Monday, June 11, 2012

The Thick of it

I can't believe it has been six weeks since my last post. At first I didn't really have much to share other than how excited I was about the race, what it did for me, and continuing my exercises. I started hiking more and got some friends involved who then got their friends involved. I started spending entire days with friends while walking, hiking, jogging and just plain hanging out. Unfortunately I ran into a couple of road blocks that I'm still trying to work through.

My ankle hasn't completely healed, so I made the tough decision to stay off of it as much as possible which means no more hiking, jogging or walking. This has really bummed me out for a few reasons. One, I can't exercise the way I like or at the intensity I've grown to love. Two, I'm stuck indoors when I want to be in the middle of nature, jogging alongside a river. Three, I can't see my friends, so I'm feeling very isolated and lonely.

I also started feeling scared which led to withdrawing into myself and binge eating. I finally realized that I was terrified of losing more weight. This weight is a protection that to a degree keeps bad stuff away from me. For one, it limits advances from men (I'm not prepared to handle any negative stuff that some men would bring). The other thing is that my weight is the final issue in my life, the last big negative. I've learned that with success comes bad treatment from certain people, and now I have this knee-jerk reaction that is stopping me from aiming for success. I realized this a couple of weeks ago but I still haven't broken free of it.

Because of the above things, I found that I was spending hours at a time on Facebook chatting with friends from a group that I'm a member of, and of course there was always junk food at my side. This is one of two coping mechanisms I have: eating while being distracted (typically with T.V.) or sleeping for very long hours. I've been doing both of these. So even when I'm not fully aware something is wrong, I eventually see what my behavior has become and then I know I have to address the situation.

Homemade Roasted Eggplant Soup
with homemade croutons.
So yummy!

So last Wednesday at midnight I decided to take a week-long break from Facebook. I have to do something to reconnect with myself, and there is a whole house full of projects I can work on. It has been slow going, but I've started cooking again and the food is uber healthy and delicious. That hasn't stopped me from eating crap, but I'm working on it.

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