Motivational Monday: Redefining Failure

Sometimes changing part of your life requires an all over life change in order to be successful, but the greater the change, the more room there is for failure. It's during these tough times that we discover whether or not we are winners at heart.

We absolutely must accept that we will fail via our own mistakes or uncontrollable circumstances even though many of us unfairly define ourselves by our failures rather than our successes. Heck, most of us don't know how to even recognize when we've been successful. But success doesn't have to be the result of a clear cut win, it can be the result of moving past a temporary failure. Make no mistake--failing sucks. However, the real failure is in giving up altogether.

We may not realize it, but we are in full control because we have the choice to give up or to treat failure as temporary setbacks that simply require a bit more from us. Imagine how differently our lives would be like if we learn to move through failures. Not only will we learn some valuable lessons, we will also become stronger and better able to handle future failures, seeing them as additional challenges rather than immovable road blocks.

Best all, we may ultimately succeed.

Friday Food-day: The Embarrassing Truth

Call it an addiction, a crutch, a lifestyle or even "your right as an American," but whatever it is, understand that breaking free of it can be one of the most difficult things a person can do. Like alcohol and smoking, food can be used to celebrate happy times, take the edge off of stress, and provide short-term comfort at the end of a rough day. When food has crossed over into some one's life in these ways, it has stopped functioning as a life-sustaining necessity and instead become a lifestyle. When this happens, it can become one of the most difficult things to break free of.

Those of us who overeat are not clueless about nutrition. We know that a well-made salad is better for us than diner food, it just doesn't have the same emotional impact (and from what I understand there is also a real physical impact, I'm just not qualified to even attempt to write about it). Going to a fitness center to exercise was nothing, there was no struggle to switch from couch potato to workout warrior, but food, that was a serious battle, and once you read some of the oh-so-embarrassing things I've done, you might understand just how deeply this problem ran.

It's understood that I ate the worst foods I could get my hands on, but it's how I did it that shines a light on the serious problem I had:

• Eating two meals back-to-back: Eating dinner in the car on the way home knowing that I'd be having dinner with other people a short time later. Either I was too hungry to wait, or I was in need of a major food fix.  
• Eating in secret: This happened several times a week, maybe even daily. I could go hog wild with way too much food and no one was the wiser. At work I'd get some things from the snack machine and sneak them into my office. On the way home I'd pick up some snacks and sneak them into the house, hiding them so no one would know. If I had the night to myself, well lookout, that's when I'd stock up on chips and chocolate and pick up some appetizers from a nearby restaurant. To cover this up though, I'd get creative about discarding the evidence (you see, it's not a secret if someone can see what I had eaten).
• Eating waaaay past satisfaction: I didn't know how to stop. I'd try, but I just couldn't. Image trying to throw away some money--it would not feel right. That's how I felt. I just couldn't do it. The scary part of this is that on countless occasions I've been so overstuffed that I've aspirated in my sleep. I'd wake up coughing and choking and my lungs would be burning from the acid that had gotten into them. As frightening as this was, it didn't stop me from doing it again. I'd simply prop myself up on a bunch of pillows in the hopes it wouldn't happen again.
• Eating food from the garbage can: I would see food in a container (e.g. mini doughnuts in a closed bag) and take it out of the trash. There were lots of times when I tried to show some self control after buying too many treats by throwing them away, but I learned that I had to open the containers and let the stuff fall into the other trash so that I wouldn't go back for it later.

Since yesterday I've been thinking about whether or not to share that last part; it's beyond embarrassing. However, this is a sign of how serious the problem was. Food was my cocaine, and like any drug addict, I'd go to great and desperate measures to get my fix. This might be a good time to remind you that I had undiagnosed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for 24 years, and I used food to push down the terrible emotions that were always with me. I was in and out of counseling for almost 20 of those years (was only ever diagnosed with depression) and was often times suicidal. Taking food out of a trash can was a desperate attempt to handle a desperate situation.

In the past three years I've taken steps to take back my life. I no longer have PTSD (YAY!!) and I've removed the responsible parties from my life for good. Most recently I've learned that what I feel and want do indeed matter which led me to make one final change. After that, I felt like my life was taking off and got over my last hurdle with food.

Now I eat well because I am well. I feel great and I only want things and people in my life that are going to support that. I wrote all of this because I want to let other over eaters know that they are not the only ones, and that there is no struggle too big to overcome. I shouldn't even be alive. I don't know why I am, but I know that I'm not wasting one more day of this precious life I have, and I truly hope that others are able to find their way to this point because I've gotta tell ya, it can be downright amazing.

:-D

Workout Wednesday: Home vs. Fitness Center

I've always been a one-or-the-other-not-both type of exerciser, either making routine visits to a fitness center or working out to videos at home. I've also always had to have a routine, whatever it was, but this time around everything is different, and surprisingly I'm completely fine with working out wherever and whenever. However, even though I have been able to successfully incorporate exercise at both locations, each provides unique benefits and challenges to supporting my weight-loss goals.

FITNESS CENTER

NOT the fitness center I use; I don't

want to be sued ;-)

Pros

My first preference is to exercise at a fitness center. It becomes a place I look forward to visiting, a place of refuge where I am allowed to stop thinking about everything else in my life and simply focus on me. I like being with other people who are working toward similar goals of strength and good health. Cardio machines become dance floors as I crank up my favorite songs and get to moving like nobody's business (yes, it's been a while since I've been on a real dance floor). This time around it has also become a place of firsts as I am doing things I've never done before, things I thought I couldn't do for a long time, or ever, such as boxing. I've wanted to try it for years, and after just one session I'm hooked, so much so that I'm going to look for an actual boxing class to satisfy my new desire for throwing punches ;-)

Cons

I'm still not comfortable doing floor exercises on my own and I don't know if I ever will be because I don't like being watched; I prefer to hide in the background for certain things and this is definitely one of them.

Also, it's not always convenient to go to the gym. Last week I found out the hard way that to get in one hour of exercise before work, I have to arrive 2.5 hours before I have to be at work. That's no small sacrifice!

AT HOME WORKOUTS

Coconut, one of my foster kitties,

takes a well deserved break after

doing some mountain climbers ;-)

Pros

This is perfect for when I just want a little something extra, particularly during the two days I take off from the fitness center. So far I've focused on small things, like sit-ups and planks (grrr, planks, I will conquer you yet). I've even learned to be a bit creative, like last night when I wanted to get my heart rate up for a while. I pulled out my dusty old step (remember step aerobics? No? Pfft, youngster) and did this sort of sideways one-foot-at-a-time hop back and forth across it for a minute at a time with a minute break in between. This raised my heart rate to the level I reach when using the elliptical, so I may have found a good at-home substitute :-D

And of course, there's privacy. I can wear what I want (don't ask) and try anything I want without any second thoughts.

Cons

I'm not proud to admit this, but I don't push myself very much with challenging exercises. I give up. I'm starting to think that there is a mental barrier I need to work on in order to get past the physical barriers, and without someone to push me (i.e. a trainer) I simply stop.

Regardless of the pros and cons, I am now able to workout at home or the fitness center because of dedication and focus. I'm dedicated in ways like never before, specifically to prevent some of the potential downfalls that can come later in life. I'm also driven to experience life to the fullest, and I mean that seriously. Hike the Grand Canyon? You betcha! Participate in crazy activities like a Spartan Race? Hell-to-the-yeah! At home or in a fitness center, exercise is key to those amazing experiences.

Motivational Monday: Demotivation

Motivation rules all of us in everything we do. Think about it. We eat becaue we're hungry, stressed, enjoying a celebration, or any host of reasons. We sleep because we're tired, depressed or sick. We dedicate ourselves to excelling at work, as parents, as students because we want to do well. Motivation is in every tiny part of each day we are blessed to be on this Earth.

However there is a counter to motivation and that is demotivation, and it too surrounds us every single day. We silently fantasize about certain things we want, like a slim body, but we hear voices telling us that we can't do what it takes to achieve that goal. These voices, although coming from inside of us, are a collective of all that we have heard over years of our lives.

Think back to when you were a child--was there anything that you thought you couldn't do? Whether set in reality or acted out fantasies, children believe that they can be and do anything they want. It is during childhood that we are taught about the limits we have. Sure, we can't put on a cape and fly like Superman, but what damaging limits were put on us?

Watch this clip from The Pursuit of Happyness when Will Smith's character catches himself in the act of demotivating his son's dream to play pro basketball:

Maybe you were told that you'd never be strong or pretty enough to find a good mate. Maybe you were always compared to someone else and told that you could never be as good as that person. Maybe the moments of demotivation took on the face of pure criticism. I was a hyper, talkative child long before those sorts of things were diagnosed and medicated, but I was super friendly and outgoing, a gift that could have been put to use if teachers had taken the time to work with it. Up until my mid-20s I had a lot of friends, but also a lot of people who didn't like me specifically because I was so outgoing and happy. Their demotivating words built up over time and I started to withdraw into myself. I stopped joking and smiling for fear that I would chase people away, but what I did was lose myself.

Last year I read "Eat, Pray Love" (which is FAR better than the movie), and during the time the writer was on a spiritual exploration in India, she was told by someone at the ashram that her outgoing, talkative, never-shy character would be perfect for helping new arrivals acclimate to all the new experiences. Up until this moment, she too had seen this part of her as a bad thing, but she took from this experience an honest appreciation for these gifts. After reading this, I have too.

What words have you heard or do you say to yourself that hold you back from what you want out of life? Are they standing in the way of pursuing your dreams? What would happen if you stop listening and start believing in yourself again, like you did when you were 5-years-old? My whole world has opened up in the past few weeks and I'm running toward things I never dreamed of doing (rock climbing, participating in athletic events, traveling solo, white water rafting, running a 5k, and so much more).

This is my life and I'm going to live it the way I want, negative people be damned. You should really do the same.

Friday Food-day 3/2/12

Everyone has a relationship with food--it's unavoidable because we must eat in order to survive. However the relationship is very personal, serving purposes unique to each of us. An athlete approaches this relationship with deep respect as it is the fuel that supports his or her goals. A parent or spouse may view food as a catalyst to showing how much they care about those who will receive it. Then there are people like me whose relationship with food moves between best friend and a device to promote self hate.

The summer I turned 14 I was sent to live with a different family, and on a night when it was my turn to clean up after dinner I walked around the table eating everyone's McDonald's leftovers (and there were 7 people in that family, so that was a LOT of food). I couldn't stop, and I thought it was just because I hadn't eaten Mickey D's in such a long time. I now know this was a response to the worst part of my childhood, a response that would become a mechanism of comfort for the next 26 years.

As life went on, when I wasn't being comforted by food, I was using it to tear myself down. When people don't own up to what they've done to you, I think it becomes second nature to just blame yourself. I remember a moment of such deep self hatred that I forced myself to eat a box of cookies even though they were making me sick. I sat on the floor of my bedroom, mentally jumped into a black tornado and held onto it with each bite. Other times I've honestly believed that I just didn't deserve a better life so I turned against me and treated myself with as much disregard as other people were.

There have been a few times when I've been able to turn it around, and it always has happened after I've taken a stand for myself. The struggle was learning how to make taking a stand a habit and not just an occasional thing. Most people who know me well are aware that the biggest fight of my life began three years ago and then reached a crescendo again last year. These fights had to happen in order to get to a point where I could finally like myself, feel happy to be alive, and do a 180 with food. Now, having cleared out every speck of bad from my life, I am able to change my relationship with food to one of love, respect and appreciation.

No one chooses to be overweight. Every pound holds a story. Those stories have to be reckoned with in order to let go of it all so that ultimately the relationship with food can be reconciled and turned into something positive.

Workout Wednesday 3/1/12

I have committed to losing weight a few times in my life but what I'm doing this time around is completely different, and I owe it all to having a trainer. This is not only a brand new experience but one that has come with many unexpected, happy surprises.

Happy Surprise #1: Crazy Awesome Conditioning

I used to watch a "trainer" who would simply watch and count as his clients moved through the fitness center using the machines, but my trainer is crazy creative, combining several moves into one and bragging about how every muscle is being worked. It took me a while to get used to this but now I like it (yes, even when I beg for it to be over).

Happy Surprise #2: Homework

I thought that training started and stopped with scheduled sessions but the reality is that guidance is given in regard to what I should do on my own. Because of this, I'm doing more and working harder than I ever would have on my own.

Happy Surprise #3: Stupendous Support

If I have a bad couple of days, need some questions answered or am seeking guidance regarding increases or modifications to diet and exercise, my trainer is there to offer fabulous support. This has been an amazing bonus!

Happy Surprise #4: Being Watched

Sounds creepy, right? Well I can assure you there's no stalker in clown makeup up here, just someone who is going to know what I do when on my own. This has helped the most with my diet. I have really struggled some days to stick with my eating plan, and the ONLY reason I didn't deviate is because I didn't want to face my trainer with less-than-stellar news on the scale.

Happy Surprise #5: RESULTS!!

I had no idea that results would happen so quickly :-)

If there is one thing I could change, it would be to work out with my trainer more often. It's the toughest physical work I've ever done, but I'm pushed to do more than I ever thought I could do, and let me tell you, the high that replaces the exhaustion (haha) is priceless.

Motivational Monday 2/26/12

This week's Motivational Monday video includes the underlying message of how important it is to show up, and how important it is to push yourself to be just a bit better than you were yesterday.

I've written about this before, about how we see the success stories but not the blood, sweat and tears that happened along the way to success. By only seeing the end results, we are cheated out of how success is typically achieved. We know it doesn't happen overnight, but it certainly can seem that way when we aren't privy to the struggles. Unfortunately many of us tend to expect quick results as we reach for our own goals. Because that rarely happens, we instead focus on where we aren't or how far we still have to go to reach our goals rather than how far we've come even since yesterday.

 I catch myself doing this as I try to transition from walking to jogging. There is a 5k in October that I want to run, but the very best I can do right now is a 2 minute jog. Thoughts creep into my head about how hard it's going to be to maintain a run for a full 3.2 miles. I even wonder how on earth I'm going to make it up the hills along the course without having to take a break.

Then I stop. I stop comparing myself to the future and start comparing myself to the past. A few weeks ago I couldn't walk faster than a 2.8 pace, but just last week I jogged for almost 2 minutes at a 4.8 pace. Today I walked at a 3.2 pace with a 2.0 incline. Those are hugely significant, and it has only taken about a month for those improvements to occur. So yes, I have a very long way to go, but not as far as I did a month ago.

I attended this high school, and even at

124 pounds I couldn't run one .2-mile

lap; I want to do this so badly!!

Every day I'm improving. Every day I'm a little bit better than I was the day before. At some point, all of these days will compound into one great mass of success on the day I cross that finish line. Until then I'll continue reminding myself to focus on how much better I'm doing with each passing day.