that tell ya? I am waaay out of shape.

It also tells me that walking on the treadmill is only going to do so much. I want to get strong and sculpt my body a bit, and this will take resistant training (which I loathe).

That's all for now. Gonna keep it short and sweet for once LOL Hope all are well.

LL xoxo

Psghetti Squash and Chicken Salad

As promised, here are a couple of low/no-carb recipes. The recipes in this post come from Allrecipes, my most favorite recipe site. Not only can you look up recipes (what I did for the chicken salad), you can search for recipes containing certain ingredients (which is what I did with the spaghetti squash). I HIGHLY recommend that you check this site out. To make this even better, users like you and me are able to upload recipes, and every recipe has numerous user reviews which is great because folks recommend changes they've made and what they liked best and worst about the recipes, so by the time you make it it's almost foolproof.

--> Clicking on the names of the recipes will link you to the actual recipe on Allrecipes.
Can you handle it? Can you handle all this yummy goodness?! :-D

BAKED SPAGHETTI SQUASH WITH BEEF AND VEGGIES

that's spaghetti squash in the bowl. Not shown here are the cooked ground beef, onions and green pepper. Every ingredient is fresh aside from the dried herbs and spices and cheese.

I sauteed a diced green pepper, half an onion and garlic in olive oil.

Then I mixed everything together (herbs and spices, onion, green pepper, beef, diced tomatoes and cheese), transferred to a greased baking dish for 20 minutes and Voila! A pasta-free Italian casserole!

It doesn't look very appetizing in the picture, but a young friend of the family devoured his share. One thing I'd recommend from the original recipe is to double the seasonings for more flavor; the current measurements make it a bit bland. On the other hand, I was able to enjoy the full flavor of the veggies since there wasn't a sauce or tons of seasonings to cover them up.

THE BEST CHICKEN SALAD EVER!!

I had never made chicken salad at home but instead always purchased it from the deli of local grocery stores. Love that deli chicken salad. But one night I decided I'd try it myself, so off to Allrecipes I went and found a recipe that 161 users had given 5 out of 5 stars and nearly 13,000 people had saved to their Allrecipes recipe boxes. The key to this is the use of dried onion. The recipe calls for minced onion but I use onion powder. Wowee is all I can say!

We mixed the seasonings with the mayo in this bowl, then added cubed chicken that I had boiled while working on another dish. I cooked up some turkey bacon, and threw that in too.  I didn't have water chestnuts or celery, but it didn't matter. Since this was intended for low-carb, we just ate it like a side-dish. It could also work in lettuce wraps.

So this was dinner. Might seem sort of odd, but what I'm finding is that there are no rules, especially when removing a key item from traditional American meals (the starch). The hands-down winner was the chicken salad, everyone agreed, but we all really enjoyed the casserole too.

Give these a try and let me know what you think! :-)

Refocusing

Milestone Goal: Vacation, June 23, 245 (currently 257)

I've decided that instead of showing my current weight and weight loss, I'm going to list my next milestone goal, which will help me stay on track.

I seem to have lost my focus and have been finding exceptions for not following the plan. It's sort of weird how I am--I don't want to have a strict schedule, but if I don't have some sort of schedule there almost always are negative consequences. I am the type of person who likes to be busy but needs downtime so that I don't get overwhelmed. Right now I am lacking direction and have spent the past 1-2 weeks sort of flying by the seat of my pants, as they say. The result is that I feel very disorganized and that many things are suffering because of it.

I think part of the problem is that I'm still afraid of becoming overwhelmed. I have a history of either taking on too much or simply having too much to handle, both of which lead me to falling aprt and I hate that feeling. I'm also concerned about being to rigid with my schedule, but I really shouldn't because everyone who knows me understands and is perfectly fine with it. They know I have a busy life, and right now they all know how important it is for me to lose weight. What I need to do is regroup. In the past two weeks I've only lost a pound. I was O.K. with it last week, but not now.

My chaotic schedule is getting in the way of me taking the time necessary to plan and prepare meals and snacks. I'm going too long in between eating which has led to making bad meal choices. I'm bored with the quick meals and snacks because there isn't any variety. I like to read in bed but I've been going to bed much too late and therefore I haven't checked out any new recipes to try. I don't even look forward to eating at home right now.

So the first thing I need to do is remind myself why I'm doing this. I made a list of milestone goals recently so I'm going to start focusing on each one as it comes in order to stay on track. My next goal is 4 weeks from today when me and A go on vacation. I am 14 lbs away from that goal so I already know I won't make it because the most I have ever lost is 3 lbs per week. However, if I modify it to reflect the fact that I was 2 lbs from making my last milestone goal, the adjustment would put me right on target.

I also need to spend less time on the computer. I'm sure I have some sort of mild addiction because once I'm on I don't want to get off. Almost every morning I spend an hour or more doing nothing of value. That has to stop.

Additionally, I have so many things to do in the morning that lately I've just stopped doing them. When this happens, I don't go to work or I go late. I have work I can do from home but instead I avoid it (and all other responsibilities) when I waste time online.

I've written about what hasn't been working, so here is what I will do to make it all start working again:

• Prepare for my day the night before to ease the burden of a busy morning. Start doing this at 9p so that I can . . .
• . . . be in bed by 10p to get enough rest--the best start to any day
• Plan my menu for the week and put a printout of it in the kitchen.
• Exercise three times a week. In between trips to the fitness center, do a few exercises at home, such as crunches and squats.

I looked back and found my Goals for the Summer, and I need to be reminded of what they are:

• Attend "Bye Bye Birdie," the last show of the summer, at the Muny.
• Attend a show at the Fox Theater.
• Take two out-of-town trips.
• Do a bit of yard work.
• Spend some time with friends.

Wish me luck!

LL xoxo

Where to go next

My disappointment in myself (a.k.a. lack of weight loss) has kept me from blogging, but it's the day after Christmas and I'm feeling a renewed sense of self, so here I am.

There have been a few times in my life when I was able to diet and exercise to a point of losing quite a bit of weight. The key factor in each of those was that my life followed a set schedule, one in which I could easily plan for working out a few days a week. The first time was when my child started prexchool at the local YMCA. I would take the little one to the top floor for a few hours of play time and education, and I would head to the basement to exercise. It was great! I then supplemented this with step aerobics at home when I felt the urge to jump around when she wasn't in preschool.

The next time in my life was when she started at a different preschool and I was a nanny for other children her age. After taking everyone to their respective preschools, I would head to my neighborhood community center to exercise. I then went home (we had moved back in to my mom's where my brother also lived) to a quiet, empty house to spend an hour pampering myself. I'd crank up my music, shower, curl my hair, and dance. At noon I'd pick up the kiddies and start the second half of my day in very good spirits.

The third time was a few years later. I'd drop my child off at school and then head to campus where I worked and studied. Arriving a couple hours before my first class, I'd head to the gym to work out and then take time to shower. It was great. The rest of the day was filled with energy and a strong, positive mood that was useful for all the things I was juggling.

The one reason I'd stop, every time, is because I'd start a relationship and give up myself to the new man. However, the second time (as listed above) I was already in a relationship, and I felt myself drawing away from him. I felt so good about myself (exercise does wonders for my mood) that I started to not care about the relationship based on the fact that he wasn't giving me what I needed; I felt myself pulling away from him. When I realized this, that I no longer cared about being with him, it scared me to death, and I gave up working out so I could refocus on keeping him near me. Which brings me to a much deeper problem, how I find myself in relation to my relationships. There isn't one relationship that I've had, since childhood on, that hasn't proven to be highly conditional. This applies to parents, a grand-parent and siblings. Even when I've done nothing wrong except break the dysfunctional rules laid down by the other person (e.g. refuse to keep lying in order to even have a relationship), even when I've played their games to the best of my ability, every relationship has turned on me. So I guess it makes sense that the only time I could feel good enough about myself to focus on my health is when I've been single.

I've been in a difficult relationship for over 2 years now. Because he has done a LOT of work on himself, it is much better than it was, but I still find it impossible to let go and get lost in the zone that is necessary for dedicated weight-loss. Between that and my absolutely insane schedule, which doesn't allow for regular workouts, I just don't know what I'm going to do.

To be continued ...

Here I go again

261.2 (+2.2)

Frustrated. I've been hovering just above 260 for a while and anytime I dip below into the 250s it's only for a day. I have not eaten perfectly but I don't think I did so badly as to deserve a 2.2 lb. gain. :-(

I sat in bed last night with my book "The Beck Diet Solution" which consists of an daily to-do item for 30 days, each item taking the unhealthy eater closer to a permanent lifestyle change. The first step is to write down on a card the advantages of weight loss and healthy eating. This is to be kept in my wallet and read several times a day to remind me why I'm choosing to pass on the sweets and fried food. Many things I thought of really touched me, like wanting to be able to reach my feet. I have a hard time putting on socks and tennis shoes, and I can't even come close to doing my own pedicures.

So I'm committing myself to eat better, but honestly, I'm at work right now and I forgot my healthy lunch, so I have to go to the cafeteria. I already know that I'm going to get the chicken strips. They are fabulous and I haven't had them in weeks since I've been working from home so much. But, tonight I'm going to eat healthy. My man is staying the weekend with me and he's going to make burgers and fries, but I'm going to have a baked sweet potato (so yummy!) and a salad. That really sounds good to me whereas the burger and fries do not. Again, it's not perfection, but 3 chicken strips truly should not make that much of a difference. When I've lost weight before I allowed myself to enjoy small portions of less-than-healthy food.

LL xoxo

I did it!!

259.0

Hiya!

I am pretty thrilled about losing 2.6 lbs this week. I'm not going to say that I did nothing, but I didn't do too terribly much. I've stopped eating so close to bedtime, and I've stopped eating 2nd helpings. I went out to lunch with my mother at Denny's a few days ago and none of the fried food (98% of the menu) looked even remotely appetizing. I did the Pick 4 breakfast slam and chose all of the healthier options, including a cup of fruit (I hate ordering fruit from restaurants because it's rarely ripe). I've been stopping eating (is that grammatically correct?) when I feel satisfied, and I've greatly reduced my intake of sugar while increasing fruits and veggies. Wow, now that I've typed all that out it looks as if I DID do a lot.

Let's not forget exercise. Last weekend I wanted to do The Biggest Loser's 500-step challenge so last Monday morning I did just that. I was soooo sore for the next few days, but I did it again Thursday and again today. I'm thrilled!!

My writing is going slow but I have been making progress and meeting my deadlines. I was a day early on my 20-page paper and spent all day Thursday peer editing and critiquing the papers of fellow students. I just finished another paper for tomorrow and I have one more to do before 3pm tomorrow. Then, oh boy, then I get back to my thesis.

Overall I had a great, successful last week. Let's see how the next one goes :-D

LL xoxo

Gettin On Track

260.6

Howdy!

I took a couple days off because, believe it or not, writing this blog actually takes a bit of time and ends up taking me away from schoolwork. I've had a rough time this week. I've been home every day but have found it hard to stay focused on the oh-so-many tasks at hand. Monday I was able to finish the 20-page paper that took far longer than I expected--12 days! The good thing about it is that I used the same paper for two classes (the professors were aware of this). Today I was VERY focused and worked ALL DAY on assignments for one class. I just finished it all and am totally done with this course. YAY!!

As for eating and exercise, as you know I've been watching The Biggest Loser Season 10. At the start of the season half of the contestants had to compete in a 500-step challenge using a stepper (as in step aerobics). It was really hard for them and I was wondering if this li'l couch potato could do it. I have a step that I used to use regularly, so I brought the cob-webby thing up from the basement and went to work. It was hard but I did it without any trouble.

I've been very sore the past two days but I didn't exercise. That's not good. It doesn't do a thing to just exercise once every three months, so this morning I did it again--500 steps. This time I added arm movements to about half of the steps. I'm already starting to feel better and I honestly wish I could've done it again tonight, but I decided to work instead.

I've been making better choices with food too. For one, I'm doing my best not to overeat. Monday night I met my man at Subway. The sandwich wasn't very healthy but I went for the baked chips and iced tea to reduce calories (I realized later that the chips did nothing for me, so I think I'll pass next time). I ordered a foot-long because I was starving, but I didn't eat the whole thing. I saved some for lunch the next day. Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to NOT finish really tasty food? That was a big step for me.

Additionally I've started tracking what I eat with the notepad on my phone. I'll add them to my food log on http://www.fitday.com/ when I get some time.

So I weighed myself and I'm 260.6. After my shower I took a hand mirror and held it to my right to see the profile of my body. My abdomen is huge and is further out than my chest. This isn't just my stomache, this is my entire abdomen. What's odd is that it's the uppoer part that is so far out. The lower "gut" part is not sticking out as far. I tried sucking it in and it barely made a difference. I didn't feel badly though, wich is great. I did it so that I can face my body for the first time in a very long time. The only mirror I have is the medicine cabinet mirror and the hand mirror, so I never see below by shoulders. Doing this little exercise simply reinforced why I'm making changes.

As for my mood and focus ... Monday was good, Tuesday was pretty good (got up earlier than normal but I avoided work and just played online most of the day), but yesterday was not good. I woke up and was exhausted physically and mentally. I'm sure it would've been legit to take the entire day off but I can' afford that at this point. I sat and watched t.v. and played online for hours. I got up at 8a.m. and didn't start working until 2p.m. Terrible, I know. Of course as soon as I started I got a call from my child that a tire had blown on the highway. I had to go and change it (I was within a few feet of cars wizzing past me ... I felt kinda brave for doing this) and when I got back I made something to eat cuz my child had to go to work. I did just a few minutes of work before my man came and got me at 6:30 to go to the store. I hadn't changed out of my bed clothes (which are regular clothes I wouldn't be caught dead in out of the house) all day (not even when I changed the tire) and I was embarrassed. I washed my face and brushed my teeth and changed my clothes but that was all. My hair was not clean and I hadn't showered. We went to the store and had dinner. I started doing more work while he was still here and later continued working until 2a.m. It was past the time I should've gone to bed, but I had started the day wanting to accomplish this one thing, so I pushed myself until it was done.

I felt so good about this that I started off today feeling much more dedicated. I got up at 9a.m., did the dishes, straightened the house, had breakfast and exercised. Then I got to work. I was distracted for a bit by talking with a friend online but I didn't avoid the work for long. I started working at about 1p.m. or so and I didn't stop except to eat until 11p.m. Ten hours of work time is not bad at all. It's about what I want to accomplish at this point in the semester, so I'm really proud of myself.

So tomorrow I plan on doing it all over again: dishes, straightening, breakfast and exercise, then work.

I can't wait!!

Falling Short or Moving Ahead?

I'm doing my best not to panic about my schoolwork. I'm getting very little done each day, partly because I allow myself to be distracted by things at home (cleaning, laundry, T.V., netsurfing) and partly because things demand my attention (cleaning, laundry) or force my attention away (child gets home from school 5 hours earlier than planned, child fights with friend in my living room). So yesterday I headed to my favorite coffee house because it's a place where I can focus. I worked on my paper for 3 solid hours, but guess what? It's still not done *sigh* Hopefully today will be it.

Last week I started watching the current season of The Biggest Loser and I just can't get enough (hmm, distraction). My man has stayed at my house during his time off from work so he's been watching with me. Last night after an episode ended he told me I should try out to be on the show because he thinks I'd really kick butt at it. He then said that he knows the show is an inspiration to me and I had to force back the tears becuase he's right. Last spring I watched TBL and Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution and I started to eat better and feel better. I really need these positive things in my life.

I've been thinking a lot about my weight and what got me to this point and how I've allowed it to overtake my life. I am a very active person and I enjoy getting out and living, but I found out last summer that I can't do that anymore because I don't fit in certain public seats (live theater, airplanes), other things would be too difficult for me to do (hiking, sitting in a canoe, walking long distances while on vacation) and yet others would just be to embarrassing (swimming, rock climbing, riding a bike, roller blading). I've noticed that I have trouble getting off the couch or out of the recliner now, and my jeans are so uncomfortable when I sit that I have to unbutton AND unzip them. I've never been this big before, close but not exactly.

One of the contestants said that after being voted off of TBL, he scheduled 3 workouts per day--one before work, one after, and one after dinner. Each one was at least an hour long. He said that it was a tough commitment to stick to but he knew it had to be done. I can't say that I can do three a day, but I should be able to work out once a day. I spend a lot of time sitting around being unproductive so there obviously is time in my day.

The second part to getting healthy is food. Our food stamps were cut by 25% recently. What we used to get was perfect for us and came to $100 a week. It's hard for two people to eat on just $14 a day. That's 3 meals for two people which comes to about $2 per person per meal. A jar of spaghetti sauce at the discount grocer is $1, past is about the same, and then there's a salad ($4), bread ($2) and parm cheese to put on top. That's more than half of a day's budget. Now imagine that I start cooking really healthy meals with fresh produce and I leave out processed food (canned goods, boxed meals and frozen meals)--the cost will double or triple! What I have to do is make 3 weeks worth of food stamps stretch to 4 weeks, and then stretch it even more so that we can eat healthy food. I'm fine with paying cash for the difference but right now I don't have any to spare. I had to borrow $300 from my man in order to get through until mid-January when the refunds roll in.

So it's 1:30 and I need to eat so I'm going to have lunch and get back to my paper. Wish me luck.

Goals for today:

1. Finish my paper, one way or another
2. Start writing the "methods" section of my thesis
3. Email Chris the coding system
4. Be kinder to my man

What I am thankful for:

• Having a man who really, truly loves me regardless of how I look or act
• Having a warm safe home for my family and my kitties
• Being blessed with a really good writing ability that helps me earn high grades
• Learning to really love myself, no matter how I look

LL xoxo

Day 1, Part II: Today's issue

Lately I've been afraid to step on the scale, but today I felt lighter and able to suck in my belly more than I could last week (oh last week, the monthly visit). I've been in a rather positive mood as well which is of utmost necessity when facing scary high numbers. My weight bothers me but I've come to terms with it, however, unless ready to make changes, knowing my actual weight will do nothing but make me feel sad and frustrated.

So I did it. I got on the scale. Twice (just to be sure). 261.6 lbs. The most I've ever weighed. Recently two people told me that I've been losing weight, but I guess it just shifted around a bit while collecting more friends (a.k.a. fat globules) because I'm 5 lbs heavier than I was a few months ago. BUT, because I stuck to my rule of facing the scale only when in a positive mood, I'm OK with it. I've started feeling not-so-good when I eat sugar and fried food, and have been craving clean food. This morning I ate a plate of fruit for breakfast. I NEVER do that!! But I loved it.

Much has happened through the course of my life to make food an addiction, and much has happened in the past few months (and past few weeks) to give me the strength to let go of it. While I've desperately asked, "Can't we all just get along?" of certain people in my life, recent events have shown me that no, we cannot. Although I'm still in the process of accepting the things I cannot change (thank you Pre-Alateen), I've started changing what I can--me! I've effectively removed myself greatly from one person's life, and the strength I have from that one step has made me stronger all around. Yay!!

My life is crazy; plans hardly ever work out and often I am suddenly faced with an event that demands immediate attention (broken down cars, child who needs helps, a loved one gets hurts, court cases, financial woes, etc.). I tried to start a workout program last May, but I only made it to the gym twice. TWICE!! You have no idea how mad I was that life was actually preventing me from taking care of myself! But now things have eased up significantly and I'm no longer spending hours at a time on the couch (with plates of food on my lap) in retreat from all the chaos surrounding me.

Wish me luck though cuz I'm sure gonna need it.

LL :-)