During my divorce 15 years ago I went to see a therapist, and after 6 months she read to me the notes she had taken during our initial meeting. I hadn’t realized how far I had come emotionally until she did that, and I remember just lighting up with happiness as I understood that I truly had made it through the storm. I started this blog 6 months ago and tonight I went back to read a few of those early entries. My motivation was simply to spend time on my blog, however the site was down so all I could do was read everything I’ve posted. I guess I owe the Google folks a big thank you for the unexpected self-reflection time.
Back in January I wrote about lacking motivation for pretty much everything in my life and wondered what the problem was. My thought now is that this too ties back to my mother/family. Any time I achieve something, there is someone ready to kick me down on my ass and tell me what a terrible person I am. For example, I am one year away from earning my third degree (the magic one that, in this economy, will still guarantee me a great paying job); my child and I have sacrificed enormously this past decade as I’ve worked on my future. However, the last communication from my sister included snide remarks about how she attended school for a year before returning to work. Her point (which she did include) was that she received public assistance for one year and has financially taken care of her family ever since. So, it’s not good enough that I/we’ve sacrificed and struggled, even with food stamps and help with rent. The fact that 20 years ago she was able to get a great paying job with just one year at a small college is somehow a sign that I’m a failure, an abuser of the system. Never mind that I immediately lost my job after 9/11 and started college 3 months later. Never mind that after 6 years and earning my BA the job market was not the place to be. Never mind that a professor from my grad program strongly urged me to put in a bit more time and earn a more specialized grad degree and that, although I’m beyond ready to put academia behind me, I decided to sacrifice one more year of my life. That was a long explanation of an example, but the point is that no matter what I do, my family finds ways to twist my life so that they can justify the terrible ways they treat me.
I’ve only recently let go of those negative people from my life, however I’m experiencing the stages of loss, so I haven’t yet let go emotionally. Yesterday I felt angry and couldn’t stop thinking about how unjustified my sister is with all that she has hurled at me. A script was running through my head as I imaged what I would say or write to her. Would I tell her to f*** off? Would I do what I always have done and remain nice, asking her to look at all the good in me instead of making up awful things for a change? I don’t know where or why this anger bubbled up inside me, but it did. I realize that until I get these voices out of my head, I will never completely break free from the emotionally painful bonds they’ve had on me these 40 years. For me, for my emotional health (which is directly tied to my physical health), this is the last chain that's holding me back from truly living my life. I will succeed. I will live my life on my terms, and I will stop feeling guilty every time a good feeling starts to creep up inside of me.
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