40 Years Old Today: Mid-Life or the Start of a Second One?

257.0 (13 lbs lost)

So, I'm 40 today. This is a milestone birthday. Time to reflect on the first half of my life and look ahead to the second half.

Compared to turning 30, turning 40 is a piece of cake. We all think that we'll have life figured out by the time we are 30 which is why so many of us live wildly during our 20s. However, maturity doesn't magically appear. I turned 30 and felt like I was 20, like I was no further ahead than a responsible teenager. So my 30s turned into a time when I struggled with choices. I chose the wrong man. Everyone knew it but me. I was standing in the middle of my own life and I couldn't believe what I was seeing, but didn't know how to stop it. I knew so much was wrong, but felt completely helpless.

Why? Because I had always been helpless in my own life (which is probably why my heart and actions go to people who have suffered helplessly). My birth was not a happy one for anyone in my family. I always felt this but was explicitly told when I was just 10 years old. For the most part, how I've been treated has depended on how a person felt at the time. In need of a lunch companion? Everything's good, kind words and actions are received. In need of proving loyalty to another, or to redirect anger from the actual offender, reminders of how unwanted I am are hurled my way (or even worse, am ignored while they act as if I never existed).

Because of this, I've never truly enjoyed my own experiences; if I was caught enjoying them, severe punishment was a guarantee. Good feelings were ripped apart and bad things that happened to me were always my fault. In an effort to disuade this as much as possible, I learned to think ahead several steps and act accordingly, however, as bad people go, they will do what they want regardless.

This has all clouded my judgement; I wasn't working with a normal mind in a normal world. I was working with a dysfunctional mind to survive my dysfunctional world. Unfortunately it also created dysfunction. One of the negative side effects has been my 26-year crutch to overeat. What you see are layers of decades of pain, and I've been afraid to let it go because of what would happen: I would become strong and happy, and as I've explained, being strong and happy are personal invitations for my family to treat me badly.

Many people don't know all of this about me because, unless you are very close to me, I am an expert at hiding it. I learned how to do this at the age of 13 when I'd go to school and excel, covering up what was the worst year of my life taking place at home. However, what people see is not a total lie. It's another part of who I am and also who I want to be: happy.

Which brings me to the present. I have finally realized why I've made bad choices. I couldn't forgive myself when I was 30, but at 40 I have. I take responsibility for my actions and will continue to apologize and make things right for others' who have suffered because of them. What I don't do anymore is beat myself up because they weren't really "my" choices. Under different circumstances I would have done much better.

So what does the 2nd half of my life have in store? I graduate in a year and will start a brand new career. I strongly suspect that I will be getting married around the same time. My child might be ready to live independently from me after earning an associate's degree. I will be at my goal weight, giving me the energy to live my life and the hips to do it (i.e. will be able to fly and attend theater because I won't struggle to fit in the seats). I will learn to smile more, and more genuinely. I'll laugh honestly. I will reach for the things I want and not care that someone may feel intimidated. I will excel because I enjoy the challenge and personal growth and won't think twice about how uncomfortable it may make people. However I will still be compassionate and will stick to my belief that bragging is an ugly trait (which is very different from sharing good news). I will travel and will learn that it's O.K. to keep my earned money for myself rather than feeling guilty that I have more than someone else (which always causes me to spend more money on other people than my own self). I will enjoy the rewards of this money. I will travel, buy nice clothes, and maybe even a car that doesn't have holes in the bumper or in the dashboard where the stereo should be. I will allow myself to feel love from other people and not block out compliments. I will learn how to do what is good and right for me, even if it doesn't fall within the ideally accepted American dream (like Leonardio DiCaprio's character in "The Beach--I really envy that). Heck, maybe some day I'll move to an island. Why not? :-D

I may not have been wanted, but I am here and I intend to make the best of it.

LL xoxo

Not the Best Start to the Week

259.4 (10.6 lbs lost)

I'm tired today. I've been going to bed really late the past couple of nights. I'm supposed to volunteer today but I don't know if I'll be able to pull myself together. I also have to work 8-10 hours from home, but again, being tired really ruins that. It's funny how health is not about sleep or diet or exercise, but truly is holistic. When I don't sleep well, the first thing I give up is exercise and then work (there goes my financial health LOL).

I haven't lost any weight this past week. Actually, I've moved around between 257 and 259. However, I don't have any negative feelings about it. I indulged a bit last week in some bad carbs, so I'm actually happy that I haven't regained any. It's good to be out of the 260's. My first milestone is tomorrow, my 40th birthday, which was supposed to be 255. If not for the indulgences I would have hit the mark, but again it's O.K. I'm only 2 lbs away, and that's not bad at all.

One of the best changes in my diet is my new found love of vegetables. I know what protein I want with a meal, and as most Americans do, my next thought is which starchy side-dish to include. Now I think about the veggies I have and look up new recipes to try. In the past few weeks, I've honestly made more veggie recipes than I have my entire life (since basically all I've ever done is steam, boil or occassionally grilled). Last night I had two zucchini that I turned into fried zuchini (yes, I used bread crumbs). They were AWESOME!! Twenty-five years ago I worked at a restaurant that served this and it's the ony time I've had it. Eating them last night brought back this flavor memory that I can't wait to experience again. :-)

I am still thinking of organizing my blog so that I can include details about grocery shopping (items, cost), snack and meal ideas, and recipes (with pictures).

Last night I wrote about how I've indulged in "Food to Avoid" but I want to counter that with how well I actually have been eating. I honestly have never eaten so many vegetables in my life. I've been trying both new vegetables and new recipes for them. In the past week I've had squash three times: zucchini (a side dish that included onions), spaghetti squash (plain) and eggplant (moussaka). I've had chicken stir fry twice, and when I go to restaurants, I order extra veggies (usually broccoli) in place of starchy side dishes.

The majority of what I've been eating has be made from fresh ingredients and cooked at home and I'm really proud of that. At first the amount of work involved was exhausting, but either I'm getting used to it or I'm embracing it more because now I look forward to spending some time in the kitchen, even right after work.

I once read that the difference between healthy-eating dieters and healthy-eating non-dieters is that the non-dieters don't punish themselves when they eat something lacking in nutritional value, but instead see it for what it is (yummy treats) and continue with their healthy way of eating at their next meals. Dieters see this as signs of weakness and use it to attack themselves in the worst ways. I've done it. All dieters have done it. As overweight people we believe we are failures, so when we try to fix it but slip, we see it as further proof that we are unworthy, lazy, and even destined to be miserable. I'm taking this all to heart and while I did feel a bit bad last night (I mean common, I was attacking that bread like a lion on a gazelle during the dry season), I knew what was happening. I was freakin' hungry! Not fat-girl hungry, but human hungry. I had very little to eat that day and too many hours had passed since I had. anyone, thin or thick, would've felt the same way. Will the scale reflect this? Possibly. Am I going to be disappointed? Maybe, but only a bit. From this experience I've learned how important it is to be prepared with snacks and such so that I maintain a level of satisfaction throughout the day to prevent overindulging.

Yay me! I'm so proud of myself! Now, back to our regularly scheduled program (a.k.a. getting ready for work).

LL xoxo

As of tomorrow it will be six weeks since I started changing how I eat, and in this time I've sorta bounced around between freestylin' the low-carb approach and sticking to the strict induction or phase 1 of one low-carb plan or another. Currently I've got 3 days until I can switch over to phase 2 of the South Beach Diet (it's an AMAZING way to eat--I don't like the word diet), but for the past few days I've been eating a sugary treat each day. A piece of cake and a blizzard on Monday, a cookie on Tuesday, and Tiramisu today. I've mostly not craved any of this, so why now?

I'm reading the SBD book and have looked up stuff about it online, and there is a question about phase 1 that has come up several times: why can't we stay on phase 1 longer than two weeks? Dieters lose 5-8 lbs in two weeks while sticking to this phase and it's extremely tempting to just stay with it. The response is always that dieters will get bored and will need the expanded variety of phase 2. I think it's safe to say that I am in need of some variety.

Another rule of this diet (and for the record, when I say diet I don't mean a temporary, calorie-restrictive eating plan, but a complete, permanent change in eating) is that I'm supposed to eat every 2-3 hours, and I did not do that today. I had lunch at noon and not again until 7:30p.m. I wasn't hungry for the first few hours after lunch but then from 4-7 I was busy; we were going to dinner after A's appointment and that took forever. Ironic thing is that I had the snacks that I packed for work chillin' in my lunchbag in the car, so I easily could have grabbed something. But I digress, the point is that by the time I got to dinner, I ate the entire mini-loaf of bread given to me and I didn't hesitate to get dessert.

Weight-loss moral of the day? Eat my snacks and prepare to move to phase 2--it's time.

Solitary Night, Alone with My Thoughts

Is my life my own? Are my experiences, choices and thoughts mine? Does it matter if no one else sees or ever knows of my experiences? I was raised to pay more attention to other people than to myself, and was trained to be constantly aware of how my thoughts and actions interact with the emotions and actions of those around me. I watch a movie and I wonder how it affects the person sitting beside me. I map my courses and strategically plan how I will present my successes with them. If I'm happy I am allowed to admit it, but I must hesitate before expression to be sure it is welcomed. I have never been allowed to be more successful, to feel emotionally better, than specific people in my life. For three years I have not interacted with my sister (I've initiated communication only to be ignored), however her (and others') negativity has swum through the microscopic cells of my body. I have cut off all contact, but still the shards swim, slicing through my veins, reminding me that I have not received permission to be happy, to enjoy my life--that my life is not mine.

I am watching "The Beach," the scene where they have been taken to an intimate, white sand beach by the island clan in a gesture of welcome, and LD falls back, taking in where he is. I feel this scene, this moment, because although it's an intimate space, it's also clearly a part of the larger Earth. There are no televisions, telephones or post offices. Not a single soul off the island is even aware they are there. LD's experiences are for the most part his own. He swims, interacts, fishes, works and plays in the jungle of the island. I imagine that each of his senses are open and his mind is clear, like freshly cleaned, streak-free windows on a perfectly clear, sunny day. This is what I want. To feel the freedom of my own life. To live it without wondering if anyone is watching. To make choices without wondering how they will affect others, not in the sense of "If I don't go to the store my child won't eat" but in the sense of "This is good and right for me, and it doesn't matter if no other person on this overcrowded planet ever knows."

Letting go of this truly terrifies me. I don't know what it's like to not have this pulling me down. I'm scared of heights, and I imagine that being free this way would feel like flying, soaring higher and higher. Would I be able to stop? Should I keep myself grounded as I was taught to be? I want to be free, I want to soar, but the thought terrifies as much as it entices.

Wow!!

257.4 (12.6 lbs lost)

I can't get enough of this! I got on the scale this morning thinking for sure that I weighed the same or even a bit more (which happens), so I was completely ecstatic. I am an entire pound lighter than yesterday!

This is not my first time losing weight. While the process has certainly never been the same each time (low cal or low carb? Exercise or no?), what is the same is the high that I get on when I've lost a few pounds and it's clear that my efforts are paying off. You see, the first few days are tough. I stop eating the foods I love with no reward. I pretty much feel miserable, I worry about whether or not I'll be able to stick it out long enough to see some positive changes. Then a couple of pounds come off. That's nice, but nothing to get too excited about. Then I hit mini-milestones: 5 lbs., 10 lbs. It's when the first 10 lbs. come off when I stop holding my breath and start enjoying what I'm doing as well as the process. This is where I am now.

I've decided to expand my blog to include how I plan my meals, how I manage to eat healthy on a tight budget, and how some of the recipes I try turn out. I think I might also start taking pictures of myself to track my progress. Whadya think?

LL xoxo

See for Yourself :-D

Here's an image of a graph from Fitday.com showing my weight-loss from the past 2 months. Notice the spike in weight from just 5 weeks ago. That was a bad day for me and it was then that I decided that I'm tired of letting my weight control me and my life (it's extending past the page, but making it smaller makes it hard to read the numbers).

I check the graph a few times a week because it motivates me to see the change that has happened in such a short amount of time. Some of the moments have been hard, but I'm learning to focus on the bigger picture, and while little moments of struggle seem to last forever, these five weeks have flown by. I'm keeping that in mind as I look at where I'll be in another five weeks (246 perhaps?).