Jack Handy

Life is funny. Maybe not. I'm not sure cuz I'm still trying to figure it all out. I've spent the better part of 4 decades surviving the life I was born into and the circumstances that took place along the way. I'm not complaining, it just sets the stage for what is going on in my life now. I've learned to make excuses for why I don't stand up for myself, but doing so has kept me in less-than-desireable situations too many times and for too long. I've never held out for my dream man, I've almost always let the man choose me, and let me tell you, the men doing the choosing were just looking for someone to say yes. Whose fault is it? Mine? Theirs? I know what happened in my life to make feel unworthy of anything better, but what happened in theirs that led them to use power over certain women in order to feel good about themselves?

I count myself so lucky to see the truth of my life and the negative things that were ingrained in me, I just wish it had been easier to get to the point I'm at now. I've healed so much and I'm thrilled about my progress, but I'll always be sorry about the people I've hurt along the way. Interestingly, I've hurt people as my unhealthy self and I've hurt people in my choices to get better. *sigh* That was today.

Getting better is not easy and there's no quick fix, but I can't in good conscience be the person I was raised and conditioned to be. I refuse to spread more misery than I already have (people who are hurting can unintentionally hurt those around them while in the process of letting out grief), and I equally refuse to settle for the depressive state I so often find myself to be in.

This is the deep, dark secret of my life, that there has been a monster eating me alive. It's had many voices, but the worst was when it took on my voice. There's nothing worse than being witness to an internal fight over what you think you deserve and what you've been taught you deserve.

They say that people who lose weight change, and I can see how that's true. Folks can become full of themselves as they enjoy new experiences in slim bodies. That is something I never want to do. I will fall into the other category of people who change because they've figured out how to successfully let go of all the emotional crap. However, doing this means no longer taking people's BS. It means holding others responsible for their actions. It means letting go of people who, for their own sakes, need to see me fail. While I wish it didn't have to happen this way, I've reached a point where I'm not sad about letting certain people go. I did it last spring with my family, and then low-and-behold I lost 20 pounds. If that's not a sign . . .

I have fought other people my entire life, and I've even fought myself, but for the first time in my life I am fighting FOR myself . . . because I deserve it.