It's been a crazy few weeks, at least in my head. I really am my own worst enemy. I can't figure out whether I should be happy with who I am or keep trying to be different. Should I accept my body the way it is and feel strong and sexy, or should I work on losing weight? Am I lazy when I don't do any work or am I just bored of it all?
I've been trying really hard to figure this all out, to figure out who I am. I've been slowly reading "Eat, Pray, Love" and some of it has inspired me to think differently about who I am. For example, she says that she's outgoing and very talkative (like me), and thinks it's a bad thing, so she decides to remain silent for the next several weeks while staying at an Indian ashram. As fate would have it, she is told the next morning that her new job at the ashram is to basically be a cruise director for all the new visitors, and that she was chosen to do this because of her outgoing personality. She realized that there is nothing wrong with her talkative nature. However, she decided to look at this part of herself and modify what was not good about it: the fact that she habitually interupted people (like me), so she made it her mission to become a better listener.
I really like that. Accept yourself for who you are (it's a big planet, everyone is welcome) and modify what needs improving. Easy enough.
However, I don't quite know who I am, so I'm working on that. I'm also working on my lack of motivation for nearly everything in my life: school, work, caring for my home, caring for myself. As a true Gemini, I need change, something to create a spark in my life to keep things interesting for me, a new driving route to work, new work hours, rearranging and/or redecorating a room ... but I haven't had the time or money for that. Well, I've thought about it, but it seems so overwhelming, and that's the last thing I need.
Whatever it is, I need something to happen, and it looks like I'm going to have to make it happen. I just feel blah and bored, and there isn't one spark in me to do anything at all. I've been wasting hours and hours playing computer games and watching T.V. even when I don't want to. I've been sleeping a lot more too. It just sucks. :-(
I bought a book tonight that I hope will help me think differently about what I need to do. Skimming through it, the author states that we all have self-destructive thinking that holds us back from so many things. That is me.
LIVIN' LARGE: Big changes for living big lives
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
It seems to be working ...
So I went to bed late last night (technically this morning), almost 2 hours later than I had intended. As I was getting my stuff ready for today, I realized that the code sheets for my research project had not been updated; this is critical as I cannot add anything to the stats program for analysis until all the code sheets are updated. If I had realized this a couple of days ago, I would've printed the revisions and worked on them before today. My plan for today was to use a friend's pc (to download the trial version of SPSS) to enter the info and do the analysis. I went to bed knowing that I'd have to make a trip to the library to print out the revised code sheets and then spend time manually updating them before I could even think about SPSS.
I fell asleep thinking that I'd just give up and work on all of this some other day, however, that day would not be until next week, and I really can't spare another week. The new semester starts in 3 weeks and I really want/need to have this paper done by then. So I did what I never do: I got out of bed on time, showered, put on makeup, and started my day. Not only would I normally not do this, but typically I'd be upset and stressed about the oversight and extra work. However, because I'm learning to live in the moment, I'm not stressed at all. Amazingly, I just feel really good, probably because a) I got up and showered earlier than normal, and b) because I'm doing it, getting it done.
Yay for me!!
LL xoxo
I fell asleep thinking that I'd just give up and work on all of this some other day, however, that day would not be until next week, and I really can't spare another week. The new semester starts in 3 weeks and I really want/need to have this paper done by then. So I did what I never do: I got out of bed on time, showered, put on makeup, and started my day. Not only would I normally not do this, but typically I'd be upset and stressed about the oversight and extra work. However, because I'm learning to live in the moment, I'm not stressed at all. Amazingly, I just feel really good, probably because a) I got up and showered earlier than normal, and b) because I'm doing it, getting it done.
Yay for me!!
LL xoxo
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
... Part II
... continued
I'm noticing things about myself, like how I never, ever live in the moment. I'm always focused on the future, be it an hour or a week. On the extremely rare occassion when I'm able to stay in the moment, I feel calmer and my mind has peace and clarity. I've been trying very hard to do that all day today. It got better as the day went on. My man came over for a bit and while he was doing some homework, I cleaned the kitchen. The house is fairly disorganized and messy (by my standards of course), and typically I would get very upset when I'd start cleaning due to how much I was focusing on the mountain ahead of me rather than on the fact that I was actually taking steps to reduce it to a mere molehill.
As the evening went on, I was able to get a few things done in addition to enjoying some downtime. Not bad. I had actually shut off the laptop so I could get to bed when I felt the urge to press on a bit and do a couple more things (such as work on this blog), so I fired the laptop back up and here I am.
It's 1:08 a.m. and I'm very tired, so I doubt this is all going to make sense, but I wanted to share my current emotional state.
Something clicked in me yesterday that caused me to step down from the high horse I've been riding and embrace my man. He has trouble concentrating, sometimes for more than a few seconds, and I became very frustrated two days ago because of it. I gave up and begrudgingly accepted the fact that he will never be any different. I decided that I had no choice but to deal with it. Now this wasn't a good thing, it was born of bitterness. I am a very logical, analytical person, and to be with someone who is the complete opposite drives me batty. Earlier that day he had gotten lost twice while driving to some stores. I refused to help him even though he kept asking for my help. I couldn't believe that I was riding in the car with a native of this city who somehow forgot how to get around. I even admonished him for failing to read the highway signs which resulted in him heading south instead of north.
Fast forward 18 hours (give or take a few). He mentions quite randomly that I had been upset the day before. I calmly explained that I just didn't understand how he could do something for years on end and still need help (driving, putting away dishes, etc.). This is the moment that did it for me--he said simply, "I don't know. You're right, I do blink in and out. I don't know what's wrong with me." Therre was something in his admission as well as his sadness that melted the ice wall I've had up for nearly the past year. He said that he was just not good with directions, and I told him that from now on, I will help him (inside I was saying that I would help him without saying things to make him feel badly about needing my help).
Add to this that on the same day he was taking me to dinner, one of his Christmas gifts to me, to a restaurant I had never been to before. It touched me that all he wanted was to take me out, show me a nice time at a romantic restaurant, and do it without any expectations of getting anything in return. He was happy simply by doing something nice for me.
The admission of confusion over his forgetfulness and his dining-out gift somehow showed me what an amazing person he is becoming. This is not the man I got together with on August 16, 2008. That man was selfish, self-centered, and didn't care about anyone but himself. He had no conscience, didn't care if his actions hurt anyone, and his moral level was almost as low as it could go. I've fought him tooth and nail to be a human being and to treat others the same. He's done a major overhaul and has successfully modified the beat-up, rusty clunker to a shiny, solid body with warm, plush interiors. He's done it for me, and he's given me all the time I need to be sure that this is now the real him.
I missed him today while he was at work. That's something that pretty much never happens. I hugged him sincerely before he left to go back home tonight, and when he kissed me (a series of pecks), I didn't tense up like I usually and turn away after a few seconds. I relaxed and allowed him to lead me through his ritual good-night pecks. I told him that he's amazing, in part because he loves me even when I'm unlovable. He laughed alot at that! Then he agreed with me :-D
I really hope that this is a sign of things to come, not just with us but in my outlook on aspects of my life (and there's certainly alot of 'em).
I'm noticing things about myself, like how I never, ever live in the moment. I'm always focused on the future, be it an hour or a week. On the extremely rare occassion when I'm able to stay in the moment, I feel calmer and my mind has peace and clarity. I've been trying very hard to do that all day today. It got better as the day went on. My man came over for a bit and while he was doing some homework, I cleaned the kitchen. The house is fairly disorganized and messy (by my standards of course), and typically I would get very upset when I'd start cleaning due to how much I was focusing on the mountain ahead of me rather than on the fact that I was actually taking steps to reduce it to a mere molehill.
As the evening went on, I was able to get a few things done in addition to enjoying some downtime. Not bad. I had actually shut off the laptop so I could get to bed when I felt the urge to press on a bit and do a couple more things (such as work on this blog), so I fired the laptop back up and here I am.
It's 1:08 a.m. and I'm very tired, so I doubt this is all going to make sense, but I wanted to share my current emotional state.
Something clicked in me yesterday that caused me to step down from the high horse I've been riding and embrace my man. He has trouble concentrating, sometimes for more than a few seconds, and I became very frustrated two days ago because of it. I gave up and begrudgingly accepted the fact that he will never be any different. I decided that I had no choice but to deal with it. Now this wasn't a good thing, it was born of bitterness. I am a very logical, analytical person, and to be with someone who is the complete opposite drives me batty. Earlier that day he had gotten lost twice while driving to some stores. I refused to help him even though he kept asking for my help. I couldn't believe that I was riding in the car with a native of this city who somehow forgot how to get around. I even admonished him for failing to read the highway signs which resulted in him heading south instead of north.
Fast forward 18 hours (give or take a few). He mentions quite randomly that I had been upset the day before. I calmly explained that I just didn't understand how he could do something for years on end and still need help (driving, putting away dishes, etc.). This is the moment that did it for me--he said simply, "I don't know. You're right, I do blink in and out. I don't know what's wrong with me." Therre was something in his admission as well as his sadness that melted the ice wall I've had up for nearly the past year. He said that he was just not good with directions, and I told him that from now on, I will help him (inside I was saying that I would help him without saying things to make him feel badly about needing my help).
Add to this that on the same day he was taking me to dinner, one of his Christmas gifts to me, to a restaurant I had never been to before. It touched me that all he wanted was to take me out, show me a nice time at a romantic restaurant, and do it without any expectations of getting anything in return. He was happy simply by doing something nice for me.
The admission of confusion over his forgetfulness and his dining-out gift somehow showed me what an amazing person he is becoming. This is not the man I got together with on August 16, 2008. That man was selfish, self-centered, and didn't care about anyone but himself. He had no conscience, didn't care if his actions hurt anyone, and his moral level was almost as low as it could go. I've fought him tooth and nail to be a human being and to treat others the same. He's done a major overhaul and has successfully modified the beat-up, rusty clunker to a shiny, solid body with warm, plush interiors. He's done it for me, and he's given me all the time I need to be sure that this is now the real him.
I missed him today while he was at work. That's something that pretty much never happens. I hugged him sincerely before he left to go back home tonight, and when he kissed me (a series of pecks), I didn't tense up like I usually and turn away after a few seconds. I relaxed and allowed him to lead me through his ritual good-night pecks. I told him that he's amazing, in part because he loves me even when I'm unlovable. He laughed alot at that! Then he agreed with me :-D
I really hope that this is a sign of things to come, not just with us but in my outlook on aspects of my life (and there's certainly alot of 'em).
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Where to go next
My disappointment in myself (a.k.a. lack of weight loss) has kept me from blogging, but it's the day after Christmas and I'm feeling a renewed sense of self, so here I am.
There have been a few times in my life when I was able to diet and exercise to a point of losing quite a bit of weight. The key factor in each of those was that my life followed a set schedule, one in which I could easily plan for working out a few days a week. The first time was when my child started prexchool at the local YMCA. I would take the little one to the top floor for a few hours of play time and education, and I would head to the basement to exercise. It was great! I then supplemented this with step aerobics at home when I felt the urge to jump around when she wasn't in preschool.
The next time in my life was when she started at a different preschool and I was a nanny for other children her age. After taking everyone to their respective preschools, I would head to my neighborhood community center to exercise. I then went home (we had moved back in to my mom's where my brother also lived) to a quiet, empty house to spend an hour pampering myself. I'd crank up my music, shower, curl my hair, and dance. At noon I'd pick up the kiddies and start the second half of my day in very good spirits.
The third time was a few years later. I'd drop my child off at school and then head to campus where I worked and studied. Arriving a couple hours before my first class, I'd head to the gym to work out and then take time to shower. It was great. The rest of the day was filled with energy and a strong, positive mood that was useful for all the things I was juggling.
The one reason I'd stop, every time, is because I'd start a relationship and give up myself to the new man. However, the second time (as listed above) I was already in a relationship, and I felt myself drawing away from him. I felt so good about myself (exercise does wonders for my mood) that I started to not care about the relationship based on the fact that he wasn't giving me what I needed; I felt myself pulling away from him. When I realized this, that I no longer cared about being with him, it scared me to death, and I gave up working out so I could refocus on keeping him near me. Which brings me to a much deeper problem, how I find myself in relation to my relationships. There isn't one relationship that I've had, since childhood on, that hasn't proven to be highly conditional. This applies to parents, a grand-parent and siblings. Even when I've done nothing wrong except break the dysfunctional rules laid down by the other person (e.g. refuse to keep lying in order to even have a relationship), even when I've played their games to the best of my ability, every relationship has turned on me. So I guess it makes sense that the only time I could feel good enough about myself to focus on my health is when I've been single.
I've been in a difficult relationship for over 2 years now. Because he has done a LOT of work on himself, it is much better than it was, but I still find it impossible to let go and get lost in the zone that is necessary for dedicated weight-loss. Between that and my absolutely insane schedule, which doesn't allow for regular workouts, I just don't know what I'm going to do.
To be continued ...
There have been a few times in my life when I was able to diet and exercise to a point of losing quite a bit of weight. The key factor in each of those was that my life followed a set schedule, one in which I could easily plan for working out a few days a week. The first time was when my child started prexchool at the local YMCA. I would take the little one to the top floor for a few hours of play time and education, and I would head to the basement to exercise. It was great! I then supplemented this with step aerobics at home when I felt the urge to jump around when she wasn't in preschool.
The next time in my life was when she started at a different preschool and I was a nanny for other children her age. After taking everyone to their respective preschools, I would head to my neighborhood community center to exercise. I then went home (we had moved back in to my mom's where my brother also lived) to a quiet, empty house to spend an hour pampering myself. I'd crank up my music, shower, curl my hair, and dance. At noon I'd pick up the kiddies and start the second half of my day in very good spirits.
The third time was a few years later. I'd drop my child off at school and then head to campus where I worked and studied. Arriving a couple hours before my first class, I'd head to the gym to work out and then take time to shower. It was great. The rest of the day was filled with energy and a strong, positive mood that was useful for all the things I was juggling.
The one reason I'd stop, every time, is because I'd start a relationship and give up myself to the new man. However, the second time (as listed above) I was already in a relationship, and I felt myself drawing away from him. I felt so good about myself (exercise does wonders for my mood) that I started to not care about the relationship based on the fact that he wasn't giving me what I needed; I felt myself pulling away from him. When I realized this, that I no longer cared about being with him, it scared me to death, and I gave up working out so I could refocus on keeping him near me. Which brings me to a much deeper problem, how I find myself in relation to my relationships. There isn't one relationship that I've had, since childhood on, that hasn't proven to be highly conditional. This applies to parents, a grand-parent and siblings. Even when I've done nothing wrong except break the dysfunctional rules laid down by the other person (e.g. refuse to keep lying in order to even have a relationship), even when I've played their games to the best of my ability, every relationship has turned on me. So I guess it makes sense that the only time I could feel good enough about myself to focus on my health is when I've been single.
I've been in a difficult relationship for over 2 years now. Because he has done a LOT of work on himself, it is much better than it was, but I still find it impossible to let go and get lost in the zone that is necessary for dedicated weight-loss. Between that and my absolutely insane schedule, which doesn't allow for regular workouts, I just don't know what I'm going to do.
To be continued ...
Friday, December 10, 2010
Here I go again
261.2 (+2.2)
Frustrated. I've been hovering just above 260 for a while and anytime I dip below into the 250s it's only for a day. I have not eaten perfectly but I don't think I did so badly as to deserve a 2.2 lb. gain. :-(
I sat in bed last night with my book "The Beck Diet Solution" which consists of an daily to-do item for 30 days, each item taking the unhealthy eater closer to a permanent lifestyle change. The first step is to write down on a card the advantages of weight loss and healthy eating. This is to be kept in my wallet and read several times a day to remind me why I'm choosing to pass on the sweets and fried food. Many things I thought of really touched me, like wanting to be able to reach my feet. I have a hard time putting on socks and tennis shoes, and I can't even come close to doing my own pedicures.
So I'm committing myself to eat better, but honestly, I'm at work right now and I forgot my healthy lunch, so I have to go to the cafeteria. I already know that I'm going to get the chicken strips. They are fabulous and I haven't had them in weeks since I've been working from home so much. But, tonight I'm going to eat healthy. My man is staying the weekend with me and he's going to make burgers and fries, but I'm going to have a baked sweet potato (so yummy!) and a salad. That really sounds good to me whereas the burger and fries do not. Again, it's not perfection, but 3 chicken strips truly should not make that much of a difference. When I've lost weight before I allowed myself to enjoy small portions of less-than-healthy food.
LL xoxo
Frustrated. I've been hovering just above 260 for a while and anytime I dip below into the 250s it's only for a day. I have not eaten perfectly but I don't think I did so badly as to deserve a 2.2 lb. gain. :-(
I sat in bed last night with my book "The Beck Diet Solution" which consists of an daily to-do item for 30 days, each item taking the unhealthy eater closer to a permanent lifestyle change. The first step is to write down on a card the advantages of weight loss and healthy eating. This is to be kept in my wallet and read several times a day to remind me why I'm choosing to pass on the sweets and fried food. Many things I thought of really touched me, like wanting to be able to reach my feet. I have a hard time putting on socks and tennis shoes, and I can't even come close to doing my own pedicures.
So I'm committing myself to eat better, but honestly, I'm at work right now and I forgot my healthy lunch, so I have to go to the cafeteria. I already know that I'm going to get the chicken strips. They are fabulous and I haven't had them in weeks since I've been working from home so much. But, tonight I'm going to eat healthy. My man is staying the weekend with me and he's going to make burgers and fries, but I'm going to have a baked sweet potato (so yummy!) and a salad. That really sounds good to me whereas the burger and fries do not. Again, it's not perfection, but 3 chicken strips truly should not make that much of a difference. When I've lost weight before I allowed myself to enjoy small portions of less-than-healthy food.
LL xoxo
Sunday, December 5, 2010
I did it!!
259.0
Hiya!
I am pretty thrilled about losing 2.6 lbs this week. I'm not going to say that I did nothing, but I didn't do too terribly much. I've stopped eating so close to bedtime, and I've stopped eating 2nd helpings. I went out to lunch with my mother at Denny's a few days ago and none of the fried food (98% of the menu) looked even remotely appetizing. I did the Pick 4 breakfast slam and chose all of the healthier options, including a cup of fruit (I hate ordering fruit from restaurants because it's rarely ripe). I've been stopping eating (is that grammatically correct?) when I feel satisfied, and I've greatly reduced my intake of sugar while increasing fruits and veggies. Wow, now that I've typed all that out it looks as if I DID do a lot.
Let's not forget exercise. Last weekend I wanted to do The Biggest Loser's 500-step challenge so last Monday morning I did just that. I was soooo sore for the next few days, but I did it again Thursday and again today. I'm thrilled!!
My writing is going slow but I have been making progress and meeting my deadlines. I was a day early on my 20-page paper and spent all day Thursday peer editing and critiquing the papers of fellow students. I just finished another paper for tomorrow and I have one more to do before 3pm tomorrow. Then, oh boy, then I get back to my thesis.
Overall I had a great, successful last week. Let's see how the next one goes :-D
LL xoxo
Hiya!
I am pretty thrilled about losing 2.6 lbs this week. I'm not going to say that I did nothing, but I didn't do too terribly much. I've stopped eating so close to bedtime, and I've stopped eating 2nd helpings. I went out to lunch with my mother at Denny's a few days ago and none of the fried food (98% of the menu) looked even remotely appetizing. I did the Pick 4 breakfast slam and chose all of the healthier options, including a cup of fruit (I hate ordering fruit from restaurants because it's rarely ripe). I've been stopping eating (is that grammatically correct?) when I feel satisfied, and I've greatly reduced my intake of sugar while increasing fruits and veggies. Wow, now that I've typed all that out it looks as if I DID do a lot.
Let's not forget exercise. Last weekend I wanted to do The Biggest Loser's 500-step challenge so last Monday morning I did just that. I was soooo sore for the next few days, but I did it again Thursday and again today. I'm thrilled!!
My writing is going slow but I have been making progress and meeting my deadlines. I was a day early on my 20-page paper and spent all day Thursday peer editing and critiquing the papers of fellow students. I just finished another paper for tomorrow and I have one more to do before 3pm tomorrow. Then, oh boy, then I get back to my thesis.
Overall I had a great, successful last week. Let's see how the next one goes :-D
LL xoxo
Saturday, December 4, 2010
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