Family Update

It's been a while since I've written about my feelings regarding my family. I've spent the past 3 months working through some interesting feelings which I think coincide with the stages of loss (anger, denial, etc. etc.). The day that I stood up to my sister had me on the brink of a panic attack. The next day I woke up feeling very good about life, free. This lasted for a few days. It was unexpected. It was during these days that I realized just how bad it has been for me, how controlling my mother and other family members have been of me. I realized that I truly had made the right choice.

Then one day I woke up angry. There was a fury in my head that I couldn't shake. I was not prepared for this, but I accepted it. Although surprised and caught off guard, I handled it well, mostly because I didn't fight it but rolled with it.

I've also had days when I would wonder what was going on in the lives of my family members. I'd look them up on Facebook to see what, if anything, they had posted. It didn't make me feel better, but I believe that it served a specific purpose--it gave me the opportunity to sort of transition them out of my life. It's always hard to quit something cold turkey, especially people.

I've just now stopped being curious. I no longer care that they are outwardly loving to one another. I no longer think about the cost of it to me. I've stopped wanting to pick up the phone to call my mother (a habit from times when I'd be in the car and wanting to chat with someone). I have imagined what I'd say to my other sister if she ever contacts me and asks why I've done this. Until recently, I've imagined that I'd respond with hurt and anger, both verbally and emotionally. This week I imagined it very differently, that I would be calm, honest and distant. I see that I'm coming through this ugly thing to a peaceful place where I'm happy to be.

LL xoxo

Falling Short or Moving Ahead?

I'm doing my best not to panic about my schoolwork. I'm getting very little done each day, partly because I allow myself to be distracted by things at home (cleaning, laundry, T.V., netsurfing) and partly because things demand my attention (cleaning, laundry) or force my attention away (child gets home from school 5 hours earlier than planned, child fights with friend in my living room). So yesterday I headed to my favorite coffee house because it's a place where I can focus. I worked on my paper for 3 solid hours, but guess what? It's still not done *sigh* Hopefully today will be it.

Last week I started watching the current season of The Biggest Loser and I just can't get enough (hmm, distraction). My man has stayed at my house during his time off from work so he's been watching with me. Last night after an episode ended he told me I should try out to be on the show because he thinks I'd really kick butt at it. He then said that he knows the show is an inspiration to me and I had to force back the tears becuase he's right. Last spring I watched TBL and Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution and I started to eat better and feel better. I really need these positive things in my life.

I've been thinking a lot about my weight and what got me to this point and how I've allowed it to overtake my life. I am a very active person and I enjoy getting out and living, but I found out last summer that I can't do that anymore because I don't fit in certain public seats (live theater, airplanes), other things would be too difficult for me to do (hiking, sitting in a canoe, walking long distances while on vacation) and yet others would just be to embarrassing (swimming, rock climbing, riding a bike, roller blading). I've noticed that I have trouble getting off the couch or out of the recliner now, and my jeans are so uncomfortable when I sit that I have to unbutton AND unzip them. I've never been this big before, close but not exactly.

One of the contestants said that after being voted off of TBL, he scheduled 3 workouts per day--one before work, one after, and one after dinner. Each one was at least an hour long. He said that it was a tough commitment to stick to but he knew it had to be done. I can't say that I can do three a day, but I should be able to work out once a day. I spend a lot of time sitting around being unproductive so there obviously is time in my day.

The second part to getting healthy is food. Our food stamps were cut by 25% recently. What we used to get was perfect for us and came to $100 a week. It's hard for two people to eat on just $14 a day. That's 3 meals for two people which comes to about $2 per person per meal. A jar of spaghetti sauce at the discount grocer is $1, past is about the same, and then there's a salad ($4), bread ($2) and parm cheese to put on top. That's more than half of a day's budget. Now imagine that I start cooking really healthy meals with fresh produce and I leave out processed food (canned goods, boxed meals and frozen meals)--the cost will double or triple! What I have to do is make 3 weeks worth of food stamps stretch to 4 weeks, and then stretch it even more so that we can eat healthy food. I'm fine with paying cash for the difference but right now I don't have any to spare. I had to borrow $300 from my man in order to get through until mid-January when the refunds roll in.

So it's 1:30 and I need to eat so I'm going to have lunch and get back to my paper. Wish me luck.

Goals for today:

1. Finish my paper, one way or another
2. Start writing the "methods" section of my thesis
3. Email Chris the coding system
4. Be kinder to my man

What I am thankful for:

• Having a man who really, truly loves me regardless of how I look or act
• Having a warm safe home for my family and my kitties
• Being blessed with a really good writing ability that helps me earn high grades
• Learning to really love myself, no matter how I look

LL xoxo

It's Thanksgiving ...

... and I am home alone so that I can work on my papers. Every day I think I'll finally be done with the 12-15 page paper but it stays just outside of my reach. So I've canceled every plan I have so that I can put in as much time as I can. I'm actually fine with it because a) I'm used to it and b) I'm happy to have the time to get to work.

That's all for today.

LL xoxo