What will today bring?

My first reaction at the start of yesterday's panic attack was to go to bed. That is a coping mechanism that I've had since I was 12-years-old. I was in intensive therapy two years ago and spent some time addressing this. When the pain became too much for me, I'd stay in bed 1-3 days until it had subsided. I haven't felt that way in a long time, but yesterday it came back. I briefly considered it, but then while sitting at my dining room table I looked outside at the beautiful sunny day. I didn't want to hole myself up and hide from life, so I called a neighbor and asked if I could come over because I was fighting a panic attack. She met me at her door with a large glass of iced tea and gave all her attention to me for the next hour.

She, a very tough ex-military woman, said that she would go to the restaurant where my family was going to be for dinner and and tell them all how terribly they were treating me, and tell my sister what a you-know-what she was being. Hearing her say that helped me see how bad things are because I was witnessing her reaction to the sickness that is my family. Feeling her care and concern at a moment when I was feeling very unloved definitely helped. She has seen me go through rough times with my child and with men and she's never said this before, so now you can understand the gravity of her words.

My head was in a cloud for the rest of the day, and it was clear that I was feeling down, BUT I mostly went about my day as I would have any other. I did some homework, helped my child with homework, cooked, and even went for a long walk with the man (I'm just going to call him A from now on). Not as great as I would like to become but it was definitely heading in the right direction.

As for food, I stuck to my diet except for the 1.5 Cups of ice cream I had. That was the stress being fed. It may backfire on me, but the entire day I was battling the urge to eat junk, cookies and chips (a mindless act that seems to soothe me). There was a moment late last night where I just went for it. Oh well. It was a bad day. I'm human, not perfect.

As for my family, my mother called 4 times and even sent me an "Everything OK?" message on facebook. If that isn't a guilty conscience I don't know what is. She never does that. How can a mother support, no, take part in, ostracizing one of her children? Yeah, that's just a small glimpse of who my mother is. Me? I could NEVER do that to someone.

I know this post is all over the place, but I'm trying to limit my rambling so I'm fast-forwarding to today. I've removed and blocked all of my family from facebook. I can't stand to see anymore evidence of how unwanted I am, and I don't want them having access to my life at all.

For the past year or so I've been fantasizing about moving to another state mainly so that I can get away from my family. When I imagine it, I feel peace and freedom and the chance to be myself for the very first time. Right now I feel the same way. When I think about my family completely leaving me alone (as opposed to seelcting what events they expect me to attend and which ones they'll hide from me), I feel like I can live my life and be myself. Damn, it feels good!!

So this post went from sad to very happy. I want happy. I'm aiming for happy. I deserve it. I've certainly paid my dues.

Things that I am grateful for:

• wonderful friends who support me and see things in me that I was never allowed to see
• a man who loves me in a way that no one person has ever loved me
• a child who is healthy and strong and preparing for adulthood
• the wonderful spring day and the breezes flowing through my house
• making a friend with a fellow blogger with whom I have so much in common
• my cats
• finding the strength to stand up for myself

Goals for today:

• continue with the diet
• work on my paper
• Be happy!

LL xoxo