Falling Short or Moving Ahead?

I'm doing my best not to panic about my schoolwork. I'm getting very little done each day, partly because I allow myself to be distracted by things at home (cleaning, laundry, T.V., netsurfing) and partly because things demand my attention (cleaning, laundry) or force my attention away (child gets home from school 5 hours earlier than planned, child fights with friend in my living room). So yesterday I headed to my favorite coffee house because it's a place where I can focus. I worked on my paper for 3 solid hours, but guess what? It's still not done *sigh* Hopefully today will be it.

Last week I started watching the current season of The Biggest Loser and I just can't get enough (hmm, distraction). My man has stayed at my house during his time off from work so he's been watching with me. Last night after an episode ended he told me I should try out to be on the show because he thinks I'd really kick butt at it. He then said that he knows the show is an inspiration to me and I had to force back the tears becuase he's right. Last spring I watched TBL and Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution and I started to eat better and feel better. I really need these positive things in my life.

I've been thinking a lot about my weight and what got me to this point and how I've allowed it to overtake my life. I am a very active person and I enjoy getting out and living, but I found out last summer that I can't do that anymore because I don't fit in certain public seats (live theater, airplanes), other things would be too difficult for me to do (hiking, sitting in a canoe, walking long distances while on vacation) and yet others would just be to embarrassing (swimming, rock climbing, riding a bike, roller blading). I've noticed that I have trouble getting off the couch or out of the recliner now, and my jeans are so uncomfortable when I sit that I have to unbutton AND unzip them. I've never been this big before, close but not exactly.

One of the contestants said that after being voted off of TBL, he scheduled 3 workouts per day--one before work, one after, and one after dinner. Each one was at least an hour long. He said that it was a tough commitment to stick to but he knew it had to be done. I can't say that I can do three a day, but I should be able to work out once a day. I spend a lot of time sitting around being unproductive so there obviously is time in my day.

The second part to getting healthy is food. Our food stamps were cut by 25% recently. What we used to get was perfect for us and came to $100 a week. It's hard for two people to eat on just $14 a day. That's 3 meals for two people which comes to about $2 per person per meal. A jar of spaghetti sauce at the discount grocer is $1, past is about the same, and then there's a salad ($4), bread ($2) and parm cheese to put on top. That's more than half of a day's budget. Now imagine that I start cooking really healthy meals with fresh produce and I leave out processed food (canned goods, boxed meals and frozen meals)--the cost will double or triple! What I have to do is make 3 weeks worth of food stamps stretch to 4 weeks, and then stretch it even more so that we can eat healthy food. I'm fine with paying cash for the difference but right now I don't have any to spare. I had to borrow $300 from my man in order to get through until mid-January when the refunds roll in.

So it's 1:30 and I need to eat so I'm going to have lunch and get back to my paper. Wish me luck.

Goals for today:

1. Finish my paper, one way or another
2. Start writing the "methods" section of my thesis
3. Email Chris the coding system
4. Be kinder to my man

What I am thankful for:

• Having a man who really, truly loves me regardless of how I look or act
• Having a warm safe home for my family and my kitties
• Being blessed with a really good writing ability that helps me earn high grades
• Learning to really love myself, no matter how I look

LL xoxo

Pushing through the struggle

Time and lack of money are beginning to press down on me. I spent the majority of the day yesterday working on Paper #1 (the 12-15 page paper) and thought for sure I'd have it finished, but no, not yet. My plan was to do housework today amid working on Paper #2 (5-page book report) and Paper #3 (5-page journal), and possibly sending info to a classmate who has graciously agreed to double check my coding system (to see how valid it is). Well it's already 11 a.m. I've done the dishes, started the laundry and had breakfast. That's it.

Money, what can I say. This is typical for this time of year. The money I had set aside for the semester is gone (I only had 70% of what I needed to begin with) and now the money is coming in bits and pieces. While I'll have enough to get through to my next student loan refund, every little bit that comes will have bills arriving alongside of it, so buying pet supplies, toilet paper, etc. ... I'm not sure how that's going to work.

I'm frustrated with:

• myself for not staying as focused as I need in order to succeed with my academic endeavors
• my boss because she doesn't seem to get that my job is not THE top priority, and lately she has stopped listening to the things I say to her (I've been involved with campus for many years, have been in student organizations, and have worked a few jobs--I KNOW what goes on, how to handle things and who to talk to). I've started ignoring the phone when I'm busy there because if it's her, she'll talk for as long as an hour. This has caused me to have to work on weekends to make up for the time I lost on projects. WTH?!?! I'm only supposed to work 20 hours per week (work study rules) but there have been several weeks in the past couple of months when I've worked off the clock. I've even brought my man in to help me out (not so fun for him). I've had to explain to her that I am flexible in what days I come in, but that I have to take time off to make up the lost schoolwork time. I was also offended when she told me last week that she can only count on herself. What the heck have I been doing all this time? I typically work 13-15 hours a week but lately I've been putting in 20-23 in order to make sure everything is getting done. It seems like I've done it all for nothing and I'm a bit resentful.
• all the things that require me to take time away from school: Thanksgiving, running errands, keeping house, dealing with people who can't take care of things themselves (I love caring for people, but goodness there has to be time for me to care for myself). I'm pretty resentful right now of the holiday coming up because it's taking me away from my work for an entire day, and there's NO WAY to make that up.

I'm also doing what I can to face my weight. On The Biggest Loser you see contestants with the flap of belly fat that hangs below their shorts. I don't have that but I do have the folds on the sides of my stomach which indicates that it is starting to happen. I don't want to be this way. Right now I don't have time but I'm trying, I honestly am. I have a really good treadmill that I'm trying to figure out where it should go: my bedroom or the basement? I'd hate how it'll look in my bedroom, plus the floor shakes when I have it upstairs, but the basement floor is not flat; when I use it, the tread creeps to one side (rather than staying centered) and starts to rub on the plastic (which will wear it out), so I'm constantly having to push it back by twisting my feet as I walk.

As I write this, I'm thinking that my weight is a serious issue and needs to be a priority. When I have homework, there are books and papers on the table and desk. When it's time to eat, the kitchen gets messy because we need sustenance to survive. When it's time to do laundry, there are dirty clothes, towels and sheets in a pile that need tackling. That which is most important to us is not hidden, so neither should the treadmill. It may not look nice in my room, but right now this is what I need to get better.

I obviously need to view my weightloss as the serious situation that it is. I often say that I'm thankful for being healthy, but I don't know what's going on inside of me. Do I have high cholesterol? Do I have diabetes yet? If not I will very soon. My knees and hips hurt when I get off the couch, I can't breathe when I bend, and I can't do things that require me to kneel down or sit on the floor. Last summer my friends and I had to sit in the handicap seats at the local outdoor theater because I couldn't fit in the regular seats. There was an indoor theater show I really wanted to see but I passed because I assumed I wouldn't fit there either. I won't fly anymore because when I did last March, I barely fit (didn't fit but somehow made it work). During the layover (I stayed on the same plane) I didn't join the other passengers who got up to stretch because I was afraid of having them see how hard it would be for me to get back in my seat.

I realized yesterday that my man loves me so much that if I were to continue gaining weight, he'd put my shoes on for me and do other things that I no longer could. That is not fair to him. We are planning on being together for many years to come (forever?) and I'm sure he'd like to enjoy life with me without having to limit his activities simply because I couldn't do them.

I'm not sure how I'm going to make these changes, but I know it starts in my head. My weight is a critical health issue that needs addressing right now! I don't need to feel bad about where I am, but instead I need to feel good, strong and positive about the future and what I'm going to do to get healthier. I forgive myself for ignoring how bad it really is.

Goals for today:

1. Finish Paper #1, Paper #2, Paper #3 and email my classmate
2. Finish laundry
3. Shower
4. Exercise (someway, somehow)
5. Plan a schedule for today so I can accomplish all of this. It can be done, I just have to remain on track.
6. Keep the television off.

What I am grateful for:

• Having been blessed with a wonderful man who truly loves me
• Having a great daughter who is transitioning very well into adulthood
• Having a safe, warm home that we all feel comfortable in
• All of the animals are healthy and happy
• Having the strength to stay the course when things get tough, and to be able to change things to meet specific needs

LL xoxo