Halloween!

I love Halloween! I've thrown some really elaborate parties in the past, mostly outside where crunchy leaves, cool air and a night sky become the backdrop to some fun times with the right amount of creepiness sprinkled in. This time of year also marks nearly 7 months of freedom from my family so it's time for an update on how I'm doing.

My anxiety is almost gone, I just have a couple of areas that I'd still like to work on to get to where I'd like to be emotionally. I am so amazed at how quickly I've been able to knock out my anxiety once I realized that is what I had. I am so much calmer now and even if something gets my heart rate up, I'm still able to control my reaction, to maintain control when before I would just lose it. It's so hard to admit that I've been like this for 20 years, and I've hurt so many people because of it, expecially my daughter. I've had to forgive myself so that I COULD change, but I have such deep regret for the unstable childhood I created. Whether it's my fault or not, the fact is that an innocent person was deeply affected by it and for that I AM responsible. It seems though that maybe I have also passed along some of my strength and determination to fight to be a better person because I see these same things in her. I will never rescind my offer to give emotional and/or financial support if she should ever need counseling for this. It's not her fault but the burden of reversing the damage unfortunately lies on her shoulders, but I will be there as much as I can (and as much as she wants me to be) in order to relieve some of the burden.

On a weekly basis I'm doing what I can to prioritize my reponsibility while also balancing my wants with my needs. I haven't been on a date night in a couple of weeks because I've been so busy, which I'm O.K. with, but for the sake of my relationship I will have to do something next weekend because we need to spend some time simply being with one another. Speaking of the fiance, we are doing well, we just need to get the results of his tests so that we can begin therapy to learn how to work together as a married couple. I'm doing the best I can right now, but my best is not good enough. I still fight and complain about the things his autism causes him to do. I feel like a caretaker far more than a partner, and with my personality that is fine to some degree, but not all the time. So, we are working on that.

A week ago I started eating a much healthier diet which consists of about 90-95% fresh produce, 5-10% protein from lean chicken and seafood, no dairy and no sugar. I am feeling so much better, which I will write about at a later time because right now, my 6-month-old boy kitty is crawling all over me and the keyboard for attention . . .

LL xoxo