Livin' Large

I only got 4 hours of sleep last night, if you can even call it sleep. I've had insomnia for weeks and it pretty much sucks. I'm not able to go to sleep until 2a.m., I toss and turn (or even worse, I get up several times), and then I "sleep" until about 10a.m. When I finally get up, I'm so tired that it can take hours for me to be functional. Then I've only got a few hours to do everything and the cycle starts all over again.

I attended a bi-monthly meeting this morning that started at 8a.m. Now given what I just shared with you, you can imagine how important this must have been for me to push myself to go after just 4 hours in bed. I'm back home now, had a bite to eat, and am going to take a nap so that I can make it through work and class (which ends at 9:40p.m.).

As I am apt to do, I've been thinking about my life inventory. I realized that the hardest thing to do when making a change in yourself is to balance the realization of how messed up you are while loving yourself enough to let go of it and move forward. There are no full-length mirrors in my house, so when I get ready to go somewhere all I see is my head. I fix my hair and put on makeup that brings out my eyes. I look in the medicine cabinet mirror and smile, seeing the pretty, honest face that I've just decorated. I put on dress clothes, nice heels and some earings. I feel good, I walk tall, and I tell myself that I'm going to impress with my professional look and attitude.

But on ocassion I walk by a glass door or well-polished glossy sign and I catch (or more acurately, I avoid) a glimpse of myself. When I approach glass doors I focus on doorframe so that I won't see how bad I look. Well this morning as I was leaving the meeting, I walked past one of those large, black, well-polished signs. I saw how big I am. Round actually. *Sigh* I had just introduced myself to the chair of a committee I want to join and he was rather unreceptive. Could it be because I don't look as professional as I feel?

I walked out to my car thinking about how I had just seen what I really look like. I faced it and accepted it. I then immediately moved on to how good I feel that I've started this process of making myself better. That's when I realized that there has to be a balance between facing who I am, the bad choices that got me here, the terrible emotions that pushed me to overeat, and how physically debilitated I've become. I'm finally facing the reality that is my future if I don't reverse the damge I've done . . . if I don't put a halt to the imminent downfall of my health.

I've tried doing this before, but I guess I wasn't ready until now. Of course, I wasn't as bad off as I am now. I'm about 10 lbs heavier than I've ever been. The limitations it's having on my life is greater than ever. I guess that was OK for a while when I was retreating further and further from life, my friends and opportunities, but now I see all that I'm missing. I want to travel and visit places. To do that I have to be able to fit into seats. I also need the energy and stamina to move. I'll have to climb stairs or hike up to a waterfall or take long walks around a new city.

LL xoxo