I am really bogged down right now with schoolwork. I have three graduate courses that I need to write for, ranging from a 5-page book report to a 30-40-page graduate thesis. The small assignments aren't too hard of course, but the thesis (it's actually a research project but that doesn't resonate the same as calling it a thesis) needs sooo much attention. I still have to enter a bit more data into the stats program so I can complete analysis, and I have to send the coding system to a friend so he can try it out (to see if the coding system is valid--if we write down mostly the same answers, then it's a sign that I've done well), and I have to write, write write until the freakin' cows come home. I have about 4 weeks to get this all done, and the smaller assignments are due in a couple of weeks. This mad rush of adrenaline, excitement and stress is how all of my semesters end up, and ever semester I experience a sort of academic overload that prevents me from all other logical thinking. I forget the names of certain things, I've locked my keys in the car (and really didn't care) because I was so exhausted--a friend told me that her roommate forgot how to use the microwave one semester! It really does happen folks, and it's nuts.
I've told my boyfriend that he should not expect very much from me until this is all over. This is his 5th time going through this with me, so he should be O.K. He wants to spend the weekend with me (which is not a great idea) and I told him he's welcome to be there but that he absolutely cannot talk to me or stop me for anything. I am in total academic mode and during these times it's sort of like asking a surgeon during a brain operation what he/she would like for dinner. I don't have time for that little stuff right now, and I can't afford the interruptions (since the work I'm doing is all in my head and I can't have those trains of thoughts cut off).
I'd love to hear from anyone else who has experienced this, with school or anything at all. I get like this with other things on a lesser scale, like when I'm running my home (cleaning, planning for the week, making calls and sending emails, etc.) or focused on work projects. It's just how I am, but I think it's a good way to be. I trust my judgment and organization skills enough to know that when I get like this, I'm working efficiently and successfully.
So let's talk about weight issues. I've been eating a LOT of junk this past week, and honestly, this stressful time is not the time to worry about changing it. I always give myself permission to set aside those thoughts because I really can't afford the added stress from feeling guilty about eating french fries. Funny thing is that by doing this, I sometimes choose to eat well anyway, but because I want to. See the diff?
I was watching T.V. last night (after a VERY long day) and I started looking at my stomach. It looks like the kind of stomach I've always said I'd never have. As I sat there, it jutted out from me, starting from beneath my chest and making a smooth curve into my crotch (sorry, graphic, I know, but I'm not posting pics, so .... ). I saw this and wondered what it looks like to other people, especially my daughter and my boyfriend. I wonder how they never get disgusted by me as I sit back in the corner of the couch looking like a beached whale. I hated how my mother looked (but then again, she thought she was all that and it just freaked me out when she clearly wasn't) so I don't understand how I'm not an embarrassment to my own daughter.
What was the most interesting though was that I didn't feel like I was looking at myself but somehow separated from it. I was there logically assessing my size and shape but I was not emotionally there. I thought at the time that I need to take pics of myself looking this way so that I can face it and get inspired to make changes, but that scared me. I would break down and feel hopeless if I really knew how I look. Of course I need to know because I do need to make changes, so I'm going to think on this for a while and work up the courage to do something.
Goals for today:
- work on my to-do list
- make significant progress with my 12-page paper (it's due Sunday night)
- have fun with friends tonight before starting a big, long weekend/two weeks of insane schoolwork
- be good to myself, love myself, and accept who I am and what I look like (it's the first step--hatred never works)
- being healthy
- having friends and loved ones who do not judge me for my weight
- having the ability to get through this tough (academic) time
- having all the necessities for myself and my daughter even though I'm currently broke. I've been getting stronger about how I handle the money I get each semester and it has made a big difference for me and my daughter (car breaks down, I can fix it; cat gets sick, it goes to the vet).
- knowing that I'm going to see my ENTIRE FAMILY next week on Thanksgiving (haven't seen my sister for 2.5 years because she holds a grudge). My brother has a girlfriend with 2 kids and they are all coming too. There are 4 of us kids (3 girls 1 boy) and there has never been a time when we've all been together WITH significant others, so this will be great!!
LL xoxo
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