The day after I wrote my last blog I unexpectedly wrote an email to my sister, and this time it was different. I was in-your-face (but not rude) and tough. I put it all out there. The week that I spent mulling it over allowed me to look at what she said from different angles. I realized that I became active in the gay community 6 years before she even came out of the closet (up until then, she was living the straight life). I realized that of all the texts, emails, phone calls and fb posts through which I have reached out to her over the years, she didn't respond until I challenged her in the email I wrote a few weeks ago; that is messed up. The email she sent me a week later said that she was going to talk with me at Thanksgiving dinner last year, but turned it around on me by saying "but you weren't there." I challenged that too. I asked her why she didn't call/text/email me after dinner? I asked her why she had set me up, why she had made a rule that this was my one and only chance with her yet not telling me about it.
No matter what I wrote to her in the original email, she found a way to twist it and turn it back on me. When I complimented her and told her that I have always respected her and looked up to her, she threw it back at me and told me that she never asked to be my role model. When I told her that I have stood up for her during the time she refused to speak to me, she said that she didn't need me to do that. Can you see what I'm dealing with? She's decided to not like me, to despise me actually. I've done absolutely nothing to deserve it and it's apparent that there's nothing I can do to change it.
I didn't send the email. I wanted to wait and be sure. While I was writing it I was shaking all over and my heart was racing. Within an hour of saving it to my draft folder, I felt all lit up inside. I thought it was because the sun was shining for the first time in weeks, but I realized that I felt free and I felt strong. Even though I still haven't sent it, I feel that I've stood up for myself to a powerful force, stood up and said, "I don't care anymore, you no longer have the power to hurt me. I've taken control and taken that power away from you."
I never expected to feel this good. I really feel like I've shaken off the last, painful chunks of stone that I've been chiseling away at for the past 2 decades. I no longer care what my mother, sister or any other member of the family thinks of me. I was conditioned by my mother to be her emotiona punching bag and she has shown the rest of the family that it's acceptable for them to use me the same way. It's not O.K. It's not right. I am going to be just fine without them. Great actually.
I honestly can say that I can't wait for the rest of my life to happen.
What I am grateful for:
1) ME!!!!!!!!
2) My strength
3) my wonderful support system
4) the shining sun
Goals for today:
1) go to my internship even though I don't want to
2) choose the right foods
3) smile alot
4) brighten up someone's day (especially my own)
LL xoxo
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