Those of us who overeat are not clueless about nutrition. We know that a well-made salad is better for us than diner food, it just doesn't have the same emotional impact (and from what I understand there is also a real physical impact, I'm just not qualified to even attempt to write about it). Going to a fitness center to exercise was nothing, there was no struggle to switch from couch potato to workout warrior, but food, that was a serious battle, and once you read some of the oh-so-embarrassing things I've done, you might understand just how deeply this problem ran.
It's understood that I ate the worst foods I could get my hands on, but it's how I did it that shines a light on the serious problem I had:
- Eating two meals back-to-back: Eating dinner in the car on the way home knowing that I'd be having dinner with other people a short time later. Either I was too hungry to wait, or I was in need of a major food fix.
- Eating in secret: This happened several times a week, maybe even daily. I could go hog wild with way too much food and no one was the wiser. At work I'd get some things from the snack machine and sneak them into my office. On the way home I'd pick up some snacks and sneak them into the house, hiding them so no one would know. If I had the night to myself, well lookout, that's when I'd stock up on chips and chocolate and pick up some appetizers from a nearby restaurant. To cover this up though, I'd get creative about discarding the evidence (you see, it's not a secret if someone can see what I had eaten).
- Eating waaaay past satisfaction: I didn't know how to stop. I'd try, but I just couldn't. Image trying to throw away some money--it would not feel right. That's how I felt. I just couldn't do it. The scary part of this is that on countless occasions I've been so overstuffed that I've aspirated in my sleep. I'd wake up coughing and choking and my lungs would be burning from the acid that had gotten into them. As frightening as this was, it didn't stop me from doing it again. I'd simply prop myself up on a bunch of pillows in the hopes it wouldn't happen again.
- Eating food from the garbage can: I would see food in a container (e.g. mini doughnuts in a closed bag) and take it out of the trash. There were lots of times when I tried to show some self control after buying too many treats by throwing them away, but I learned that I had to open the containers and let the stuff fall into the other trash so that I wouldn't go back for it later.
Since yesterday I've been thinking about whether or not to share that last part; it's beyond embarrassing. However, this is a sign of how serious the problem was. Food was my cocaine, and like any drug addict, I'd go to great and desperate measures to get my fix. This might be a good time to remind you that I had undiagnosed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for 24 years, and I used food to push down the terrible emotions that were always with me. I was in and out of counseling for almost 20 of those years (was only ever diagnosed with depression) and was often times suicidal. Taking food out of a trash can was a desperate attempt to handle a desperate situation.
In the past three years I've taken steps to take back my life. I no longer have PTSD (YAY!!) and I've removed the responsible parties from my life for good. Most recently I've learned that what I feel and want do indeed matter which led me to make one final change. After that, I felt like my life was taking off and got over my last hurdle with food.
Now I eat well because I am well. I feel great and I only want things and people in my life that are going to support that. I wrote all of this because I want to let other over eaters know that they are not the only ones, and that there is no struggle too big to overcome. I shouldn't even be alive. I don't know why I am, but I know that I'm not wasting one more day of this precious life I have, and I truly hope that others are able to find their way to this point because I've gotta tell ya, it can be downright amazing.
:-D
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