Summer Break? Not Really ;-)

It's funny how I've always wanted to keep a journal so that when I am no longer around my child can read about my thoughts and feelings regarding things that have happened in my life. I've never had the patience; it's always seemed so dull, however, here I am writing several times a week about issues that are the most important to me. I guess blogging can be considered a new form of journaling, depending on your topic.

My summer has officially started, and although I have to work this weekend to get a full paycheck, I am free from my internship and classes. Ooh, just remembered though that I have to finish editing a paper for my research project and then prepare to defend it, so there is that. It's all good though cuz then I'll have my first grad degree at the end of the summer.

Yesterday I laid out weight-loss milestones to help keep me on track. Today I want to write about the things I want to do/accomplish this summer. Last summer was the worst, I mean WORST summer I've ever had, and barring any further terrible things, I want to make the most of it.

First and foremost, I'm going to work 30-40 hours per week and convert my internship to straight volunteering so that I can build on the foundation I've created. Between that and work, weekdays are filled. I also want to exercise regularly, 2-3 times each week (3 times would be ideal), so that could be in the evenings or anytime on the weekend. I do know that I can't intentionally put it off though because the weekend may come and I won't want to work out. I've gotta figure this one out.

There are tasks around the house that I want to work through. The basement needs to be cleaned and cleaned out. It's not terrible, would only take a few hours, but it's needed. I deep cleaned the kitchen a few weeks ago, and all of the rooms need it. I also want to set up a sort of schedule for cleaning so that deep cleaning won't be necessary (yeah, the house tends to fall apart a bit when I focus on school).

I also want to do some fun things, like take a couple of long weekends out of town, attend cultural events (some of which can't happen until I lose enough weight to fit into tiny seats designed 100 years ago for tiny people who could only afford to eat once a day).

Finally, I want to continue with the self-connection I've started, the one where I've started clearing out the crap (people) from my life and putting my emotional health first. For anyone who doesn't understand, it's not easy to remove family members from your life. We all start out with family, even if it's just single parents. We grow up with people around us that are or will become our families. Good or bad, they are there. Letting them go for any reason is not easy. Even if it's the right thing to do, it has some negative side effects, like realizing that holiday traditions and weekday get-togethers for lunch will no longer happen. I used to call my mother when I'd get in the car and chat with her as I went from one meeting to the next. I sit in the car in silence now, wanting to pick up the phone but knowing that I can't. About once a week one of us would call and say, "Hey, watcha doin'? I've got some free time, wanna get some lunch?" Now I can't do that. What will I do for holidays? My birthday is coming up, the Big 4-0, and I won't get any happy birthdays from my family. There's usually some good sprinkled in with the bad. I'm not going to miss any of it because it all came with a price (and even during "happy times" I had internal tension as I knew I had to monitor everything I did so as to prevent any more crap from being hurled at me). It's the adjustment that's tough.

Here is the general list of what I want to do this summer:

• Attend "Bye Bye Birdie," the last show of the summer, at the Muny. Whether I fit in the "regular" (they really are ridiculously tiny) seats or not, I at least want to find out what my progress is from last summer (so that you understand, Muny seats are not only tiny, but they have closed sides and are square, so anyone who carries weight in the hips & butt will have a hard time with this; those will bellies but small butts are fine).
• Attend a show at the Fox Theater. "A" has never been, so that will be cool. I was going to see "Wicked" with a friend last summer, but after my visit to the Muny when I had no choice but to sit in the handicap row, I decided against it. However, in December of 2009, I went to the Fox and was fine, so I only need to lose a few more pounds :-D
• Take two out-of-town trips. I haven't been out of town since January 2010 and I'm desperately in need of some downtime.
• Do a bit of yard work. Pull some dead stuff and ugly stuff from the ground and trim the trees.
• Spend some time with friends. This past year has been intense, crazy, and I had to sacrifice time with friends in order to keep my head above water. I'd like to visit each one at least once: Pat, Sofi, Denise, Nan, Justin, Keke, Catherine K. and anyone else I can think of.
• Read. Many students will tell you that they don't do enough leisure reading and I'm no exception.

If this looks like a lot it's because it is. That's me. Never one to sit still for long.

LL xoxo

The Ride has Begun, and Oh What a Ride it will be! :-D

258.4 (11.6 lbs lost)

Since early 2004, I have used the site fitday.com to record my weight along with other thins the site records. This morning I looked through it and made a short list of weight changes, including what I weighed the day before I became a mom. The last time I was in the 100s was 1999. Since then there has been a big ol' "2" at the start of every number. In 2005 I spent months working out at the gym on campus and got fairly close to changing the "2" to a "1" but it was not yet meant to be. *sigh* After that my weight shot back up and has roller coastered around the 240s, 250s and 260s.

As you may know, I'm celebrating my current weight loss. I tell my friends and even my child's significant other of my most recent achievements (hey, you eat my food you gotta hear my stories! LOL). Because I have such a large amount of weight to lose, I made a list of short-term goals I can focus on along the way. When I was just 19-years-old, I went to Jenny Craig because I had put on 30 pounds since getting out of high school and had no idea how to lose it. At the first meeting, the woman put my current and goal weights into a computer and showed me a calendar predicting my progress. It not only showed when I would reach my goal weight, but also when I would hit the halfway mark. That halfway mark excited me because it was just a few weeks away. I can do that! I can focus on these changed long enough to hit the halfway point, and then I'd simply have to do it one more time to reach my goal. Easy Breezy, man!

In the next year there are some important events taking place, so I listed my goals for each of them. As for my ultimate weight-loss goal, my first one is 150. If this is where my body wants to be, I'll be happy as a pig in mud (ooh, maybe not a good metaphor). I weighed 124 throughout high school, but I really don't know that my body will want to go there again. So, 150 is great, if I can get to 140 or 130, all the better, but not necessary.

So here they are, LL's weightloss goals/milestones listed at current rate of 2.5 lbs per week:

-          Jun 23, 2011: 243 (going on vacation)

      -          Aug 22, 2011: 223 (new semester begins)
      -          Sep 12, 2011: 215.5 (going out of town for wedding)
      -          Dec. 16, 2011: 180.5 (end of semester)
      -          Should hit goal weight of 150 on or before Mar 9, 2012 J Just in time for Spring Break Cruise Mar 24!
      -          May 12, 2012: 128 (graduation!!)

When I look at it broken down this way, it's really not so bad. My first milestone is just 6 weeks from now, not long at all, and each one just gets me closer to the finish line.

I would like to mention that with very little exercise I've been losing 2.5 lbs per week, but now that the semester has ended I will have free nights and weekends along with a regular work schedule, and I'll be able to schedule regular visits to the fitness center. This will bring my rate to 3 lbs per week, a perfectly reasonable weight-loss for someone of my size.

Look out world; ain't no stoppin' me now!

Listen to this old '70s jam (I've been a soul music fan since I got my first battery operated radio with the 2-foot tall antenna). Here are some of the lyrics. Enjoy!

Ain't no stoppin' us now

We're on the move (yeah-ee-a, yeah-ee-a)
Ain't no stoppin' us now
We've got the groove
Spice Girls, check it out

There've been so many things that have held us down
But now it looks like things are finally comin' around, yeah
I know we've got a long long way to go, yeah
And where we'll end up
I don't know
But we won't let nothing hold us back
We gonna get ourselves together
We gonna polish up our act, yeah
And if you've ever been held down before
I know that you refuse to be held down any more, yeah yeah
Don't you let nothing, nothing
Nothing stand in your way
And all we gonna do
I want you to listen, listen (That's right)
To every word I say
Every word I say about it


LL xoxo

Six-month Reflection

259.4 (10.6 lbs lost)

During my divorce 15 years ago I went to see a therapist, and after 6 months she read to me the notes she had taken during our initial meeting. I hadn’t realized how far I had come emotionally until she did that, and I remember just lighting up with happiness as I understood that I truly had made it through the storm. I started this blog 6 months ago and tonight I went back to read a few of those early entries. My motivation was simply to spend time on my blog, however the site was down so all I could do was read everything I’ve posted. I guess I owe the Google folks a big thank you for the unexpected self-reflection time.

Back in January I wrote about lacking motivation for pretty much everything in my life and wondered what the problem was. My thought now is that this too ties back to my mother/family. Any time I achieve something, there is someone ready to kick me down on my ass and tell me what a terrible person I am. For example, I am one year away from earning my third degree (the magic one that, in this economy, will still guarantee me a great paying job); my child and I have sacrificed enormously this past decade as I’ve worked on my future. However, the last communication from my sister included snide remarks about how she attended school for a year before returning to work. Her point (which she did include) was that she received public assistance for one year and has financially taken care of her family ever since. So, it’s not good enough that I/we’ve sacrificed and struggled, even with food stamps and help with rent. The fact that 20 years ago she was able to get a great paying job with just one year at a small college is somehow a sign that I’m a failure, an abuser of the system. Never mind that I immediately lost my job after 9/11 and started college 3 months later. Never mind that after 6 years and earning my BA the job market was not the place to be. Never mind that a professor from my grad program strongly urged me to put in a bit more time and earn a more specialized grad degree and that, although I’m beyond ready to put academia behind me, I decided to  sacrifice one more year of my life. That was a long explanation of an example, but the point is that no matter what I do, my family finds ways to twist my life so that they can justify the terrible ways they treat me.

I’ve only recently let go of those negative people from my life, however I’m experiencing the stages of loss, so I haven’t yet let go emotionally. Yesterday I felt angry and couldn’t stop thinking about how unjustified my sister is with all that she has hurled at me. A script was running through my head as I imaged what I would say or write to her. Would I tell her to f*** off? Would I do what I always have done and remain nice, asking her to look at all the good in me instead of making up awful things for a change? I don’t know where or why this anger bubbled up inside me, but it did. I realize that until I get these voices out of my head, I will never completely break free from the emotionally painful bonds they’ve had on me these 40 years. For me, for my emotional health (which is directly tied to my physical health), this is the last chain that's holding me back from truly living my life. I will succeed. I will live my life on my terms, and I will stop feeling guilty every time a good feeling starts to creep up inside of me.

260.6 (9.4 lbs lost)

And a Happy Mother's Day to a Gettin'-Healthier Me!

2??.??

The shorts I bought about a month ago are falling off of me, and yesterday I wore one of the pairs of jeans I put away last month because they were uncomfortably tight. They are still tight but not as much. Yay, it's working!!

I haven't weighed myself yet today, mostly because I'm waiting for this excess water to escape from my body. Plus I'm starting the induction phase of the South Beach Diet today. My boss/director suggested that I might like it better than Atkins because it allows more healthy carbs. I've spent the past couple of weeks looking into it, and I do like it better. During the induction phase, not only am I allowed more than 15 grams of veggies (not corn, peas or carrots though) per day, I am SUPPOSED to have 2 cups of veggies every night with dinner. I love that! Also, the protein I eat is supposed to be lean and low-fat, something else that Atkins is not as concerned with. In addition, I can have low-fat condiments (yay mayo!) as long as they aren't overloaded with sugar and other carbs.

There are two challenges for me though: money and time (when ISN'T that ever a challenge?). I was reading through the great recipes last night to get some variety and it seems that I could easily spend $100 a week just on my own food (and don't forget, I have a teen to feed). I'm also supposed to eat 3 complete meals, 2 snacks and 1 sweet treat each day. How am I going to do all of this? I'll have to spend hours planning and preparing all this food. When I was silly enough to pay for cable television (ah, thank heavens for Netflix Instant Watch and Hulu), I would watch the BBC America program "You are What You Eat," a terrific show where a holistic foodie spends time with families in their homes guiding through the changes to help them lose weight and feel better. Every family said that they were spending enormous amounts of time planning, shopping and cooking their meals. Looks like that's gonna be me.

So I have to spend some time today creatively planning my meals, based on cost, time involved to prepare the meals, and for flavor and variety.

I'm also going to continue with regular exercising. It will certainly help me lose weight, but it also makes me feel better the next day (I work out after dinner). Even Mr. A likes it. Until last week, he hadn't even set foot on a treadmill! That was fun to watch LOL. After just the first time we went to the gym, he said he slept better and felt better the next day. I've never enjoyed working out with someone so much :-D It's great because it'll help keep me motivated.

Slowly But Shirley (don't call me Shirley)

261.4

Today is the official end to my first month of dieting and exercising, and as it stands the scale is showing an 8.6 pound loss but in actuality it's 2-5 pounds more than that. All week I've hovered in the 261 range. Right now I'm holding water (as I do every month), and I'm excited because in a few days my body will release all the excess water and I'll drop a few pounds as my true weight is revealed. In other words, my actual weight right now is most likely 259, probably less (like 257). YAY!!!!

I'll be finished with the semester next week. I need to put in a few more hours to complete my internship and then I'll officially have weekends to myself, no homework, no school work, just 3 months with full time checks and a road trip or two. YAY AGAIN!!!

LL xoxo

Goin' Down!! :-D

261.8

I writing this simply because I've finally broken through the 262 barrier. I hit 262 a couple of weeks ago, then shot right back up, hit it again a few days ago only to be 2 lbs. more the next day. Yesterday I was 262.6 and today, finally, I'm below it. I can now see the 250's in my very near future. :-D

A told me last night that it looked like I've lost weight (isn't that always the best, when someone else notices?). I can see it too, in my face and my waist. After this morning's wonderful weigh-in I decided to try on the shirts I bought a few months ago that ended up being too tight around my belly. I am very happy to report that there is a noticeable difference. I'd like to think that in about a month or so I'll be wearing them to work, thus expanding my professional wardrobe.

Another wonderful thing is that if the weight continues steadily dropping, I'll also be wearing my jeans again in about a month. So looks like that's my goal for this month--stay on course so that I can wear more of my clothes. I've started exercising somewhat, and I'm trying to find a regular time that I can do it because it will really help, not only with weight-loss but with getting healthier overall. This is my last week of school and after this I'll be working full-time again which means I'll be on a more regular schedule :-D YAY!!! Can't wait!!

LL xoxo