Saturday, February 4, 2012

182 Weekends or 12.13 Months

It's Saturday, and it's my first weekend of being single. I really wish the sun was out because it instantly lifts my spirits (why do I have to be so kinesthetic?), but it's O.K. because, wow, this is weird--I have the entire weekend to myself. I can't even grasp the enormity of that because for the last 182 weekends I've had to shift my focus from my home, school, child, yard, pets and so forth to being a full-time caregiver to the person I really wanted to be my partner. The lightbulb finally went on that he was never going to be my partner because it's not what he wanted. What he wanted was to be taken care of, but I really want to be taken care of sometimes too, and that was never going to happen.

Breaking away from him is definitely what I wanted, and I've been on cloud 9 ever since I did, but, this is the first weekend and I admit it feels a little lonely. I don't know what to do with myself, with all this free time. It hit me yesterday that I had the entire weekend off . . . wait, let me explain before I go any further . . . I don't work weekends but as this weekend approached I had the same emotional feeling that someone gets when they have a couple of unexpected days off of work (excited, thrilled). The fact that I felt this way yesterday means that in the past I've emotionally entered my weekends utterly stressed and overwhelmed. Yes, I have a chaotic life but now I see the difference between my life's chaos and the all encompassing dependency he brought with him and dumped into my lap.

Well, no dumping this weekend, or any future weekends.

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