New Year :-)

January 3, 2012. In 19.5 weeks I'll be married, but so much is going to happen before then. So much NEEDS to happen before then. Change is upon me, and while I welcome it, I'm also fighting it and I'm not sure why.

I'm having a very hard time letting go of my comfort foods. Even when I don't want them, I choose them. Even when my hunger is satisfied, I continue to eat. Eating is an activity, the main activity in my life. My fiance and I are always talking about what we want for dinner (a meal at home or dining out?). Regardless of my financial situation at any given moment, I always find ways to dine away from home. Get a large refund and we dine at nice restaurants. $30 in the bank until the next payday and we make a trip to QT for iced tea and snacks.

When I overcame PTSD a few years ago, there were a couple of weeks where I worried about having to stand on my own two feet. I had never used my emotions manipulatively, but when I'd have a bad day I would allow myself to retreat to my bed for a couple of days without feeling guilty. Once the PTSD was gone though, I wouldn't have a reason to sink; I'd be expected to face the difficulties like any other emotionally healthy person. Could I do that? Would I be able to do that?

I think that's where I am now, at least I think that's part of it. Eating is my refuge, my friend (although not a very good one I admit). So when I feel overwhelmed with an overloaded schedule, am I going to have to just push through it unguarded? Wouldn't that just leave me even more vulnerable?

I need to change how I eat because the negative side affects hinder my life, and it will only get worse with time. I have back problems that cause me to stop everything for days at a time. I don't sleep well, and therefore I'm tired all day. I'm afraid to go certain places because I may not fit into the seats. I won't plan a honeymoon that involves airplane travel because I may be forced to buy two seats. I'm honestly not two-seats big, but I don't fit comfortably into a seat. There's so much more to list but that's enough for now.

What I have been doing is making good choices whenever I can. I'm eating better (although not as often as I should) and I'm working out 1-3 day per week, even when I don't want to. I'm telling myself that this is how positive change has to happen sometimes--kicking and screaming until the changes settle in.

I've considered starting a food diary so that I can't ignore the choices I make. I did that several years ago and it really made a difference. Once I saw the amount of calories and fat I would eat in a day, it led me to make better choices the next day. It was almost like a game, a challenge to improve my numbers. I had never been interested in vitamins and minerals but that became part of the challenge.

I'm so tired today, but I've pushed myself to stay awake so that I go to bed at a decent hour and (hopefully) sleep better. I wanted to cancel an appointment I had today but I told myself, "Sometimes people don't feel well but they keep moving; the end of the day WILL come and a good night's rest WILL follow." I didn't eat well for lunch (skipped breakfast because I was too tired to get out of bed) but I'm making a pretty healthy dinner (save for the ground beef). I'm not hungry now so I'm not going to eat until later. After the fiance eats dinner we are going to the gym. I'm taking an iPad so I can watch The Biggest Loser while I walk on the treadmill--that will help keep me going.

So that's it, that's the update.