Feelings

Went to therapy this morning and it was a mild experience yet I have some very raw emotions hanging on and I'm not quite sure where they came from or why I'm feeling this way at all. I usually cry throughout my sessions but this time I didn't cry at all until I shared a couple of experiences about my mother. Yes, it seems that was it, but why now? I've shared these things with folks in the past and I didn't react this way.

I had scheduled myself to work today but felt drawn to my fave coffee house instead feeling that I want to be alone. At the coffee house, like in many crowds, I am left alone therefore I am in essence alone; I don't have to put on a happy face for anyone. However, it's bright and sunny here, there is folksy music playing, lots of trees to see and the sounds of the city flowing inside. It's vibrant, alive, and I need that right now too. I would go nuts sitting at home alone.

My mother reared her ugly head last weekend but used my daughter to try and get to me. Under the pretense of wanting to visit her, my mother instead talked about me to her. My daughter was very upset by this. She doesn't want to be involved, and I don't involve her. I didn't even tell her that I had stepped out of the family until she asked about it. Her life has been hard at times because of my relationship with my mother. I wish I had been stronger two decades ago in order to prevent hurting my daughter, but I have to forgive myself and be grateful that I'm gaining strength now.

I'm learning to appreciate who I am and forgive myself for things I've done. I take responsibility for things I've said and done, but I recognize that I wouldn't have done such things if my life had started out better. I try to find meaning in all that has happened to me and then why I survived it all. I've attempted suicide multiple times and never succeeded. Although broken, I am actually very strong and deeply compassionate. I wish, so much, that I was filthy rich so that I could help people all over the world. I feel the pain of people who are hungry, who are abused because they are in the wrong place at the wrong time, who are targeted to be victims because they were born with certain body parts, skin tones or in a warring country.

I don't know if I'm looking for reasons to be sad or just need to learn how to control my compassion, but I do know that I am focusing some of that compassion to myself. My friends have great things to say about me but I always push away the compliments, making excuses that they don't know who I really am and that if they did they wouldn't say such nice things. Today we discovered that there is a pattern to my responses to compliments: my mother has complimented, but then when my guard is down she attacks like a snake. About 15 years ago I was walking with her through the house she had just purchased when out of the blue she said that if I hadn't been "so money hungry" the abuse I suffered from a boyfriend when I was 17 would never have happened. We weren't talking about boyfriends, abuse or my past, she just attacked me. That's another message she's always sent me: that I am responsible for the bad things that have happened to me. I've always felt that she can't handle the responsibility she has for everything that has happened to me, so maybe this is her way of deflecting it from herself--blame me and therefore she won't need to blame herself.

I am the one child of hers that she's always dumped on. When I was a child she told me in anger that she would have aborted me if she had known she was pregnant, but that by the time she realized it, it was too late. I was shocked when I found out I was pregnant and I wasn't sure what I would do. I couldn't fathom abortion but if I had considered it there is no way I'd tell my daughter that. Being a mother has been tough at times but I've never wished she wasn't in my life. I don't know. My mother is a bad person, plain and simple. She needs me in her life so she has someone to beat up (figuratively) but I'm not going to be that person for her anymore. Not her, not anyone.

I've asked her for years to please treat me better, to love me, to appreciate me, to show some remorse for her choices/mistakes, but she has always refused. I don't know who reads this, but I'm making it clear that I want nothing to do with her or my sisters ever again. They've all made me small and unimportant even though I've fought and begged for better. Not one of them has attempted to contact me (my brother has, which says so much about him), so it's clear there is no love lost. If I die tomorrow, my mother and sisters are not welcome to the funeral. If any of them dies I will not attend theirs. I don't believe in being fake just because someone dies. If I'm not good enough for them in life, then so be it.

I'm getting stronger, but it's not always easy. That is where I am today. So I'm taking care of myself until I feel better. I love me and I'm worth it. I'm awesome damnit!

LL xoxo

So How'd I do on Those Goals?

Here's the list of goals I set for myself May 14 (4.5 months ago) and whether or not I met them:

Attend "Bye Bye Birdie," the last show of the summer, at the Muny. I did not do this. I stopped losing weight and, even though a friend said that the paid seats are bigger (there are free seats and paid seats), I didn't want to risk it.

Attend a show at the Fox Theater. We didn't go this summer but there is a show coming this month that I think "A" would enjoy. The only thing holding me back is money.

Take two out-of-town trips. Went to Branson in June and had a great time. Unfortunately had to cancel the trip to Colorado because of money.

Do a bit of yard work. I just did this one yesterday! LOL

Spend some time with friends. Of the seven friends I listed, I spent time with three of them. I would say it was due to my schedule (which is true) but I'm just now learning how to manipulate my schedule so that it works FOR me and not against me, and that's the real issue of why I didn't see more of my friends. --> On a side note, I spent time with a friend I haven't seen in a year because she stopped including me in her life (no emails, stopped asking for help with things, etc.). We emailed a couple of times after that but I didn't get a response to the last one. Truth is, I don't miss her. She (like all of us) has changed and we aren't in the same place. I think she's become much more rigid in how she lives her life and she doesn't seem interested in having me be a part of it. It's hard to admit but I'm really O.K. with this. I've debated whether or not to inviter her to the wedding and I've decided not to. It's time to move on.

Read. I did this! I read a couple of leisurely books and when time permits during the school year I'll continue to do this.

LL xoxo

Quick Update (depends on your idea of quick I suppose) LOL

Wow, what a month September was for me. Rather than ramble on for an hour, I'm gonna write with concise, direct bullet points to make it easier to catch up :-)

• Weight: doing very well actually. I lost 20 pounds last spring and I'm sure I put a few back on, but my increased activity level lately has brought it back to the 20-pound-loss mark.
• Diet: for practical reasons I had to abandon the low-carb diet. My life is chaotic and fast-paced, and it's impossible to follow this diet every second of every day. Also there's the issue of my budget. I have lots of pasta in the house that can be combined with inexpensive grocery store purchases to make meals, so that's what I've been doing.
• Money: I have far less left over from my student loan refund than I had planned, but amazingly I DO still have a wee bit. I've been doing very well with it so far and will hopefully not have to touch it.
• Schedule(s): I've finally worked out a fabulous schedule for myself that balances work, volunteering, school and . . . wait for it . . . free time! Last semester and all summer I had to work most weekends in order to get all of my hours in, but this is now the second weekend in a row that I've not had to do that. Next week I'll actually get all of my hours in by Thursday, so I'll have Friday off. Did you catch that? I'll have a 3-DAY WEEKEND!! I'll probably spend Friday doing schoolwork at my favorite coffee house, so I'll combine a responsibility with a fabulous treat! :-)
• Family: My brother reached out to me, so we spent some time together. We haven't been close since we were children, so it was awkward but also nice. He said that he doesn't get involved in what's being said by our mother and sisters and that he really just doesn't care. We haven't talked much since then, but it's good knowing that he cares.
• Daughter: She's doing so well. She left home for about a month (typical teenage rebellion) but she's back and has been respectful ever since. She's asked me to join her on two shopping trips, and she's talking to me, sharing parts of her life with me, like she used to, oh, 6 years ago (yeah, it's been that long). She has two jobs and is a full-time student. I worry about her but am so proud of her at the same time. She, like myself, is also learning to budget her money better and make better choices. I'm beaming!
• Cats: I have six now. I adopted the last two that I was fostering. This has been their home for months and I honestly was concerned about them having to readjust somewhere else. They are a part of our family.
• Roommate: My bff is renting a room from me and it has been an adjustment but, after 6 weeks, it's all falling into place. I enjoy having the extra activity/life in the house. :-)
• School: Doing well
• Work: Great, terrific, awesome as usual :-)
• Home: I've been making efforts to keep it clean, which means getting off the couch and doing some work. Some days it's frustrating but mostly it's great.
• Fiance: Just cuz he's at the bottom of this list does not mean he's last on my mind. We are doing so very well. He's been tested for autism and it has been suggested to us twice that he may have Asberger's. Final results aren't in yet, but it's so helpful knowing what's going on. Friends and family are being very supportive and we're learning a lot about how to work together.
• Wardrobe: Yes, I'm talking about my clothes. I never, ever put myself first with anything, so buying clothes is a BIG deal. Of course it's not just about doing something for myself but to prepare for my future career. I have to dress for the job I want and that's what I'm doing. I actually have 3 career jackets! When I dress for work now, I feel like a professional :-)
• Bills: all paid (can you believe it?)
• Physical activity: As previously written, I'm much more active than I've been in the past. I've been getting up and doing more things, like yesterday . . . I did some yardwork and made the outside look as good as the inside.
• Therapy: It's going VERY well. I realized for the first time that I have anxiety issues. I've always thought of it as stress, and that is what causes the anxiety, but stress is less controllable than anxiety. Stress has led me to feeling anxious and having frequent anxiety attacks (again, something I've never noticed). Realizing this has helped me start learning how to overcome it. I feel it coming on and I'm able to take a moment to push it away and calm down. In the past I'd feel it coming on and just freak out, but now I see that I don't have to let it take over, that I am strong enough to handle stress. Part of this is putting myself first and accepting that as a human I have limitations. I expect great things from myself, I still have high standards, but I've made them more realistic. It's all good man!
• Depression: It's still here. Last week I was caught offguard for a couple of days, but I worked my way through it. Honestly, I still have my "plan" if I ever need it. Knowing it's there is a great comfort for me because it lets me know that I am not a victim, I am not stuck or trapped in this life. I have another option. However, just knowing that has made living my life and facing the bad stuff much easier. My thoughts have gone from, "This sucks, I'm forced to do a, b and c" to "I can handle this. This is my life and it's O.K." In other words, knowing that I have a backup "plan," a.k.a. another option, makes my current life also seem like an option, a choice, as opposed to something forced upon me. Does that make sense?
• Marriage: I'm really looking forward to being married to my man. He is wonderful, has put up with a lot from me, and yet he loves me to death and does anything I ask him. I don't do yardwork alone. Heck, I am never alone if I don't want to be. He is amazing and I'm so grateful that he chose me to be his woman and life partner. <3

So I'm just gonna keep plugging away and doing what I need to do to feel good about myself and my life.

What to say, what to say . . .

The past few weeks have been alright. I felt some depression kicking in again (although not as bad as the time before) and I started to notice a pattern to what triggers it, so I made an appointment with a therapist to help me work through it. It's been almost 5 months since I stopped interacting with my family, and that distance has allowed me to really learn about who I am. I actually feel very good about this because I believe that I'm getting close to the end of dealing with the past and therefore being able to, for the first time in my life, enjoy the present and look to the future with a big dumb grin on my face.

I met my therapist last week and I love her! She's much younger than me, something I've never experienced, but it's part of me getting older. As I get older, bosses, doctors and other professionals will just get younger. I wasn't sure if this young student would be able to help me, but she's wonderful (thank you powers-that-be!).

Much has happened in the past few weeks, far more than I can or want to write about, but it's mostly been good. Even the not-so-good has been part of the bigger picture of "good."

:-D

Things are going well. Let me clarify--my outlook on the chaos in my life is going well. I have a busy, full, chaotic life and it's normal for me to rush around in order to leave the house on time, or to forget something from my huge, ever-changing to-do list, and this week has been no different. What has been different is my attitude towards it.

I'm also learning how to prioritize for me. I have a friend who is always getting involved in things--volunteering with: a cat shelter, community theater and a crisis hotline; attending various events, participating in yoga classes, etc. I asked her recently how she does it all while taking care of her adult responsibilities because for me, the adult responsibilities never allow me time for much else. She explained that she would go nuts if she didn't balance her life with things outside of work and home. She admitted that her house is pretty cluttered most days, and I admitted that I spend a lot of time trying to keep my house clean, that I can't stand clutter. She said that I need to find what's important to me and not be concerned with anything else.

That was a few weeks ago and I've just started putting it into action. About 2 weeks ago I decided to spend a few hours cleaning (even dusting which I NEVER do). I thought about what I was doing as I did it and noticed that I feel a connection with myself when I clean. My home is me, everything in it is a part of me, so caring for my home is in actuality caring for me. I feel so good when I walk into a clutter-free, clean home--it's inviting and feels like open arms welcoming me in. Like life, I sometimes have to purge what's no longer working, letting go of things that I've needlessly held onto for too long. When I toss these things into the trash, my spirit is lifted. A few months ago I had to toss away cetain family members that were weighing me down, and my spirit was lifted then too.

One of my biggest mental poblems is thinking of all that I'm not doing/getting done while doing something else (not doing homework while gocery shopping, not cleaning while doing homework, etc.), and wondering how what I'm doing will be accepted in the world (i.e. clean house but fat body). We live in a world where everything is seen and judged. We can't watch a commercial without being told we aren't good enough. I see photos of celebrities with gogeous culs in their hai and I feel small because my fine, staight hair won't hold curls. The other day I realized that my hair is fine the way it is. I can wash it, brush it, and let it air dry, or I can blowdry it in five minutes and add a bit of body to it. Because I CAN'T spend hours at a time styling my hair, I'm freed up for other things (plus I can drive with the car windows down on a nice day).

This has been sort of all over the place, but this is where my mind is right now too, so, yeah . . .

:-D

So how is life? It's messy, in every sense of the word. I cleaned my house from top to bottom a few days ago, and you can't even tell. No matter how much I plan for things, all I can expect is the unexpected. The past few weeks have brought many challenges, but I've handled far better than expected. I sank into depression for about a week and felt suicidal but pulled myself out of it (again). My cat was dying and I made the choice to euthenize him, through which I discovered that the "hard choices" really aren't so hard when love is the driving force. Exactly one week later one of my other cats broke his leg at the hip and had to have emergency surgery. I've missed a week of work and stayed home to play nursemaid, and he seems to be doing pretty well.

I graduated with my 2nd of 3 degrees on Saturday and family and friends were there (family = my child and fiance's family). I had a great weekend actually. After graduation we all went to lunch and then toured the site where the wedding will be. The next day I went rafting with the fiance and best friend (haven't done that in over 10 years). There have been challenges but nothing I couldn't handle. I'm in the process of rethinking how I handle things, some of which I'll write about at another time. But for now, my life is messy which means it's far from boring.

LL xoxo

Where to Go from Here . . .

The past few weeks have been challenging, to say the least, but the important part is that I have worked through it and come out stronger on the other side. During this, however, I really began to question the purpose of life. Join me on this thoughtful journey of one of humanity's oldest questions.

Does life matter if no one sees what you're doing? Is life meant to be completely experienced alone (e.g. your experiences are your own), and if so, what is the point? Whether there is life after death or not, what is the point of even being here?

Sure, I can have children, design or build bridges, write novels, crossbreed plants to make better fruits and vegetables, but again, for what purpose? We talk about leaving a mark and making things better for the following generations, but those people are going to die someday too, and their experiences will also cease to matter.

I know this is pretty abstract, but stay with me for a minute. If I read a book a week for the rest of my life, what purpose does it serve? I learn lots of things, my mind expands and begins to view certain ideas differently. But then one day I die and all of that learning dies with me. There is no guarantee that I'm going to share what I've read with anyone. I don't have a job where my thoughts about the books' topics will matter. I read because I like to, building up decades of intelligent, critical thought, but then it goes away with my last breath. It seems no different than spending decades collecting anything, anything at all, just to have it all completely and instantly destroyed. That is the point--anything we do, no matter how well we do it, makes no difference in the end. Maybe it does to other people for a while, but they will die too and will lose whaterver benefit they received.

We can say that bringing joy to a person while alive IS the point, but isn't that just killing time pleasurably? I'm here by accident, I didn't choose life, and I certainly didn't choose THIS life (the year I was born, the family and country I was born into, the wealth or poverty level I was born into, etc.), but the fact is, I am here. Now what do I do?

Two weeks ago I was feeling so low that I planned the perfect suicide, quick, relatively painless, and away from everyone so a) I couldn't be stopped and b) no one would have to pay for a funeral. I had reached one of my lowest points having been rejected by my last family member and doubting I could ever trust another person very close to me. I decided that I was tired of fighting, that I had given it my best and a good, happy life was just not meant to be. I'm going to die someday anyway, why not just move up the date and do it on my own terms?

When I hit this point, I felt very peaceful, very hopeful for the first time in a while. It felt right and it made complete sense. So why did I change my mind? There were some logistics involved in my plan which included going very far from home to a place no one would ever think to look for me, but that meant having the money to get there. Getting there meant traveling, finding places where I could sleep and eat along the way. I would have several thousand dollars and, as I mentioned earlier, I couldn't take it with me, so why not spend, spend, spend . . . live lavishly for my last few days? Death row inmates receive their perfect meals just before execution, so if they can do it, why couldn't I?

Along this line of thinking, I realized I'd have enough money to live lavishly for several weeks. My dreams of what I could do in my final days grew in a couple of ways. First, I could visit places, taste food and feel things that I never had (and probably never would if I worked and planned for a future, thus saved money more than enjoyed it). But second and more importantly--and this is the thought that led me to choose life--if I'm willing to die and leave everything behind anyway, why not live a bit longer and do the things I would otherwise never do? Instead of living lavishly for a month, take the money and live in Europe for 6-12 months. Death is always within reach so I can do it any time, a month from now or a year from now. Either way, I wanted to treat myself to things I would otherwise not have given myself permission to do.

I know this has been a bit long and may have been hard to follow, but stay with me because there is a point to all of this. I am a very logical person, to the point of having lost my sense of humor and ability to really laugh over the past few years. What I've explained thus far is pretty logical, yeah? So here I am, imagining my life in Europe before The Big Day. I see myself waking up with nothing but time on my hands. I can get up early and welcome the sunrise as it stretches across rooftops and city streets. I saw myself walking to the local bakery or coffee shop where I'd sit peacefully (peacefully! A key word here because this is something I NEVER feel), calmly eating a small breakfast item while sipping coffee. I'd walk all day, slowly, not fast like I usually do. I'd visit historic places, take long rides on buses, and even spend time in the countryside with the many shades of green that are found in the innocence of nature. The importance of this dream is that no one, no one at all, would know what I was doing. Therefore, for the fist time in my life, I'd be doing something JUST FOR ME. There would be no thoughts of, "I can't wait to tell him about this!" or "I can't do that because it will cause them to talk down to me even more."

This brings me full circle to the things that put me into a suicidal frame of mind in the first place. I've never been allowed or encouraged to simply enjoy my life and to be satisfied and proud with whatever I choose to do. I've always reached for the big things believing that my life doesn't matter unless I make it matter. It would not be enough to have a clean but dusty house. It would never be enough to read books just for the sake of reading them. It would never be enough to raise a child with a smile on my face and in my heart; there has to be misery involved. And it certainly would never be enough for me to survive my past, I'd always be reminded of it, one way or another (or because someone would callously bring it up to me). Why would I have to end my life to enjoy my life? Why do people change when they see the end is near? Why not change anyway, whether death is today or 50 years away? Apologize now, eat now, live now. That is what I have decided to do. Let it all go so that I can live with my heart more than my head.

So what is the meaning of life? I am no closer to understanding this than I was two weeks ago, but today, right now, I am choosing life over death. Knowing that death is a very real option, one that I can turn to at any moment, has renewed my drive for life. Why? Because being alive is the choice I made, today, right now. When life becomes a choice instead of a punishment (which is what it has felt like for most of my time here), it becomes more enjoyable. I've always loved eating at buffets, not because they are all-you-can-eat, but because I have choices. A regular meal is decided (i.e. preset) for you with either fries OR a baked potato, but with the buffet I can have both. Of course I can always choose more chicken if I'm not in the mood for starch; again, something you can't do with a regular dinner.
For now, death is off the table. I want to see where my life will take me, or more accurately, where I will choose for my life to go. Living in Europe is still a consideration. I feel that the world, the entire world, is now open to me and that I can do what I want regardless of what anyone around me says. I've shaken myself free of the dead weight (haha, no pun intended) and I'm not looking back.

Anyone who doesn't like it can just kiss my ass ;-)