262.6/ 7.4 lbs lost (retaining water)

The day after I wrote my last blog I unexpectedly wrote an email to my sister, and this time it was different. I was in-your-face (but not rude) and tough. I put it all out there. The week that I spent mulling it over allowed me to look at what she said from different angles. I realized that I became active in the gay community 6 years before she even came out of the closet (up until then, she was living the straight life). I realized that of all the texts, emails, phone calls and fb posts through which I have reached out to her over the years, she didn't respond until I challenged her in the email I wrote a few weeks ago; that is messed up. The email she sent me a week later said that she was going to talk with me at Thanksgiving dinner last year, but turned it around on me by saying "but you weren't there." I challenged that too. I asked her why she didn't call/text/email me after dinner? I asked her why she had set me up, why she had made a rule that this was my one and only chance with her yet not telling me about it.

No matter what I wrote to her in the original email, she found a way to twist it and turn it back on me. When I complimented her and told her that I have always respected her and looked up to her, she threw it back at me and told me that she never asked to be my role model. When I told her that I have stood up for her during the time she refused to speak to me, she said that she didn't need me to do that. Can you see what I'm dealing with? She's decided to not like me, to despise me actually. I've done absolutely nothing to deserve it and it's apparent that there's nothing I can do to change it.

I didn't send the email. I wanted to wait and be sure. While I was writing it I was shaking all over and my heart was racing. Within an hour of saving it to my draft folder, I felt all lit up inside. I thought it was because the sun was shining for the first time in weeks, but I realized that I felt free and I felt strong. Even though I still haven't sent it, I feel that I've stood up for myself to a powerful force, stood up and said, "I don't care anymore, you no longer have the power to hurt me. I've taken control and taken that power away from you."

I never expected to feel this good. I really feel like I've shaken off the last, painful chunks of stone that I've been chiseling away at for the past 2 decades. I no longer care what my mother, sister or any other member of the family thinks of me. I was conditioned by my mother to be her emotiona punching bag and she has shown the rest of the family that it's acceptable for them to use me the same way. It's not O.K. It's not right. I am going to be just fine without them. Great actually.

I honestly can say that I can't wait for the rest of my life to happen.

What I am grateful for:

1) ME!!!!!!!!
2) My strength
3) my wonderful support system
4) the shining sun

Goals for today:

1) go to my internship even though I don't want to
2) choose the right foods
3) smile alot
4) brighten up someone's day (especially my own)

LL xoxo

Short & Sweet

264.8 (day 5 of induction phase)

My mind is completely pre-occupied with my sister's accusations. I am a good person and I've never done anything wrong to her or her girlfriend; just the opposite actually. This isn't about how bad things happen to good people (that's a question for the powers that be, fate, etc.). This is about being good to people for 30 years (I didn't really know my sister before then), about living my beliefs (been in the Pride parade several times, attended Pride with this same sister twice, etc. etc.) and being accused of being a homophobe. It blows my mind, truly. :-(

My family participates in this. No one is standing up for me, least of all our mother. Heard yesterday that she's badmouthing me to A's grandmother. Nice huh?

If I was reading this, I'd tell the writer that she deserves better and to just let these people go, however I'm having a hard time taking what would be my own advise.

I'm at work, later than I wanted to be because I'm a bit depressed and when I'm depressed I stay in bed. It's my refuge. However, I did get up, made breakfast, prepared lunch, straightened the kitchen, showered and dressed for work. I am here.

LL xoxo

Back on Track

263.6 (day 4 of induction phase)

Last week I went off my diet plan for about 48 hours due to being with A and his family through the wake and funeral of his grandmother. I ate very few carbs but I did have sugar in the form of 2 desserts, and one or both of these caused me to hold about an extra 3 lbs of water. On Thursday I jumped back on board and I've stuck to it even better than before.

Sugar of any amount is a big no-no, so I'm reading ingredients more carefully. We found out that bacon and sausage all have sugar (why?), so I bought ground pork from the butcher and added mixed in spices myself. It was great actually! Me and A had some for breakfast yesterday and it was really good. I never knew I could do that, and its so much cheaper to buy the unseasoned meat and make the patties myself. I also bought uncured, uncut chunk of what will be sliced into bacon. I'll let you know how that one goes. :-D

 

Last week I received a response from my sister regarding the email I sent her two weeks ago, and it's stressing me out. It looks as if either her girlfriend wrote it or that she dictated it to my sister. My sister is a head person, always letting her head rule her emotions while her girlfriend is the COMPLETE opposite. Well, the email was VERY emotional and some of the things mentioned are things that I know for a fact are issues of the girlfriend.

I want to write back but I've been trying to figure out what to say. I told a friend that I wasn't going to defend myself because it's a waste of time and will make me seem petty, but after letting 5 days pass I don't feel any less of a need to defend myself. I might write a draft today just to start working through it.

The semester is almost over and I couldn't be happier. I need an academic break like nobody's business, and I'm looking forward to earning a full-time paycheck again. I am going to treat myself well this summer. I'm going places, and I'm spending money on myself. I want to try new things, like maybe ziplining. I don't want to sit in the house and hide out. I want to see my friends. I want long weekends out of town with A. Boy I just can't wait. :-D

LL xoxo

Mediocre

264.8

I've been really busy the past two days with the wake and funeral of A's grandmother. I cooked breakfast which made us 20 minutes late in getting to the funeral home (only had 5 hrs. sleep the night before) but then the church provided lunch and a relative took the family out for dinner. I made the choice to just eat whatever. I had already decided to restart the induction phase of the diet based on some more info that I found online, so taking a "day off" was not going to be detrimental. I still made good choices though and even though I wasn't sticking to the plan, I didn't go hog wild either. I enjoyed what I ate and only ate until I was full.

I went into this diet rather suddenly and therefore was ill-prepared, so there are a few things I want to do differently this time around. For one, I wasn't tracking my carbs and I'm certain I had more than what I should have had. I didn't have any condiments but during this time I found recipes for mayo and bbq sauce (I am a Midwestern gal after all), so I'd like to make up a few things to have on hand. I also need to do better meal planning. The past two Sundays I grilled a LOT of meat for the purpose of having it throughout the week. Unfortunately, not only did other people take too much, but while I was sleeping this past Sunday night my child's friend ate about half of what I had set aside for myself, so I also need to label what is mine. Also, simply because I could, I ate a LOT of food. I can't afford that. So rather than have 6 sausage patties with breakfast, I've reduced it to 2. Since I'm saving money by not buying the book, I want to put together a list of foods and carb counts.

(to be continued . . .)

From Good to Frustrating or Is This What Yin & Yang are All About?

263.6 (& holding water, so have lost another 1-2 lbs.)

I've had a good weekend. I spent 4 hours scrubbing the heck out of my kitchen Saturday morning. While it was NOT fun, I am VERY glad to have a shiny floor, no dirty dishes, a clean fridge, lovely cabinet doors and a sparkly stove. I've implemented a rule that for the timebeing no shoes are allowed. I worked too damn hard to have it all ruined with dirty shoes. ;-)

Me and the Man went to dinner at a Meditteranean (sp?) restaurant using a Groupon he bought. It was the first time I've been out since I changed my diet, and I did very well. It didn't bother me at all to pass on dishes that I've always loved. The Man said he's very proud of me and that he's never seen me so dedicated to getting healthy.

I relaxed Sunday, didn't push myself at all. I made brunch for me and the man and later I grilled a ton of stuff for dinner which fed 4 of us plus enough for a few lunches.

I kept the T.V. off yesterday and got lots of schoolwork done (YAY!!), but it was a bit tainted by my financial worries. This diet I'm on is neither cheap nor convenient. More than half the food budget is gone, and I'm constantly cooking. My plan when I grilled Sunday was to have enough to get me through the next 2-3 days, but a 4th person came to the house after I went to bed and at about half of it. I'm happy to share, but right now it's not convenient for me. :-(

For example, right now I've only got 2.5 hours before I have to leave the house and I won't be back until almost 10p. I have to eat now and then make stuff that I can take with me. I don't have the luxury of buying a box of health bars or packing a banana since those aren't allowed on this diet. *sigh*

Anyhoo, writing about this is making me a bit crabby, so I better just stop here.

Love to all!!

LL xoxo

A Nice, Peaceful Day

263.6 (-6.4lbs/9days)

Everything is heading in the right direction: school, homelife, weightloss/get-healthy plan, child's progress toward adulthood, friendships, separation from family.

I've been extremely tired the past two days, so I gave myself permission to just chill. The house is an embarrassing, disgusting mess, and that's O.K. Today I feel much better and I'm actually excited to get the house clean.

The semester is winding down and I couldn't be happier. I need a break like nobody's business. I'll be working full-time for the department this summer and I'm going to continue my internship as a volunteer position. I also have a mini vacation planned with the man. We're going to Branson for a 4-day-3-night stay at a lovely resort. Oh man I can't wait! As if that weren't enough, I'll be down at least 20 lbs by then, so I'm looking at being 245 lbs or less (depends on when we go, of course). I have't weighed that since I met the man nearly three years ago.

My mother called last night but she didn't leave a message. I still haven't received an email from anyone in the family. I'm keeping my eyes open but I don't expect any communication from them. If they do, I expect it will be to tell me how terrible and selfish I am, or that I'm not thinking of them and what they are going through (none of them are going through anything, this is just the standard "You're a rotten daughter/sister!" attack I get on the offchance that I stand up for myself).

Too Tired to Think

264.2

All of the work I've been doing these past three months has caught up with me. I left my internship early yesterday because I realized I had been listening to a woman talk for about 5 minutes and I hadn't done so much as nod my head or give a "uh huh" to let her know I was listening. I was dizzy and also had some sharp shooting pains in my abdomen and upper chest, so I canceled my afternoon appt. and went home to rest.


I slept for 3 hours, the longest nap I've had in ages and the deepest sleep I've had in at least a couple of years, no joke. I woke up for a few seconds and didn't know where I was, what time it was (was it day or night?) or what day of the week it was. I had tried taking a nap a few days before--I laid down for about 45 minutes and only fell asleep for 5. That is how it always goes for me.

So I took last night off. I didn't clean or do homework, and I wouldn't allow myself to even think about it. I felt better when I got up today but when I got to the conference I felt exhausted again (and all I did was sit for 3 hours). After I ate my lunch I saw that everyone from my department had left so I did the same. I'm home now, have had a snack, and the exhaustion is back. I'm going to lie down and take the night off again (although I'm sure I'll do some housework later, but at a relaxing pace).

LL xoxo