After dinner I felt like I should have a Drumstick ice cream cone, you know, the one with the fudge at the bottom of the cone? I LOVE that last bite, and if I didn't feel like I was wasting it, I'd simply throw the rest of the cone away just to have that bite. Good news is that I battled that temptation. The weather here is be-u-tee-ful right now, so me and my man took a walk after dinner. I put my money in my pocket and told him we were walking to the store to get an ice cream. BUT, when it came time to turn down the street leading to the store, I simply didn't. I told my guy why and he was cool with it. In lieu of the ice cream we walked further than we ever have: 2.25 miles! We left the neighborhood for a main road and even stopped in at a computer store we've been curious about. As we left that store, my man says, "There's Dairy Queen." We had to cut through the parking lot to continue our journey. I asked if he wanted anything and (luckily) he said no.
When I got home though, I spent the next 3.5 hours watching T.V. How does that happen? The entire time I was thinking of food, and eventually I ate two PB&Js. Better than the ice cream, yes (the bread was multigrain, full of nuts type of bread), but not good in general. See? It's a real battle.
I looked up Overeaters Anonymous because I'm looking for something that will help, but they use the 12-step program and I don't like that. I went to Pre-Alateen as a kid and a few years ago I dated a man who atteneded AA meetings. He said what I had always felt--that the meetings are such downers. Everyone talks about how hard life is and how sucky the struggle is. I want to get to a point of joy about food and life. I don't care what anyone says--this will not be a lifetime battle. It may rear it's ugly head from time to time, but it will not be a daily, ongoing issue. I've battled this before and felt great, but the problem was that I had PTSD for 20 years, and counselor after counselor did not correctly diagnose me. Therefore, I'd start feeling good about life and then BAM!! something would trigger me. I handled it by having raging anger outbursts (destroyed many items during these times) or hiding with plates of sugar and fat laden foods. Luckily I was invited to participate in a study two years ago that ultimately eliminated all the symptoms (that story is for another day), and I've found that now my attachment for food is just that: an attachment. Food has been my closest ally for half of my life. I could always depend on the comfort it would bring me. On dates, during family gatherings, or with friends who also relied on food, it was my silent little buddy letting me know that I could get through another putdown by family, and that even though certain people ignored me, it never would.
Some say food is the enemy, but I don't see it that way. Food has brought me peace when I couldn't find it anywhere else. It has been the centerpiece of entertainment and activities shared with real friends and loved ones. People walk into my home smiling because they see me at the stove creating wonderful things. I'm simply having a hard time redefining my relationship with food, but I am honestly trying.
Goals for today:
- complete tomorrow's homework before 2:30 p.m.
- take a shower
- eat mindfully
- find an activity other than eating while watching T.V. (like sewing)
- I may be overweight, but I'm alive. I can walk, talk and care for myself.
- I have the joy of caring for people and creatures in my life who love me very much
- Although I'm behind in schoolwork, I will catch up and be just fine
- Our cars are all running
- I have enough money to pay the bills
- The people I love are all healthy, safe and pursuing their dreams in one form or another
- I have a big heart
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