268.2
As you know I'm in the process of doing a Life Inventory in order to make necssary changes and identify the strengths that will get me where I want to be. I've been eating much better. I was even 2 hours late to work yesterday because I made from scratch several healthy food items: oatmeal for breakfast (with a chopped apple and agave) and chicken salad (so delicious!! LOVE the recipe I found). This worked well in that I was never starving and therefore never overate. I wasn't even hungry at dinner time (YAY!!), not that I'm trying to skip meals, but nighttime is the WORST for me, so I know I'm on the right track.
However there is one problem that I have GOT to fix ASAP: swollen ankles. As a student, I sit. For my job, I sit. And when I sit, my ankles swell. Not only is it uncomfortable, it prevents me from doing just about anything other than more sitting. I wanted to go to the library after work last night but I was so uncomfortable that I had to go home and prop my feet up. If I would have continued to sit as I had been, my calves would have swelled too. This makes my jeans extremely tight (which certainly just makes it all worse), and I can't walk because I can't bend at the ankle and can't stretch my calves. See? It sucks.
I used to take prescribed water pills, but we lost our health insurance, so that't not an option. Last week I bought some OTC water pills, and even after taking 3x the allowed dosage my ankles continued to swell.
Because of all this I've decided to go back on the Atkin's diet. I did it about 15 years ago and interestingly after about 3-4 days, all the extra water left my body (you know how) and my ankles . . . oh my wonderful ankles . . . they came back! I saw the bones and could wiggle my feet :-D It was wonderful! I had read the book and this was not one of the intended effects of this diet, so it was a great surprise.
So for the next two weeks I'm in the induction phase, which is pretty common for a lot of diets. I see it as a cleansing phase, one that shocks the system. Luckily the diet has been recently modified so no more eating any kind of meat or fat I can get my hands on. Now it's healthier, unprocessed meat. Also, it used to be that only meat and fat were allowed during the induction, but now it states that I must eat 12-15 grams of healthy carbs per day (vegetables), and I'm so glad about that. No fruit or anything containing any sugar at all.
This may or may not all make sense. I'm not being as picky about my writing as usual because I don't feel well. I didn't sleep well at all last night. I'm tired of being tired (oh that's another wonderful side effect of Atkin's--the burst of energy that hits a few days in). Right now I don't even want to leave the house. Just thinking of it is overwhelming me, but all that's for another post :-D
LL xoxo
LIVIN' LARGE: Big changes for living big lives
Friday, April 8, 2011
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Let's Analyze Yesterday, Shall We???
There are a few things that I'm working on, all of which support the other things, all of which point the big goal of improving my quality of life. It's ony been a few days but I've been waking up every day with a passion for what I'm doing.
Calories
I ate over 3,000 calories yesterday, but it wasn't the quantity, it was the quality of the food. In all I had 2.5 hamburgers, french fries, popcorn, 2 apples and a sweet potato. If you spread out that quantity over the day it's not bad. It's just what the food was. Well you see, I'm not stupid. I knew that the fat content and calories were far more than I should have been ingesting. I always know. But rather than just "know," I've started recording what I eat on FitDay.com so that I can see how many calories and where those calories are from. Yesterday I ate 50% more calories than the day before.
Timing
I skipped breakfast because I had an early meeting. I wasn't hungry and didn't really think about it. If I had, I would've done what I always do--assumed there was nothing I could put together and eat quickly and skip it anyway. I also would've just made plans to go to lunch or brunch after the meeting. Guess what? This just makes me hungrier, more desperate for calories, and no matter the good intentions I have, I always, ALWAYS go for the most calorie dense food, and too much of it.
I have a late class on Tuesdays, so I took a baked sweet potato to eat while at work as well as 2 apples to eat during the class break. I knew I'd still want to eat something when I got home (which is after my 9p cutoff for eating) but I figured I'd just have the salad that's sitting in the fridge. Well on the way home I called my boyfriend and got upset with him. Before I got off the phone, the oil for the french fries was heating up on the stove and I was making patties out of ground beef for the hamburgers. I knew what I was doing and why, I just didn't care.
I made three burgers and ate around 10:30, 1.5 hours past my cutoff time. I wanted more fries but decided to eat another hamburger. They were sitting there, not being eaten. I thought about how I could aspirate from eating too close to bedtime, but I did it anyway. Wanna know what I did to prevent aspirating? I slept on the couch. I can sleep on my side better on the couch than the bed because I can put my weight against the back of the couch, which then sort of props me up. Also, the center of the couch sinks a bit, so that puts my stomach lower than my head, so I don't aspirate. Sad, isn't it?
Sleep
I was so tired from not getting enough rest the night before, and at midnght my body was ready to sleep. I did a few things around the house and then watched 2 too many episodes of Third Rock from the Sun, so I didn't go to sleep until 1a.m.
Focusing on the Positives
Because I don't expect to be perfect, because I understand that I will reach my goals by making small changes, by not allowing myself to use the mistakes and shortcomings as tools for self-abuse, and by not allowing the downfalls to to keep me from continuing on my journey . . . here are the things that I'm proud of from yesterday:
I'm writing this while sitting at Panera. I came her to eat (skipped breakfast, again) and do homework. I wasn't sure how I'd do with the calories, but I came in knowing that I'd skip the pastries. To my wonderful surprise, I saw that they've added the calories of each item next to each item listed on the menu. Oh Happy Day!! I actually ordered by the numbers! I chose the lowest calorie soup and the lowest calorie sandwich (tuna salad of all things); however I did get chips for the side ;-) I then went online and added this to today's food diary, and so far I've had 500 calories, 32% of it from fat. Not bad!! Yesterday half of my calories were from fat. So if I eat well for dinner and a snack, I'm sure that 32% will drop some. YAY!!!
LL xoxo
Calories
I ate over 3,000 calories yesterday, but it wasn't the quantity, it was the quality of the food. In all I had 2.5 hamburgers, french fries, popcorn, 2 apples and a sweet potato. If you spread out that quantity over the day it's not bad. It's just what the food was. Well you see, I'm not stupid. I knew that the fat content and calories were far more than I should have been ingesting. I always know. But rather than just "know," I've started recording what I eat on FitDay.com so that I can see how many calories and where those calories are from. Yesterday I ate 50% more calories than the day before.
Timing
I skipped breakfast because I had an early meeting. I wasn't hungry and didn't really think about it. If I had, I would've done what I always do--assumed there was nothing I could put together and eat quickly and skip it anyway. I also would've just made plans to go to lunch or brunch after the meeting. Guess what? This just makes me hungrier, more desperate for calories, and no matter the good intentions I have, I always, ALWAYS go for the most calorie dense food, and too much of it.
I have a late class on Tuesdays, so I took a baked sweet potato to eat while at work as well as 2 apples to eat during the class break. I knew I'd still want to eat something when I got home (which is after my 9p cutoff for eating) but I figured I'd just have the salad that's sitting in the fridge. Well on the way home I called my boyfriend and got upset with him. Before I got off the phone, the oil for the french fries was heating up on the stove and I was making patties out of ground beef for the hamburgers. I knew what I was doing and why, I just didn't care.
I made three burgers and ate around 10:30, 1.5 hours past my cutoff time. I wanted more fries but decided to eat another hamburger. They were sitting there, not being eaten. I thought about how I could aspirate from eating too close to bedtime, but I did it anyway. Wanna know what I did to prevent aspirating? I slept on the couch. I can sleep on my side better on the couch than the bed because I can put my weight against the back of the couch, which then sort of props me up. Also, the center of the couch sinks a bit, so that puts my stomach lower than my head, so I don't aspirate. Sad, isn't it?
Sleep
I was so tired from not getting enough rest the night before, and at midnght my body was ready to sleep. I did a few things around the house and then watched 2 too many episodes of Third Rock from the Sun, so I didn't go to sleep until 1a.m.
Focusing on the Positives
Because I don't expect to be perfect, because I understand that I will reach my goals by making small changes, by not allowing myself to use the mistakes and shortcomings as tools for self-abuse, and by not allowing the downfalls to to keep me from continuing on my journey . . . here are the things that I'm proud of from yesterday:
- eating something healthy
- taking food with me to work and class to aleviate late-night hunger
- cooking at home
- going to bed an hour earlier than usual
- tracking my calories
I'm writing this while sitting at Panera. I came her to eat (skipped breakfast, again) and do homework. I wasn't sure how I'd do with the calories, but I came in knowing that I'd skip the pastries. To my wonderful surprise, I saw that they've added the calories of each item next to each item listed on the menu. Oh Happy Day!! I actually ordered by the numbers! I chose the lowest calorie soup and the lowest calorie sandwich (tuna salad of all things); however I did get chips for the side ;-) I then went online and added this to today's food diary, and so far I've had 500 calories, 32% of it from fat. Not bad!! Yesterday half of my calories were from fat. So if I eat well for dinner and a snack, I'm sure that 32% will drop some. YAY!!!
LL xoxo
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Gettin' ready for bed. I'm finally tired, really tired. Could've gone to sleep an hour ago but I wanted to straighten up and then work on my food diary and blog. Well, this'll be short cuz like I said, I'm tired.
I had 3,222 calories today. I ate 2.5 hamburgers which I figure was about a pound of hamburger meat. I also had a bunch of french fries again. I know what the issues were that led up to my eating 1.5 hamburgers and fries at 10:30pm:
Well I'm off to bed.
LL xoxo
I had 3,222 calories today. I ate 2.5 hamburgers which I figure was about a pound of hamburger meat. I also had a bunch of french fries again. I know what the issues were that led up to my eating 1.5 hamburgers and fries at 10:30pm:
- had a late class
- wanted something to eat when I got home but the only meat thawed out was ground beef, so I made burgers.
Well I'm off to bed.
LL xoxo
I only got 4 hours of sleep last night, if you can even call it sleep. I've had insomnia for weeks and it pretty much sucks. I'm not able to go to sleep until 2a.m., I toss and turn (or even worse, I get up several times), and then I "sleep" until about 10a.m. When I finally get up, I'm so tired that it can take hours for me to be functional. Then I've only got a few hours to do everything and the cycle starts all over again.
I attended a bi-monthly meeting this morning that started at 8a.m. Now given what I just shared with you, you can imagine how important this must have been for me to push myself to go after just 4 hours in bed. I'm back home now, had a bite to eat, and am going to take a nap so that I can make it through work and class (which ends at 9:40p.m.).
As I am apt to do, I've been thinking about my life inventory. I realized that the hardest thing to do when making a change in yourself is to balance the realization of how messed up you are while loving yourself enough to let go of it and move forward. There are no full-length mirrors in my house, so when I get ready to go somewhere all I see is my head. I fix my hair and put on makeup that brings out my eyes. I look in the medicine cabinet mirror and smile, seeing the pretty, honest face that I've just decorated. I put on dress clothes, nice heels and some earings. I feel good, I walk tall, and I tell myself that I'm going to impress with my professional look and attitude.
But on ocassion I walk by a glass door or well-polished glossy sign and I catch (or more acurately, I avoid) a glimpse of myself. When I approach glass doors I focus on doorframe so that I won't see how bad I look. Well this morning as I was leaving the meeting, I walked past one of those large, black, well-polished signs. I saw how big I am. Round actually. *Sigh* I had just introduced myself to the chair of a committee I want to join and he was rather unreceptive. Could it be because I don't look as professional as I feel?
I walked out to my car thinking about how I had just seen what I really look like. I faced it and accepted it. I then immediately moved on to how good I feel that I've started this process of making myself better. That's when I realized that there has to be a balance between facing who I am, the bad choices that got me here, the terrible emotions that pushed me to overeat, and how physically debilitated I've become. I'm finally facing the reality that is my future if I don't reverse the damge I've done . . . if I don't put a halt to the imminent downfall of my health.
I've tried doing this before, but I guess I wasn't ready until now. Of course, I wasn't as bad off as I am now. I'm about 10 lbs heavier than I've ever been. The limitations it's having on my life is greater than ever. I guess that was OK for a while when I was retreating further and further from life, my friends and opportunities, but now I see all that I'm missing. I want to travel and visit places. To do that I have to be able to fit into seats. I also need the energy and stamina to move. I'll have to climb stairs or hike up to a waterfall or take long walks around a new city.
LL xoxo
I attended a bi-monthly meeting this morning that started at 8a.m. Now given what I just shared with you, you can imagine how important this must have been for me to push myself to go after just 4 hours in bed. I'm back home now, had a bite to eat, and am going to take a nap so that I can make it through work and class (which ends at 9:40p.m.).
As I am apt to do, I've been thinking about my life inventory. I realized that the hardest thing to do when making a change in yourself is to balance the realization of how messed up you are while loving yourself enough to let go of it and move forward. There are no full-length mirrors in my house, so when I get ready to go somewhere all I see is my head. I fix my hair and put on makeup that brings out my eyes. I look in the medicine cabinet mirror and smile, seeing the pretty, honest face that I've just decorated. I put on dress clothes, nice heels and some earings. I feel good, I walk tall, and I tell myself that I'm going to impress with my professional look and attitude.
But on ocassion I walk by a glass door or well-polished glossy sign and I catch (or more acurately, I avoid) a glimpse of myself. When I approach glass doors I focus on doorframe so that I won't see how bad I look. Well this morning as I was leaving the meeting, I walked past one of those large, black, well-polished signs. I saw how big I am. Round actually. *Sigh* I had just introduced myself to the chair of a committee I want to join and he was rather unreceptive. Could it be because I don't look as professional as I feel?
I walked out to my car thinking about how I had just seen what I really look like. I faced it and accepted it. I then immediately moved on to how good I feel that I've started this process of making myself better. That's when I realized that there has to be a balance between facing who I am, the bad choices that got me here, the terrible emotions that pushed me to overeat, and how physically debilitated I've become. I'm finally facing the reality that is my future if I don't reverse the damge I've done . . . if I don't put a halt to the imminent downfall of my health.
I've tried doing this before, but I guess I wasn't ready until now. Of course, I wasn't as bad off as I am now. I'm about 10 lbs heavier than I've ever been. The limitations it's having on my life is greater than ever. I guess that was OK for a while when I was retreating further and further from life, my friends and opportunities, but now I see all that I'm missing. I want to travel and visit places. To do that I have to be able to fit into seats. I also need the energy and stamina to move. I'll have to climb stairs or hike up to a waterfall or take long walks around a new city.
LL xoxo
Monday, April 4, 2011
Personal Inventory
Today I started putting together a personal inventory. I spent quite a bit of time online trying to find a step-by-step but alas one does not exist, so that means this is going to tak a little longer since I have to both outline what I need to inventory and then fill it out. I thought I'd actually be done today, but I didn't. That's OK. I've been learning to not be hard on myself when things don't go as planned (do they EVER go as planned? I think not). The important thing is that I took an initial step to making some important life changes.
As for food, I did as I said and ate what I wanted, but I still listened to my body and used and my head. At dinner, I didn't force myself to eat everything I cooked. I even threw away some of the leftovers because I knew they wouldn't reheat well. Typically when this happens, I force myself to eat what won't save. I'm not good at letting go of hot, tasty food that's right in front of me. It actually wasn't even difficult. I'm so proud of myself!
Now for what I ate today:
I ate around 8pm and at midnight I was ready to eat again, however, one of the rules to healthy eating is to not eat before bed. I have an additional problem in that my weight pressing on my chest while I sleep causes me to aspirate, and I don't want to die yet (or that way) so I didn't eat anything.
During dinner I realized I was starting to eat too much, but, because I'm working on being more positive with myself (as opposed to constantly seeing myself as a failure), I recognized that normally I'd force myself to eat the other hamburger and finish all the fries. I overate, but not as much as usual; not by a long shot.
I've already made some better choices, and the best part is that I didn't use anything at all as an excuse to put myself down. As long as I continue adding up positive choices and praise myself instead of tearing myself down, I'll be fine. :-D
LL xoxo
As for food, I did as I said and ate what I wanted, but I still listened to my body and used and my head. At dinner, I didn't force myself to eat everything I cooked. I even threw away some of the leftovers because I knew they wouldn't reheat well. Typically when this happens, I force myself to eat what won't save. I'm not good at letting go of hot, tasty food that's right in front of me. It actually wasn't even difficult. I'm so proud of myself!
Now for what I ate today:
- 1 1/3 pork steaks
- 1/2 cup of ice cream
- 1/2 lb hamburger
- white bun with 2T mayo
- steak fries, fried
- about 2 qts of iced tea w/rasberry syrup and sweet 'n' low
I ate around 8pm and at midnight I was ready to eat again, however, one of the rules to healthy eating is to not eat before bed. I have an additional problem in that my weight pressing on my chest while I sleep causes me to aspirate, and I don't want to die yet (or that way) so I didn't eat anything.
During dinner I realized I was starting to eat too much, but, because I'm working on being more positive with myself (as opposed to constantly seeing myself as a failure), I recognized that normally I'd force myself to eat the other hamburger and finish all the fries. I overate, but not as much as usual; not by a long shot.
I've already made some better choices, and the best part is that I didn't use anything at all as an excuse to put myself down. As long as I continue adding up positive choices and praise myself instead of tearing myself down, I'll be fine. :-D
LL xoxo
More BIG Changes
266.8
Hello again! I've been MIA from the blog for two months but for now, at least, I'm back. I have been overwhelmed with responsibilities and trying to figure out how to juggle the oh-so-many things I'm overseeing. I dropped a class which which freed me a bit but didn't actually make for more free time. It's like wearing a pair of jeans that are so tight you can't breathe. I went up a size, and breathing isn't quite as difficult, but it's still not the right size. Make sense? Good :-D (I love analogies, they can make everything crystal clear).
I was seriously behind in my internship hours, but an unexpected two-day out-of-town trip to a conference and a couple of extra meetings bumped me up to where I'm now on target to a successful finish. I won't even need to take the delayed grade that the director offered me. YAY!!
On the downside, I've gained 7 pounds since December. I bought some new jeans in early January and they are way too tight now. There are days that I have no choice but to wear them, and I hate every second of it. I keep wondering if I should break down and buy more in the larger size or push myself to lose the weight. The reality is that I feel so fat in what I've got now that it's bringing me down, and the more down I feel, the less apt I am to exercise and eat well. But I feel that buying the next size up could also prevent me from losing weight. Weird huh?
I think the best thing is for me to part with the money and purchase some jeans that I can feel comfortable in. I do enough negative thinking, so that really is the most important thing to avoid right now. I've noticed lately that when I feel good about how I look (i.e. clothes fit, makeup and hair done), I feel lifted overall and tend to want to do better for myself. So yeah, I'll buy the jeans. :-D
So a few months ago I started working on my outlook (a.k.a. attitude, but that sounds so negative), and I have done very well. I hardly ever yell, when I'm upset I am more to-the-point, and I don't feel overwhelmed with stress all the time. I've also made a conscious effort to not knock myself around. I've always found any reason at all to feel worthless. With my responsibilities, rather than feeling good at whatever I have accomplished in a day, I berate myself for all that didn't get done. I'm so bad that I would attack myself because a) I chose rest over getting up at the crack of dawn to get started on the work, b) I took a couple of hours to relax during the day or night instead of working, and/or c) I didn't push myself hard enough (military folk and Amish people work nonstop, so why can't I? See? Told you I'm good at this. Who on Earth compares his/herself to Amish people??). Well, for the past few weeks I've stopped doing that. Well, I still do but once I see it happening, I put a stop to it.
Now back to my weight. It's bothering me in sooooo many ways, and I really have to do something. I overate yesterday, ate again before bed, and in my sleep I aspirated food into my lungs. Sadly this is not the first time that I've done this (aspirated). My eating is a problem, and my current weight sits on my chest and weighs me down to where I can't even breathe, thus causing me to choke when the food comes up from the pressure of my weight on my stomache. Isn't this terrible? I am killing myself in more ways than one through my eating crutch. And you know what? I got up and had a porksteak and ice creams for breakfast. I knew it was wrong but I couldn't stop myself.
I haven't slept well in weeks, I have heartburn every day, something is wrong with my left hip/upper thigh and I can't lie on it (it hurts like you-know-what), and now my right side is starting to do the same, so my only option is to sleep on my back, but guess what? I can't breathe on my back and that's why I aspirate. My legs hurt all the time (from all the sitting I do I guess) and it hurts to move/walk. I can't bend over because my weight pushes on my lungs and I can't breathe. I am out of breath just from bending or from walking up the basement steps. I have never felt this out of shape. It's critical now, I know it is, but I don't know how to change it. In the past, I'd have a regular schedule and could fit in regular workouts; the exercise would push me to eat healthier and Voila! I'd lose weight. Unfortunately my schedule right now is all over the place, so I have no idea when I can work out, and I'm no good at just "working out when I get the chance." That's disorganized and simply doesn't work for me.
So, what I've decided to do is take today off from all work (although I will do some here and there, I just won't push myself to do it) so that I can completely focus on doing a LIFE INVENTORY on myself. I need to see the details of who I am, what my life currently is, what I want it to be, and what I can do to get there. It's not all going to be bad either. I will list my strengths so that I can use them to make changes, as well as to learn how certain strengths can pick up the slack of the weaknesses. Yes, I ate badly this morning, but I've decided that today is not about exercise or eating well (unless I want to), because with those things in mind I'll just start feeling down on myself again (and isn't that partly what got me here?).
So that is the goal for today, and writing this very open, very honest blog was the first step for today's work.
What I am thankful for:
Wish me peace and love,
LL xoxo
Hello again! I've been MIA from the blog for two months but for now, at least, I'm back. I have been overwhelmed with responsibilities and trying to figure out how to juggle the oh-so-many things I'm overseeing. I dropped a class which which freed me a bit but didn't actually make for more free time. It's like wearing a pair of jeans that are so tight you can't breathe. I went up a size, and breathing isn't quite as difficult, but it's still not the right size. Make sense? Good :-D (I love analogies, they can make everything crystal clear).
I was seriously behind in my internship hours, but an unexpected two-day out-of-town trip to a conference and a couple of extra meetings bumped me up to where I'm now on target to a successful finish. I won't even need to take the delayed grade that the director offered me. YAY!!
On the downside, I've gained 7 pounds since December. I bought some new jeans in early January and they are way too tight now. There are days that I have no choice but to wear them, and I hate every second of it. I keep wondering if I should break down and buy more in the larger size or push myself to lose the weight. The reality is that I feel so fat in what I've got now that it's bringing me down, and the more down I feel, the less apt I am to exercise and eat well. But I feel that buying the next size up could also prevent me from losing weight. Weird huh?
I think the best thing is for me to part with the money and purchase some jeans that I can feel comfortable in. I do enough negative thinking, so that really is the most important thing to avoid right now. I've noticed lately that when I feel good about how I look (i.e. clothes fit, makeup and hair done), I feel lifted overall and tend to want to do better for myself. So yeah, I'll buy the jeans. :-D
So a few months ago I started working on my outlook (a.k.a. attitude, but that sounds so negative), and I have done very well. I hardly ever yell, when I'm upset I am more to-the-point, and I don't feel overwhelmed with stress all the time. I've also made a conscious effort to not knock myself around. I've always found any reason at all to feel worthless. With my responsibilities, rather than feeling good at whatever I have accomplished in a day, I berate myself for all that didn't get done. I'm so bad that I would attack myself because a) I chose rest over getting up at the crack of dawn to get started on the work, b) I took a couple of hours to relax during the day or night instead of working, and/or c) I didn't push myself hard enough (military folk and Amish people work nonstop, so why can't I? See? Told you I'm good at this. Who on Earth compares his/herself to Amish people??). Well, for the past few weeks I've stopped doing that. Well, I still do but once I see it happening, I put a stop to it.
Now back to my weight. It's bothering me in sooooo many ways, and I really have to do something. I overate yesterday, ate again before bed, and in my sleep I aspirated food into my lungs. Sadly this is not the first time that I've done this (aspirated). My eating is a problem, and my current weight sits on my chest and weighs me down to where I can't even breathe, thus causing me to choke when the food comes up from the pressure of my weight on my stomache. Isn't this terrible? I am killing myself in more ways than one through my eating crutch. And you know what? I got up and had a porksteak and ice creams for breakfast. I knew it was wrong but I couldn't stop myself.
I haven't slept well in weeks, I have heartburn every day, something is wrong with my left hip/upper thigh and I can't lie on it (it hurts like you-know-what), and now my right side is starting to do the same, so my only option is to sleep on my back, but guess what? I can't breathe on my back and that's why I aspirate. My legs hurt all the time (from all the sitting I do I guess) and it hurts to move/walk. I can't bend over because my weight pushes on my lungs and I can't breathe. I am out of breath just from bending or from walking up the basement steps. I have never felt this out of shape. It's critical now, I know it is, but I don't know how to change it. In the past, I'd have a regular schedule and could fit in regular workouts; the exercise would push me to eat healthier and Voila! I'd lose weight. Unfortunately my schedule right now is all over the place, so I have no idea when I can work out, and I'm no good at just "working out when I get the chance." That's disorganized and simply doesn't work for me.
So, what I've decided to do is take today off from all work (although I will do some here and there, I just won't push myself to do it) so that I can completely focus on doing a LIFE INVENTORY on myself. I need to see the details of who I am, what my life currently is, what I want it to be, and what I can do to get there. It's not all going to be bad either. I will list my strengths so that I can use them to make changes, as well as to learn how certain strengths can pick up the slack of the weaknesses. Yes, I ate badly this morning, but I've decided that today is not about exercise or eating well (unless I want to), because with those things in mind I'll just start feeling down on myself again (and isn't that partly what got me here?).
So that is the goal for today, and writing this very open, very honest blog was the first step for today's work.
What I am thankful for:
- Being alive
- Living in a time and place where I have free will and choice
- Being mentally healthy and strong
- Having the ability to make my life better all on my own (i.e. I don't need to be hospitalized)
- Having an independent, intelligent child
- My very supportive friends
- My ability to recognize what's not working and to be able to fix it
Wish me peace and love,
LL xoxo
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Self Love (not the hot and sweaty kind) ...
It's midnight, February 1 (or 2nd depending on how you view it) as I sit at home alone riding out what was predicted to be the storm of the century, a bonafide blizzard, but St. Louis has "dodged a bullet" as one news report stated. Looks like we'll end up with about 3" of snow instead of the 12"-16" that was predicted (my neighbors due north and west are not so lucky). At first I was simply happy to have an excuse to stay home for a few days (everything, I mean EVERYTHING has shut down, including government offices, schools and malls), then I was briefly concerned about staying home for 48hrs by myself for fear I'd simply vegitate, but now I'm rather enjoying it. I've done very little, I will not lie, but what I've done has been simply, easy and at my own pace.
I've spent the past few weeks really working on myself internally and it has been paying off, like lottery-winnings paying off. I haven't had extreme reactions to things, and my stress level is way down. I am so happy about this. Now if I can just lower my voice when I react to things (not yelling, no, I don't really do that anymore, just raising my voice which is loud to begin with) . . .
I've been standing up for myself lately and I'm beginning to like it. Well, after two years of grieving over my sister's choice to cut me out of her life completely, I finally was able to let it go a few months ago. I suddenly reached a point of I-no-longer-give-a-damn and suddenly the sadness was gone. I've never experienced an honest to goodness don't-give-a-damn about anyone in my life who has mistreated me. I've always internalized it and wondered why I was so unworthy of good, positive things from these people. I guess I finally accepted that not everyone is going to like me; sometimes it'll be because of something I've done wrong and sometimes it'll be because we aren't a good fit (as friends, co-workers, sisters, you name it).
It's OK. I no longer feel the need to be liked by everyone. I know people who are loved by everyone they meet, and I've always wanted to be that person, but, at least at this point in my life, I don't want that. I don't have time to attend 3 birthday parties a week or to spend hours a day on the phone talking with people. My life is full, jam packed actually, and I barely have time for the friends I have now. And guess what? The friends I already have love me, very much. They tell me nice things about myself that I don't always see. These are genuine friends and I'm blessed to have each and every one of them.
I've been learning to accept myself, my personality, and I've realized that I don't have a personality that everyone will love, and that's OK. I imagine what the early feminists were like and I'm sure they made lots of enemies. They weren't likable. They didn't smile and pretend everything was OK. They took stands against injustice and inequality and sacrificed popularity for greater causes. I too want to change the world (so to speak) but those who hold mirrors to society's face will suffer in their private lives. I'm not making myself to be a martyr, but because I speak out (and firmly so), I'm not invited to many parties or long weekends in the country.
And you know what? That's OK. You know why? Because the world needs people like me. Just like it needs people like you ... and you ... and you ...
LL xoxo
I've spent the past few weeks really working on myself internally and it has been paying off, like lottery-winnings paying off. I haven't had extreme reactions to things, and my stress level is way down. I am so happy about this. Now if I can just lower my voice when I react to things (not yelling, no, I don't really do that anymore, just raising my voice which is loud to begin with) . . .
I've been standing up for myself lately and I'm beginning to like it. Well, after two years of grieving over my sister's choice to cut me out of her life completely, I finally was able to let it go a few months ago. I suddenly reached a point of I-no-longer-give-a-damn and suddenly the sadness was gone. I've never experienced an honest to goodness don't-give-a-damn about anyone in my life who has mistreated me. I've always internalized it and wondered why I was so unworthy of good, positive things from these people. I guess I finally accepted that not everyone is going to like me; sometimes it'll be because of something I've done wrong and sometimes it'll be because we aren't a good fit (as friends, co-workers, sisters, you name it).
It's OK. I no longer feel the need to be liked by everyone. I know people who are loved by everyone they meet, and I've always wanted to be that person, but, at least at this point in my life, I don't want that. I don't have time to attend 3 birthday parties a week or to spend hours a day on the phone talking with people. My life is full, jam packed actually, and I barely have time for the friends I have now. And guess what? The friends I already have love me, very much. They tell me nice things about myself that I don't always see. These are genuine friends and I'm blessed to have each and every one of them.
I've been learning to accept myself, my personality, and I've realized that I don't have a personality that everyone will love, and that's OK. I imagine what the early feminists were like and I'm sure they made lots of enemies. They weren't likable. They didn't smile and pretend everything was OK. They took stands against injustice and inequality and sacrificed popularity for greater causes. I too want to change the world (so to speak) but those who hold mirrors to society's face will suffer in their private lives. I'm not making myself to be a martyr, but because I speak out (and firmly so), I'm not invited to many parties or long weekends in the country.
And you know what? That's OK. You know why? Because the world needs people like me. Just like it needs people like you ... and you ... and you ...
LL xoxo
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