Livin' Large

I've been wondering how possible it is to change just one aspect of a person's life without it affecting other areas of life, or more specifically REQUIRING that other areas to change to support the success of the first change (that probably sounds like nonsense, but believe me, in my exhausted and ill head it's crystal clear).

What I'm getting at is how almost everything in my life is changing, HAS to change, because of my decision to become strong and healthy. The process of this is interesting too. Lemme list a short timeline:

• December 19, 2011: Just 3 days after the last semester ended, I was at a community center working out for about half an hour. I had planned it this way so that I could use the 4-week break to build exercise into my weekly schedule. I didn't change how I eat though and even went to dinner at Jack in the Box after the gym one night (I get the irony, don't worry).
• January 8, 2012: Joined Club Fitness. I am frugal, have to be, and I never pay for something if can get if free elsewhere (which I can in this case), but I realized that if I'm going to be someplace a few hours a week, I need to make sure that it supports me, and a cramped, basement fitness center that limits how long I can use a machine does not.
• January 13, 2012: worked out with an honest-to-goodness trainer for the first time in my life. I was shocked at how hard I was pushed, and just as shocked to see the reality of how out of shape I am. I signed up for four more sessions. I'm told that I need to start changing my diet and I'm excited about it.
• January 15: I am tired and very crabby. I do my best to hide on the couch to avoid facing all the food I can no longer have. Everywhere I go I see food that I used to just pick up and enjoy, and my mind is in thinking overload because a) I stop and realize what I'm about to do, and b) I feel like crap because I don't know how I'm going to stop these terrible habits. Also, if I'm not eating, what will I do to fill my time? This is not a joke.
• January 24: I weigh myself certain that I'll see a loss. Yes I've only recently changed my diet, but I've been exercising up to 5 times per week for a month, so surely something good has happened. I instantly break when the scale shows that I have not lost a single pound. What have I been doing all of this for? I know what I'm doing is good for my insides, but the only measure I have of that is the external number that shows up on the scale. I sink so fast that I don't even know I am until I've hit the bottom.
• January 25: I wake up and decide that I'm going to fight off the negative feelings. I know this system works and I openly committed to it (which means that I knew there would be rough times but that I wouldn't use those times as excuses to give up on myself). With the help of several people who stepped in to encourage me, I was able to pull myself back up to ground level.
• January 25 (cont.): I sign a contract committing to 50 more sessions with my trainer. I've seen the benefits of having a trainer, a good one, and I'm experiencing many of those now. I am pushed to do things I didn't think I could do while in such bad shape. After just two weeks of working out with him, I feel stronger and see that I am able to do more and with less of a struggle than I would have imagined. When he saw me crashing, he jumped in, grabbed my figurative hand, and pulled me up. He assured me that I was doing well and was right on track with this process. Because I trust his expertise, I decided to go with it. This is what I like about having a trainer!
• January 29: Because I'm getting better and feeling better, there is an area of my life that now has a spotlight on it because it is so full of negativity. I recently discovered through therapy that there is a pattern to my depression, that this area is the cause of it. Everything else in my life has been worked through, there is nothing else to bring me down, except this one thing. I have thought for a while that this situation isn't working, and I finally admit that out loud. I take a stand for myself and make one of the most difficult decisions possible.
• January 30: I'm bouncing off the walls, I want to dance, I want to work it all out on the treadmill. Instead I chill with a friend and then work it all out in the kitchen, cleaning and preparing food while gettin' down with some great music.
• January 31: My life feels new, like a spring day after the rain stops. Everything and everyone comes out, the air is cool and smells fresh. I had no idea that I've been living beneath the surface of myself, but here I am.

I'm filled with so much excitement about the present and the future. I'm anxious for the future even though I have no clue what will be there. I only know that I am going to love it because, after decades of dealing with shit, I have broken everything down, I have screamed until it hurt to whisper, I have hurt myself in hopes of ending the pain, and I have felt the pain slice through me as I fought to push it out. I've just stepped out the other side and there are no words to describe how amazing it all is.

LL xoxo